Doing or Not Doing. Yeah more zen.

Q: “What do you do to get more energy?”
A: “I… don’t.”

That. That’s it. I do “nothing”.. in the sense that I do less in order to have more energy. To keep my energy for things I need to do, I have cut back on things I do not need to do so often, or could do slowly, or could do another day. I have Chronic Clinical Depression as well as being autistic, so I do often feel that I run out of energy very fast.

What I do is choose very carefully how much activity or sensory input I will engage in each day. I realize this isn’t something that most people can do sometimes, but you may have to make a lot of changes to address energy in this method.

I am not saying it is the best method for everyone, but it is working for me. It is hard to get used to being so gentle with myself. I do not like turning down some invitations to save energy for doctor appointments. Sometimes I would rather go out on the town with my friends than sit indoors and watch a movie with them, but these are the kind of choices I make so as to limit my use of energy.

Now, I am not saying, “Do only necessary things and have no fun at all.” By all means do not do that- it would not be a balanced lifestyle and could lead to problems. Humans are often better off with a balanced life. Do some fun things. Do some needful things. But do less of both, and try not to do everything all at once. I do my healthcare routine of shower etc., then one or two needful things per day like a class or appointment, then I do one or maybe two fun things, either with friends or by doing my art.

I have, I realize, the privilege  of being able to set up my life right now so that I am not very busy. It might not be possible for you to do exactly what I do but you can find ways to be a little less busy, which might lead to being less overwhelmed or tired out. Personally, it is healthier for me to avoid being too busy.

Culture right now is very insistent that if you’re not super busy and always tired, you must be “uninformed”, “unpopular” or “unsuccessful”. Ignore that noise. Slow it down. Life is not a competition. Life is life.

Be a stone in the river.

When you have a Chronic condition, any disability or illness or trouble that lasts longer than other people have patience for, they often talk up how great it is for you to always be fighting, always "keep fighting this". Guess what?

They mean well but that is *exhausting* and irrational to expect.

 I'm not saying give up, I am saying you do not have to fight all the time. No one can be in an aggressive mode every day, "inspirational" only when thrashing about against the current. Sit in the current. Be a stone in the river. Let the river go past. 

“Heaven is where you are standing, and that is the place to train.” Aikido founder O Sensei Morihei Ueshiba.

I’m not saying you have to be pleased to be where you are. Being sick or disabled in some way often just sucks. It isn’t sunshine and rainbows.

But it is where you are right now, and it might help to know
that you do not have to wait to be happy
until you get better.
You can be happy or at least At Peace in some ways here and now.

Once more: You do not have to wait to be happy
until some future or impossible time when you get better.

You don’t always have to be “fighting”. You deserve to have peace now. Let yourself have it.

Aikido and Recovery

 How do you manage to balance (or not) martial arts and other parts of your life?

Aikido is a big part of my mental/personal health. I learn lessons there to apply to my personal emotional challenges. It’s been instrumental in the healing and recovery I am trying to do. It shows me in a kinetic and physical way where my fears still are, and what I can do about them.
Getting personal here, TW mentions of abuse and trauma:

It’s not an official “diagnosis”, but I have a decade or two’s worth of Complex-PTSD, which in my case is the slow trauma I got from long term bullying or emotional abuse, with threats or incidents of physical abuse. I have complex trust issues and problems ever feeling safe. Besides the obvious physical empowerment of a martial art for some self defense, Aikido is teaching me to practice trust, to enforce boundaries, and to speak up when people hurt me or I am uncomfortable.

That last is very difficult as I have had a lifetime of being "trained", told repeatedly and firmly, to be silent when I am hurting or unhappy. In our Aikido Dojo, if you ask someone to stop hurting you... they stop, instead of laughing, ignoring you, dismissing your pain, or increasing it for their entertainment. That is very new and precious to me and I am learning from it.

I am learning which motions still make me uncomfortable, and then in my outside therapy I can address the reasons for those. I get severely dizzy doing a certain turn and I realized it’s because I hate moving backward when I can’t see what’s behind me... because of fear and hypervigilance. I was able to then talk to my counselor about that.

