Archery

I keep having the same conversation:

Me: “Yeah, I shoot a little archery.”

"So like in the Olympics, with all those gears and sticks and controls?"

Me: “Er, no, mine’s a little more simple-“

"So like a bowhunting bow."

Me: “Not quite, mine’s traditional.”

"Oh, you mean fiberglass, with those cool wooden middle parts! Yeah my Brother had a longbow like that."

Me: “Er, his was probably a longlimb recurve, and no, mine’s really traditional. Like a little more than that.”

"OH, so it was an all wood recurve? That’s what Traditional people shoot, you can’t get more traditional than Traditional."

Me: “Er, apparently you can… cuz I didn’t know it but I have… My bow is a stick. An English D-section Long Bow. Oak. It has a leather band around it for a grip, it has horn nocks on the ends for the string and the Flemish string has serving on it. That’s it. That’s the whole thing.”

"But what about sights/peeps/clickers/nockpoints/arrowrests?? How do you shoot something like that??"

Me: “At first, Badly. For a very long time.”

so much to catch up on. Aikido Journaling/Journey

I have moved house. I started Aikido, and with it an attempt at a full personality revamp. I can't quite manage to describe it to anyone I know, so thus far it is a personal journey. More about that later. Here's my notes:

I haven't got much to journal, since I missed the first class because I had a sudden dental issue I had to take care of that day, and the stuff they use to numb me goes right to my head after a procedure so I had to go straight to bed for the rest of the day. I was very sad, because I've been so looking forward to doing this class, and I can't wait for Tuesday's Club practice.

I did run all over town looking for a place to buy a Gi. (the idea of wearing the borrowed PE shirts really squicks me out.) The only places that sell them are studios who would probably be a bit miffed if you buy their clothes but are not choosing them as your place of study, and the gi would have had their logos on it, which I'd prefer it not to have. I ended up finally ordering one online. Hope I can wash the roughness out of it quickly. I prefer soft clothing if possible. I haven't worn Asian MA gear since my stint at TKD when I was 19.

I've been prepping for class by doing a lot more walking and physical activity this week, really pushing myself. I was very sick the better half of this year and last winter, and I lost a lot of muscle tone. We could not figure out what was wrong with me and all the doctors I went to were stumped. We did scans and tests and everything was normal but I could barely move around. Finally, it turns out I am Non-Celiac Gluten Intolerant. Just a change in diet and I feel better than I have in years! I am recovering, but I still don't have a lot of physical stamina and nearly no capacity for aerobic exercise, so that's what I am working on now.

Fun with Autism and Aikido:

I have a pretty low tolerance for pain or certain sensations. Many autistic people sense emotions and feel physical input at a much higher, very intense level. I hate the feeling of falling very much- ironic, yeah? I am taking this class to help me get over that. It'll help me if I can be warned each time before people touch me, and I need them to be mindful of my especially sensitive wrists and hands, please. 

I can't regulate my body temperature very well, so I might need to wear little grippy socks to help keep my feet warm. 

I have very sensitive hearing, with no sorting filter like most people have. If more than one or two people are talking at once I hear all of it and I can no longer understand much of it, especially in an echoey space, so if I seem a little deaf during group activities, that's why. I may flinch if shouted near, because loud noises can be painful.

I can have a very bad memory for some things, like foreign language vocabulary outside of Latinate languages. Like, worse than a Typical person's bad memory. All I can do with memory drilling may not bring me up to the same vocabulary level as the other students, but I promise to do my very best.

I may have to ask seemingly strange, obvious, or silly questions in order to clarify my understanding of some things. These will never be sarcastic or an attempt to undermine any authority- I really do need to know things I ask about. I never ask a question I do not want an answer to.

Journal week 2: 

So far Aikido has turned out to be fun. I didn’t realize how much I missed the simple atmosphere of working on martial arts techniques with other practitioners. None of your other problems matter when you’re at practice. I think the guys are going easy on me because I am a girl with these thin little hands and wrists, but that’s actually totally fine by me! I’d rather have them being careful than injuring me by accident, and I am happy to have them be so mindful of the fact that I do have thin sensitive hands and cannot fall well yet.