I am also learning how to move with and around things instead of fighting against them. That’s the literal principle behind Aikido but it’s also been helping me in my emotional and personal struggles. “It is far easier to roll a rock, using its own momentum, than to try to carry the same rock. Stop trying to carry the rock!” I put myself through a lot of mental anguish I do not have to actually deal with any more  if I would just stop trying to carry it. So now it’s in inner mantra- “Stop trying to carry the rock!”

Post Sinus Surgery- day 2? -Ish? Wow, pain meds are great...

I had the sinus surgery and it was successful. I will write more later. Currently quite loopy. Thank heaven for good medicine or my face would be hurting wayyy more.

Update coming soon.

Updated! 
Doctors told my parents that the Silent Sinus was indeed very small and closed up and had been full of seriously nasty gunk, which is probably what made me sick all month. They sent a sample off to be lab tested to check for anything notable. I kinda wanna hear if there are results.  So that sinus has been kind of re-carved out, they shaved down the Turbinates, and they did a Septoplasty to straighten my deviated septum so that I can breathe through regular sized nasal passages for the first time ever. I can't wait to try deep breathing once it's healed, I have always wondered what it would be like to breathe freely and deeply just through my nose.


So, Monday:
the surgery itself was about an hour or two, they say. I had a bad hour or so afterward, in the recovery room, because while I was asleep my body still felt the surgery, and my neck and shoulders had clenched tight into knots, and I was hurting and druggy and pitiful. Dad was sitting right there, and  they fed me pain pills and applesauce, and then I got home and got over the Effexor withdrawal by taking my daily dose of that, and they even gave me a lil' anti nausea drug to go with the pain pills. The surgery staff were all terribly kind to me the whole time. Lovely people, and that's not just the Percocet talking.

The post-op nurse was really surprised by how coherent I was even after the pain pills kicked in. She  had to help me up to get me re-dressed, and kept saying how remarkably well I was doing. I laughed and told her I've had a LOT of experience being medically compromised. All those times I was wrung out on Effexor withdrawal and had to try to function anyway gave me a lot of training at this sort of thing. Being able to move, talk, and balance while chemically compromised is a skill you can actually practice, it turns out.

Mom and Dad are looking after me now. I have thick squishy blankets, and a nose rinse to use. Daddy bought me GF cookies but I sadly cannot taste them. I can only pick up broad basic flavors right now, like salt in my omelet, or sweet green smoothie. Trying to relax my shoulders- I won't be able to lie face down in a massage table for like a month at least, since those face rings put a lot of pressure on the sinus bones.


 I have to take pills every four hours, and rinse out my nose a lot, and sleep sitting upright, and wear a face bandage so I don't leak draining saline or blood on anything.
What I really want to do is lie down on my side like I usually sleep, and sleep for 8 hours straight.
It'll be a little while before I can do that, but SOON.

Just now my face hurts and I am tired, because I have to take 1 pill every 4 hours, and the pills give me a heinously dry mouth, but that's helping me make sure I stay hydrated, so there's that.

Percocet makes me chatty, but I am also talkative (typeative?) because I am bored and a bit lonely. It's hard to talk out loud with a hurting face so my verbal communication is limited. Besides, Mom is busy. I am excited to be on my way to healing.

Day 17 of the Autumn 2015 Sinus troubles.

I've been sick for 17 days now. Only about 3 of those involved leaving the house at all. I am getting bored of my bedroom. *WHINE* I'm a big baby.

 As I mentioned,  I've been diagnosed with Silent Sinus Syndrome, which is a rare condition where the sinuses in the front of one side of the face close up for as long as several years. I also have a deviated septum. This probably is part of why my allergic reactions turn into painful acute sinus infections within about 48 hours, those infections linger for a month or so, then crawl into my lungs to nest for the winter.

Fixing it requires surgery. I don't know when I get the surgery- I have a consult appointment next week. I don't know how long recovery will take either. This is only upsetting for me in that I am sick right now, and that I was going to get a dog.

 I need a dog. I am a sad piece of misery without one. My house is too quiet. No one wakes me up to go for walks.

There's the catch, though. To have a dog, I have to be healthy enough to move around. I am not, so I can't. I am so lonely without a dog. I won't be able to have one until I am healthy enough to move around again, outdoors. I wear a scarf over my nose and mouth in winter here anyway because I almost always have or am recovering form lung infections in winter, so I can't breathe icy cold air.
I wanted to get a dog and go scootering with him in the mornings. I was healthy enough to do it, too. And then this happened. Foo.

You'd think after years of winter bedrest for months at a time, I'd get used to bedrest. Nope. Still as whiny as ever. I hate not being able to at least sit up and do things, but the more I do anything other than lie down or against pillows in bed, the sicker I get the next day. I have to REST.  Well, tomorrow after I do my online test I am gonna play computer games on the couch downstairs. I can be bundled up down there just as easily as up here.


Yes, online test. Did I mention the awesome side of this?
1. They caught the SSS before my eyeball started to sag. That's right, most people only know they have this thingy when their sinus has imploded so much that the bone under the eye socket is dissolved and their eye starts to droop. NOPE NOPE NOPE. So I am very thankful my CT scan showed that I have it before anything happened to my precious eyes. I am exceedingly visual and I need my eyes.
2. In spite of my brain fog making reading hard, I have found an Audio Dramatization by the BBC of my textbook, (still chortling over that) and that's been letting me "study" for the test I need to to take which is  ONLINE. My History class is at the cutting edge, for a college course, and that means our assignments and tests are all ONLINE. I can take the test from right here in my bed! I don't have to haul my weak butt into the testing center!
This is important because to attend our school you must be healthy and mobile. If you cannot wheel or walk a quarter mile or more from parking lots to classrooms, you cannot attend classes. Elevators and a few ramps do not an Accessible Campus make, not if you're too sick to walk long distances but not actually disabled.


I miss going to Aikido. I miss how cool it was to be healthy enough to work out and work hard.
I really, really miss my dog.

David Attenborough Voice

*David Attenborough Voice*
Here we have one of nature's rarest creatures! A Raine Artista Introvertus! This solitary creature is endemic to the Chaparral regions of Southern Coastal California, and we aren't quite sure what this one is doing so far out of that range, but the northerly climate does seem to affect its usual habits.
Every Autumn, this rare animal grows sluggish and begins to build a nest of blankets and other soft materials, only emerging periodically, often at night! 

In Autumn, this subspecies of Artista uses its delicate fingers to locate Tylenol, antibiotics and other small prizes buried within nearby cupboards. It then retreats immediately to the safety of its nest! During the day, it can occasionally be enticed to sun itself briefly, in a warm place if lured by pizza, or fresh hot food it didn't have to cook.


I've been diagnosed with acute sinusitis and Silent Sinus Syndrome, for which I require surgery later. Meanwhile I subsist upon tylenol and such food as I can obtain via microwave.

Smile, No One LIkes A Frown (rant)

The hardest thing sometimes about clinical depression and dating is that people assume you can and must make yourself look happy in order to attract a mate

And then that having a mate will make your medical condition vanish

And most general and universal is that “no one likes a sad face”

Everyone Knows
no one can love someone who isn’t cheerful.

Everyone Knows “Happiness is a choice” and if you can’t make yourself happy no one will love you,
Everyone Knows.

 Everyone knows no one loves a sad face.

Everyone knows people love a smile.

So who will love someone with incurable Clinical Depression? I can choose to be peaceful in my low points. But I am a often medically unable to be really happy. Peace in acceptance is the best I can do some days.

A Bowl of Mushrooms, or weird cravings.

Content warning: Post contains discussion of slight food related/eating disorder type issues.

My relationship with food is… It’s Complicated.