I’ve got to get in more practice at falling and rolling. I know I am way behind everyone else there. That wouldn’t matter, except it means I can’t learn some of our uke techniques fully and properly because ukemi is kinda nonexistent for me at the moment. Maybe a round of decongestants would help clear out my ears and lessen the dizziness a little. I have a wide space in my house where I could put down a few layers of blanket one the carpet and practice some rolling. Maybe I’ll be less dizzy as I get used to the feeling. I am also going to do some more core and arm exercises so that my body will get better at supporting my weight through the roll.

I hope my gi is here by now so I can wash it and start wearing it- knee walking on those mats is tough on regular workout pants. I do wonder how often, if ever, the mats get scrubbed... I’m a bit of a germophobe when it comes to public spaces where people get sweaty. I’ll just keep applying antifungal preventive spray before practice and scrubbing in the shower afterwards. 

I am getting better at the whole physical contact thing. Normally I don’t like to be touched much, or up in people’s space. It’s a sensory issue- tactile/scent overload- as well as a trust issue. I get squicked out by the idea of touching other people’s hands or having them touch mine, which are immensely sensitive, moreso than a typical persons’.  I don’t usually like being right up close to people because I have an abnormally developed sense of smell and touch as well: perfumes, shampoos, aftershave, clothes detergent, fabric softener, deodorants, skin oils, diet, sweat, breath, hair, their coffee or what they smoke, and the heat of their body temperature in the air; I get ALL of that at once if a person comes within two feet of me. It’s very overwhelming. I do my best never to react to it so outwardly I do not let any of that show but it’s not a comfortable thing.

 The trust issues... well, I have not had the best history with Males. 

 I took Aikido partly to challenge both those problems in a controlled setting. The first day there were pins with locks on the hands I couldn’t watch, it made my eyes water and gave me nausea just seeing too much of it. The next time we did those techniques I was able to participate and learn them. I like to think this means I can learn to deal sometimes with getting up close to people and doing the whole touchy thing.

Journal week 3

I was surprised at how easily I still get dizzy so I am going to have to work on that. I can only take decongestants on days when I know I am going to have very little physical activity, since they have stimulants in them that do not go well with other meds I take. Still working on rolling. 

Journal week 4

Late.

Clinical Depression is kicking my teeth in again. It’s very like someone close to one has died, except without the loss. Just the pain and numbness. You can think of it like Leukemia of the Soul: It goes into remission, and you can treat it, but sometimes it relapses hard. Clinical depression is a physical inability to feel properly, due to chemical imbalances, and it happens to people whether they have a nice life or not, whether they “Think Positively” or not. It put me in the hospital once. 

I’ve had it since childhood, so I am quite accustomed to this old battle. Some enemies you get to know better than any friend, though you’d prefer not to. I have tried and true strategies. I have tactics. I keep moving. I never let myself sit alone with my thoughts because right now my feelings do not function correctly. I have to keep a clear head and not Ponder too much over anything, just do what is in front of me and keep moving until the storm moves along. 

Aikido helps.  On the Mats, I am not depressed. I am doing things. I may not be good at them but that’s hardly the point. 

Week 5

Depression still being pretty intense. Attending most of our Aikido times anyway. I missed Sat morning practice because Friday night I was sick again. I think I accidentally got some gluten in something I ate. Need to be more careful about eating food I did not make. 

Read one of the recommended books about Aikido, as well as the book that got me interested in Aikido way back in High School, “It’s A Lot Like Dancing”, this compilation of photographs and anecdotes from Terry Dobson. He’s a great storyteller, but he was also an Aikido teacher. The book is just his thoughts on various points of Aikido, or memories he has of O-Sensei or various classes.

Someone this week was talking to me in the class and saying, “Well I guess at first I’llbe kinda clumsy but then in a few months I’ll Get It, I wonder how long it takes to Get Good at this, you know? Was it like that in HEMA?”