Food is my Drug, Let’s be honest. Half of what I eat is all about the euphoric high I get from having taste explosion experiences with anything tasty that I eat. I am autistic and in my case that’s why I have tastebuds in severe overdrive and a sensory neural system that is always turned up to 11. When something as common as Food evokes that sort of response, it’s a setup for serious hangups, issues, associations, complexes and neuroses about and around Food. It’s not something one can avoid, so I have to find ways to deal with Food and Eating more healthfully.

To try to get round that, and to eat a bit better, I’ve managed to work out a system where if something is moderately healthy, and I suddenly crave it, I eat it. If something is refined-sugary or exceedingly caloric, and I still crave it, I eat a little of it. That way I don’t ever feel deprived and binge. (in theory. Pizza is still a bit of a problem. ehehehehe)

A lot of people eat this way, they call it “Mindful Eating” or something. I try not to feel guilty about what I eat, but just to eat some of whatever my body thinks it needs, and not too much of any one thing, and to stop eating once I am almost full.
The theory is that body often knows what it needs if you get good at listening. Most sugar cravings are actually me being thirsty, for example.

One time I bought armloads of squash and cooked it all in a single week.

Another time it was bananas. I must have been short for potassium, because I was strolling along with my grocery list and cart when my nose caught a whiff of bananas and wrenched me around in the supermarket aisle and dragged me to the curved fruits section of the Produce Corner, screaming inside my head, “THAT! WE NEED THAT! BUY US THOSE SO WE CAN EAT THEM.”

Whenever I am working my poor sickly muscles back through phys therapy and into health, I get a serious craving for certain types of meat. Dark meat Chicken, beef, shrimp, anything with oils. I think my body needs that to rebuild. So I eat it.


Which leads to Mushrooms.

What the heel is in mushrooms? Is it potassium? Some vitamin? Why can’t I get enough mushrooms? Portabello, if that makes any difference.

Had enough of your guff, Pinterest.

Look it has been only a year since I was diagnosed as rather severely Gluten Intolerant. I “pin” only certain foods

for a very good reason.

You do not shove a former addict’s addiction in their face
when consuming it could seriously sicken them for months

And they are doing their best to avoid even looking at things that trigger that WANT IT NEED IT addict’s ‘need-surge’

AND THEN YOU COME ALONG WITH YOUR CINNAMON ROLL “PICKED FOR YOU” PINS.

SCREW YOU PINTEREST. GO STEP ON A LEGO YOU HEARTLESS A.I.

In Which I Pass Out, and Much Follows

Long story shortened:

I stood up out of bed one morning and more or less fainted, then had what might have been a seizure, and so I called doctors and we did a ton of tests, one of which was the most unpleasant thing I've been through in years.
(If you are incredibly sensitive to stimuli of any kind, never allow someone to flash an industrial strobe in your face at increasing intensities while you are effectively immobilized on a bed. You will cry, and then the Tech doing the test will feel horrible.)

So now that all the blood work has come back "healthy", I'm still waiting on the brain scan results, and the doctors have no idea what happened yet and will probably be writing it off as "just something that happens when you pass out" without ever telling me how to avoid passing out, or explaining why, since that day, do I keep getting dizzy Every time I stand up instead of just occasionally.

Argh.

For the last time, yes I am drinking Plenty of Water.

Update: Bloodwork is fine. EEG is fine. I have a (relatively) normal brain- not a seizure, yay! I have great healthy blood pressure, I am not anemic, and I am not diabetic. That pretty much rules out possible likely reasons for nearly fainting whenever I stand up too fast.
I am thankful it is none of these things, but I'd sure like them to figure out how to keep me from being a Swooning fragile flower the rest of my life. They have no idea why I get dizzy and then faint or nearly faint. That could kind of hamper some of my plans for an active lifestyle.

In Which I Report In on the Health thing.

March 8:
Three more pounds of fat lost since Feb 29. Doing better at eating proper food, but I'm about to go on a trip so we'll see how that works out- The worst thing about eating only real food is that it's very hard to find while traveling. Body Age, 35.