And I just kind of had to stare at him for a while because this this I read once came into my head- someone said that some people, mostly teen boys and young men, come to a martial art with the idea that if they put in X amount of time, there will be a ding and an Achievement Unlocked like on XBox, and they will Get It, so they start calculating if I put in X amount of hours every week, I can be a Black Belt in three years, that kind of achievement Algebra. Like it’s a concrete thing you climb a hill to grab, and then once you have it, you have it.

And it’s not like that. Aikido can’t be like that, HEMA sure as heck wasn’t like that, nothing worth learning to do is like that. Life is not an XBox game. You do not do a Quest and get a Trophy. You start, and then go onward from there. You don’t Get It, because it’s a skill you can always improve on, not a thing you Get.

(I surmise that the guys who think like this probably often have problems dating for roughly the same reasons. )

Autism Does Not Make Murderers

Another man has gone on another killing spree, and several news groups are already trying to hint or say that he was autistic and that contributed to his violent crime.

WRONG. Autistics are incredibly likely to be the victims of violence, and I have never met an autistic past the age of 20 who has not been bullied by peers and authority figures as well as verbally, emotionally, or physically attacked/abused. But in spite of this, I have also never met another autistic person with any violent tendencies. Autistic people are usually the victims of violence, not the perpetrators. Whether or not this sick criminal was on the autistic spectrum, Autism Doesn't Make Murderers. 

He's a misogynist "punishing" women for not having sex with him, because he is a "Perfect Guy". (I've never met anyone autistic this delusional, either- we're usually pretty big on down-to-earth, logical thought.)
Actual words of the killer in a video he made of himself: " It’s not fair. You girls have never been attracted to me. I don’t know why you girls aren’t attracted to me, but I will punish you all for it. It’s an injustice, a crime, because I don’t know what you don’t see in me. I’m the perfect guy, and yet you throw yourselves at all these obnoxious men instead of me — the supreme gentleman. I will punish all of you for it."
These are the words of a perverse and unstable mind. That has nothing to do with Autism.

Why This Aspie Hates Phone Calls

I hate making phone calls.

Reason 1: Social Cues Not Available: In a phone conversation, I can't see the other person in realtime. I have to rely entirely on their tone of voice, distorted by low-fidelity sound, to try to read the subtext of their words. I can't use expressions to try to give them subtext to my words either, and subtext is hugely important to most NT people. They don't care what I say, it's how I say it and what my body is doing when I say it that make the difference between me implying something and me asking a question, to their minds anyway. They are very big on Implications.*

When I talk to people in person, I can watch their physical reactions to my words, my tone and my posture. I can use my acting, pose my body and shape my face to show them, in their nonverbal language, that I am not attacking them or accusing them or demeaning them by asking questions or saying facts. I can't do any of that damage control over a phone. They get mad. They get offended. They get annoyed.

*The only exceptions have been a few people in my life who are fully aware of my autistic tendencies and how they impact my life, and are accepting that I usually say only what I mean, and do not get offended easily by things I say because they know I Don't Communicate Like That. I can talk to them on the phone. Hearing them properly is very hard, but they don't "read into" anything I say or how I said it.

Reason 2: Low Fidelity Sound vs Precision Hearing = auditory processing problem.
"Eyyuh, cah I spee to th-hed or dis houshull?" is what I hear when someone on the phone says, "Hi, Can I speak to the head of this household"? Phones do not transmit high quality sound, and people do not bother to enunciate better while on the phone. Consonants get smashed. D, T, P, B, and C sound identical. Vowels get distorted. Certain accents or speech cadences mean whole words vanish.

Because I have an autistic mind, I do not hear a sound and then have the luxury of having my brain automatically fill in the missing gaps. NT people seem to hear only what they expect to hear. They can probably understand crappy noises as familiar words because their brains most likely hear the sound, "Eyyuh", and process that like this: We don't know what that sound meant but it was similar enough to "Hello", so that's what it was. Yes. The person said Hello. If you then ask them what was said, they won't repeat it as "Eyyuh," their brain has told them it did hear "Hello".

My brain doesn't do that. I have exceptionally sharp hearing, largely because my brain cannot parse what I hear into familiar shapes. I hear exactly what sound is made, and my brain does not simply pop the sound into an easy word-category automatically. "Eyyuh" to me, sounds like "Eyyuh", not "Hello".