March 14: Body age 34. Found rather decent food while traveling. Have gained, since last check, 2 or three pounds... of Muscle. This explains the protein cravings.
Eating multigrain toast, fruit and veggie smoothies, roast chicken and carrots and broccoli with organic dip. Yes, "organic" is important even with dip, because normal veggie dip has preservatives, MSG, extra sodiums, corn syrup and goodness knows what else in it. My veggie dip has herbs, onions, and buttermilk. Le gasp, food that includes only food as ingredients- what a novel idea.

In Which I Am Making Little Steps

I was sick sick sick all winter long, so sick I could not often get out of my little home, so now I am a noodle. It's off to Physical Therapy, as of about the beginning of February.
When I started I could not lift anything heavier than maybe five pounds, and that for longer than a few seconds. I could manage one errand per day and come home to fall over on my couch utterly exhausted. I could not go up a set of stairs without pausing for breath. I could not hold my nephew, 11 month old baby Raf, while standing.
35 lb Longbow draw length- only to my elbow. Yes, I've taken up archery. Or I will as I get better.

Now it's March.
Now, I've gained about eight or ten inches to that draw length!
I have gained two pounds of water (Hydration) weight, lost 3% body fat, and gained a few pounds, which would be returning muscle. My tummy has an ever so slightly slack feel to it from lost fat.
I can move chairs. I can do crunches. I can go up a flight of stairs at a steady walking pace. I can hold my nephew for a few minutes. I can carry in groceries from my car, down the stairs and up the flight to my apartment. I can go to Hobby Lobby and walk around for nearly an hour!

Some future goals: Walking the Puppeh, more draw length on the bow, ability to carry full laundry basket down to the first floor laundry dungeon and back up four flights to my apt.
Long long term goals: Heavy armored fighting in SCA combat, being a combat archer, being able to go hiking on the local trails with the Puppeh

I have totally changed what I eat, too. See previous blog about Native inspired health. My philosophy is that you need to work out what your ancestors ate, and eat a healthy moderated version of that. My skin may be light, but my metabolism is Native American, and I do great on seeds, nuts, greens, fruits and veggies, multigrain breads, and lean meats like fowl, fish, and eggs. No starch, no white flour, very little if any refined sugar, very little red meat. No/Less preservatives, no funky artificial stuff, no "low fat" or "Sugar Free" or "Artificially sweetened".

It is really hard to change so drastically, especially since I hate most vegetables. They have such a nasty planty taste. It's especially hard to find anything decent to eat when out and about. I need to plan my menus more carefully, shop more carefully, and cook in advance, then eat things before they can go bad. My lousy sense of time does not help there.

In Which I Ask For Seconds of Zucchini

I am not a veggie person. I taste things on a level most people do not. I have a highly keyed sense of taste and smell. Not bragging, because it's no picnic, but them's the facts. Supposedly there are certain bitter chemicals in many vegetables that some people can taste and others can't- this is what determines if you like that vegetable or not. I can taste a lot of said bitter flavors in pretty much every vegetable. There are some, like green beans, that will make me physically sick just imagining the taste of.
And tonight I ate "second helpings" of Zucchini.

I mentioned earlier in this blog, about two entries ago, that I am changing how I eat. The zucchini thing is a response to a severe pizza craving. Now, I love pizza. I am a critic of pizza like some people love fine wines. I can tell you which delivery pizza has which qualities to it, which ones are crap and which are heavenly, and which frozen pizzas are best, and which places in town serve the best oven baked pizza. I love pizza so much. So now I am not letting myself have white flour and the thing I miss most is my beloved New York Pie.

I hollowed out some zucchini, spread them thinly with coconut oil, sprinkled on garlic and Italian spices, then roasted them. For the last few minutes of roasting I filled them with pizza toppings. Then my friends and I ate them.
It ain't pizza, but it ain't bad.
Next I'm going to try this cauliflower and egg "crust" someone else on the internet has made. I'm using the site Pinterest to get good recipes and keep all my good ideas for food together, and I'm going to try a few new recipes each week. The Zucchini pizza boats were very fast to fix, and very easy to do, so they will probably get repeated later, often.

In Which I Log the Saga of the Pothead Neighbor.

Every freaking where I live there's some idiot smoking. At the apartment in Downtown, #444, it was tobacco, but not very often, and we used to "wash our windows" to get the downstairs neighbors to quit puffing outside our window- with the knowledge and approval of a very cool manager.
At the house on Beech Tree it was my Charming Neighbors, who had a neurotic dog and a perpetually lost cat, very loud parties and far too many pricey cars for one house, and they would toke up occasionally when I had the windows down on nice evenings. In CA the smell of Pot is Probable Cause for a search, and the cops dealt with those lovely people regularly, thanks to an anonymous tipster. Ahem.

But now.
Oh, now this is the worst, right here in lovely innocent Utah. One of the people I am forced by heater vents to share air with is a pothead, and is forcing me to inhale their nasty acrid smoke almost daily. I've been sticking notes about it on facebook, as follows:


Nothing like being home with an upper respiratory infection when one of the people connected to you by a forced air heating system decides to light up some weed. *chokecoughhack* I am sealing the vents. I'll be cold, I don't care.
Like · · December 14, 2011 at 4:21pm


If you're connected by forced air to several other apartments, is there any way to find out which, specifically, of them is smoking pot and choking you while you fight off a lung infection? Because I do not at this moment Love my Neighbor as Myself.
December 15, 2011 at 2:27pm
Heather I had that problem at the timbers. There is no way they can fix it. Only way I know of is to move. I hope you feel better soon though!
December 15, 2011 at 2:54pm · Like
Jennifer check with the property manager to see what the smoking policy is
December 15, 2011 at 3:07pm · Like
Carly Rat them out!!!
December 15, 2011 at 3:25pm · Like
Jason You said once that you have good senses, why not sniff them out? When somebody is smoking weed I can usually smell it through a door. Failing that, just wait until you pass somebody who reeks of weed and see where they go.
December 15, 2011 at 4:07pm · Unlike · 1
Peter Whichever one is also listening to pink floyd or bob marley :)
December 15, 2011 at 4:26pm · Unlike · 1
Laura Good luck, with whatever you do. I hope you get over the lung infection!
December 15, 2011 at 5:03pm · Like · 1
Nicole I'm sorry you're having that problem, but I love your last sentence. It made me LOL.
December 15, 2011 at 10:32pm · Unlike · 1
Me Thanks guys. If it happens again when I can afford to be outdoors in the cold, I'm going knocking on doors until one opens and the smoke wafts out. Then I am calling the cops.
December 16, 2011 at 4:46pm · Like · 1

I never did get to go knocking doors, because that lung infection- bronchitis from a sinus infection- turned into Pneumonia, which I am still trying to recover from here as I post this in January. I still have to avoid cold air whenever I can, so yeah. It goes on:


Saga of the pot-neighbor continues! I am using an air purifier to make my bathroom breathable. Last night whoeveritis decided to get high again at my expense, so I had to go use the shower at Mom's. I can't tell if they're doing it again, or if it's just fumes from last night. Merry freakin' Christmas.
Like · · December 24, 2011 at 11:03am

I sort of feel sorry for someone who has to get high on Christmas. But only sort of. Inflicting it on other people, who have lung and breathing problems, that right there kills my sympathy.
I didn't make a status every time they smoked pot from here on because it has become pretty frequent, increasing in frequency and intensity:


Saga of the Pot Smoking Neighbor continues: Spoke to an Ossifer, and he says they can't enter someone's home or arrest them without actually seeing them doing it. Seeing them with drugs in hand. Even if the whole place reeks. Greeeeaaaat. I can pray the smoker is stoned enough to answer the door with joint in hand.
Like · · December 28, 2011 at 9:02pm