In order, then, to understand anything said to me on a phone, I have to be constantly translating the garbled noises I am hearing into actual speech, which involves a lot of anxious guessing. I have to do this WHILE I am listening to the other person's words, tone, context and scanning it all for implications of subtext. It is a tremendous strain.


Reason # 3- Phone conversation = All-consuming effort.
In person, I can talk to people while I do other things. To make a phone call to anyone who is not very tolerant and accepting of my ways of communicating, I cannot be moving around or doing anything else. Handling the above-mentioned subtext problem I have talking to most people, and auditory processing issue of using a phone, AT THE SAME TIME, takes all my mental focus. I have to stop anything I am trying to do in order to have a phone conversation. I cannot talk and drive. Or walk. Or eat. Or work. Or fold clothing. Or pick up my room. My day and life must be brought to a total HALT in order for me to have any but the most simple exchanges over a phone, because I can't handle sensory input and decisions while I am already so overburdened by the effort a phone call requires of me.

I can only use the phone and multitask doing anything when I am talking to the very few people who do not require me to analyze their speech for subtexts or motives, and who do not do that with mine, because they know my conversational style and accept that while everyone else they know does that, I generally don't. I only do it sometimes out of habit of having had to talk that way for so long with most other people. It is exhausting.

On Vaccinations and Autism

Here’s a note for ya, world- I am autistic.
Vaccines do not cause autism.
Avoiding vaccines can cause death for your child and for many others who are exposed to them.
AND YET:
There are idiot parents out there avoiding vaccines because they think vaccines will cause autism. 

They would rather their child and many other children die horrible deaths than (in their minds) have their child grow up autistic.


Let that little bit o’ eugenics sink in.
They would rather their own child died in agony than grow up to be what I AM.


Vaccines do not cause autism. If they did, you’d still be a horrible person for deciding it was better to cause the suffering of hundreds of infants too young to yet be vaccinated, not to mention the agonizing death of your own CHILD, because you were afraid your kid might be different from you.

Autism Awareness is Not Enough. (warning, Hate Speech shown)

This Month is for Autism, but Awareness is not enough. We need Autism Acceptance. These are screenshots from Google earlier this month (4/2014), unedited, unaltered.

 This is what people are “aware” of. They think they know autism already.
Most of what people are “aware” of about Autism is wrong or negative. That has got to change. We have to change it.

Autism Acceptance: I don't HAVE Autism, I AM Autistic.

Another thing for Autism Acceptance Month: "I don’t Have Autism, I am Autistic. It is not a thing you have. It is a way you are."
A conversation I had recently online:

"You’re not Asperger’s, you’re a person WITH Asperger’s, it doesn’t define who you are." You see, that would be a nice sentiment if Asperger’s was a separate part of me or of us, a disease we have, or a thing that is just one facet. People with MS for instance, are not defined by their MS even though their suffering is great, it doesn’t change who they are except as another experience they deal with with and learn from, as human beings. If you could take away the MS, they would still be the same person, though with different experiences, without the MS, and probably much happier, since MS is a painful and debilitating thing.

But please understand, autism is not a separate thing. If you could somehow take away what makes someone autistic, there would not be them left, un-autistic. There would be a different person, and not a whole one either.

I don’t Have Autism, I am Autistic. It is not a thing you have. It is a way you are.

You would never say to someone of a certain race, “You aren’t ‘Race’, you just HAVE ‘Race-ness’.”  Think of Autism Spectrum people like that. This is not a separate thing we have, and have to “overcome”, that we can’t “let it define us as a person”. It does. It is. But that’s okay. That’s good, even. I am autistic, and that is how I am. I am many other things too, but it isn’t something I have to  ‘not let define me’. Of course it defines me. Everything I am defines me.

If Autism was an unfortunate thing, then of course we’d be right to say, You don’t have to let it define you. But what if it is a good thing? I have been deciding this last year or so that I am happier when I let it be one of the things that defines me, because it is not a thing I have. It is the way I am. I am me, like this, improving all the time in my way, and that’s okay.