Smoked out of my apartment by acrid marijuana fumes on Saturday, forced to go use a friend's bathroom. Unable to sleep thanks to intermittent fumes all of Sunday night. Had enough. I am going to the management in person. Either they evict this piece of crap or I am moving, and taking my substantial rent and deposit with me. I can't live like this.
Like · · Yesterday at 6:35am

And so we're up to date.
By this point it has gotten so bad it's ruining my ability to sleep properly, I get woken up by the stench. I've had to leave my house and go be with friends to escape it, it keeps me from showering because I can't shut the vents in my bathroom. I choke on it all night. My friends won't come over because they can't deal with the stink of it and a bathroom they can't use either.

I am breaking down. I am contemplating violence. I am wondering if an Assault charge on my public record would be really so bad. I am so very glad the Management has refused to tell me which apartment they think is doing this to me, for my own sake. I am ready to do something phenomenally stupid. I dunno what but it would be violent and stupid. I scream at the walls. I have started phoning Management to leave a message every time the smoker lights up and fumes my house some more, just so they get a sense of the urgency of the problem.
Which brings us to today:

Saga of the pothead neighbor continues: I have contacted the Main Management, described my rather hellishly fumigated weekend, and have given an ultimatum to them. Either they evict this person or I am leaving. End of story. I think they see my point now, and have told me they'll call me back this afternoon.
Like · · 25 minutes ago

If they don't want to lose an exceedingly high amount of money, they will get rid of this problem. I seem to have made them understand that whatever they have said to this person, the Pothead clearly has No intention of ceasing to poison my air and is ruining my health. I have also told them that if I have to go to a hotel, I will be sending them the bill. Money talks. They have said they will contact me this afternoon. I dearly hope it is to say they will have this person thrown out. My sympathy is done.

In Which I Define A Native Inspired Diet

I am Native American- I am going to eat like it, because that keeps me the healthiest.

Fat does not make you fat, starches and refined sugars and fructose/glucose/dextrose etc. make you fat. Especially if you're sedentary.

I have a lot of recipes marked on Pinterest that are "Paleo". Paleo diet posits that cavemen ate lots of meat, that lots of grains aren't good for you, and that fruits, veggies, nuts and meat are the best diet.

I don't think this is entirely healthy. I am Native American, and I know what my ancestors ate in order to be healthy. They had a LOT of seed grains, no refined sugars, tons of fruits and greens and vegetables, and lots and lots of lean meats. I intend to eat like this.

So for recipes, I'm going to get Paleo and Vegan recipes and use them in my diet.
I get a cheat day per week to eat things like Panda Express, and I will be basing my diet in vegetables and fruits, with multigrains and seed grains, and then lean meats. "Paleo" doesn't allow dairy, and my own constitution doesn't technically either, but I love cheese, and butter is half decent for you, actually, in MODERATION.

MODERATION is key to everything in diet, as well as eating no more processed crap, eating things that are genuinely FOOD.

In Which I Resolve to Become Dangerous Again

I used to be dangerous. I was scary good. It was fun. I could depend on my body to do insane things for me.This was freshman year of college. I was physically competent to the point of skilled agility and defense. I could look at a lineup of ten people and say, yep, I could beat four of them- seven of them if I have a ballpoint pen with me. I could go exploring in the hills and rely on my strengths and senses to keep me agile, mobile and safe, with just a stick and a phone and a bottle of water. I could go running over a path full of obstacles and deftly avoid each one, reflexively.
I wanna do that again.

I've been sick for two months straight. Medication adjustment all of November, then sinus infection -> Bronchitis -> Pneumonia for all of December. I am so done being fragile. I wanna go run up mountains now, but that isn't going to happen. Contrary to how I was raised, you can't just barrel on through things because you decide to Keep Moving- that's how I got Pneumonia from a measly Sinus infection. I pushed too hard, too fast, trying to MAKE myself get better NOW.

Well, not this time. This time people who inquire after my health and insist I should push harder will just have to be patient, because I am not going to do anything too fast. THEY aren't the ones who will suffer if I overwork myself. Just repeat that. They are not the ones who will suffer if I push too hard, I WILL. I'm going to do this at a speed I can feel is right and healthy, no matter what anyone else says.
I will not let myself be pressured into doing more than I can handle.

I will not let myself be pressured into doing more than I can handle.

I will not let myself be pressured into doing more than I can handle.

So to be concrete:
January-
-I will get myself to the point that I can walk my dog myself, and move about the rest of an average day, without being utterly exhausted. I am too weak for this now, this must change.
-I will be cutting out all potatoes and white breads. Vacation's over. Multigrain or nothing, kids.
-I will be experimenting with new vegetable recipes, and trying to eat more fruits and veggies.

By March, at least two of my daily meals will be vegetable based. Somehow.

In Which I Have Made Myself Sick, Sort Of.

Argh. I have been on bed rest for the whole week. Not. Fun. Rar. I'm just not used to this kind of thing.

I am adjusting a medication of mine, but the darn stuff is so freaking strong that one has to drop the dose in increments, and every time one does this, one ends up knocked for a loop and in bed for a week- One of the reasons I want OFF of this drug is that it is so very strong and messes with my health like this. So not worth it, can't wait to be free of it.

I have a dog to take care of, dishes and groceries needing doing, and a life to live, and very few local friends with time to help out. Grr. Impatient.

Luckily for me, I do have some friends and family who have been very patient with the whole, Wah, I can't do anything Mess. They've been bringing me food, or walking my dog, or just keeping me company online.

In Which I Have My Own Space Again, and All I Wanna Do Is Art

Phoo.
I'm supposed to be making phone calls of great import, and scheduling more family vacation arrangements, (Yes, I just got back from one, but this year we seem to have several. I like them, I just don't know what I'm going to do with so many of them- They're like pies. Awesome and fun, but more than one of them and you start wondering if you have room left in the metaphorical fridge of mental capacity.) but all I want to do is art, now that I finally have space to do it again.

I can't think very well lately. I can't seem to keep ideas in my head unless they are art ideas. I need to go shopping for food but I don't quite want to because I haven't showered yet because I was going to do that after walking the dog which I slept in too late to do this morning so I have to do that this afternoon and then run laundry while I walk the dog and see if Mom has the phone number to that one doctor I was supposed to call...

and all I want to do is put up sets and take pictures here in my apartment.

I feel like the world is moving too fast for me. If only I could stop time, so the people leaving me would not leave, the people wanting me to go places would not need to be in a hurry to go, and I could sit for a day or two and just Do Art. If only life were so simple.

In Which I Am Like a Star Shining Brightly, and My Neck and I Have an Argument

Shining for the whole world to seeeeee...
I am doing okay. More than okay, I am GOOD. For the first time in years, really, truly, genuinely, Good. Not ecstatic or anything, just quietly radiating contentment in general. Sure I have some stressors, but they are as blips on the radar of life compared to the goodness in my life right now. Better than I've been in five long years.

Also, I wuv my puppeh dog.
I'm keeping our family's dog while they are finding a house in Utah. She is a floofy white American Eskimo who thinks she's a puppy and is actually around 12 years old. Senior doggeh. But she is very clever and sweet and loveable, and we go for walks every day. She's always happy to see me, and now that she has had a trim and a bath she is sooooo SOFT. Everywhere we go everyone remarks on how beautiful she is. They're right. I love my puppeh dog.

And now for something completely different.
I have knots in my neck and shoulder. They've been slowly forming over the last week in spite of my attempts to persuade them otherwise. They refuse to cave in to threats of force. Nothing I've been doing all day will get rid of them, and they have yet to even make a statement of their demands for negotiation. Uncivilized anarchists, I'll see them destroyed, just you wait. I can feel them plotting a migraine, so I am authorizing a preemptive strike with naproxen sodium bombs. Let's see how stiff you are after some Aleve, you disturbers of peace, you!