Aikido and Recovery

 How do you manage to balance (or not) martial arts and other parts of your life?

Aikido is a big part of my mental/personal health. I learn lessons there to apply to my personal emotional challenges. It’s been instrumental in the healing and recovery I am trying to do. It shows me in a kinetic and physical way where my fears still are, and what I can do about them.
Getting personal here, TW mentions of abuse and trauma:

It’s not an official “diagnosis”, but I have a decade or two’s worth of Complex-PTSD, which in my case is the slow trauma I got from long term bullying or emotional abuse, with threats or incidents of physical abuse. I have complex trust issues and problems ever feeling safe. Besides the obvious physical empowerment of a martial art for some self defense, Aikido is teaching me to practice trust, to enforce boundaries, and to speak up when people hurt me or I am uncomfortable.

That last is very difficult as I have had a lifetime of being "trained", told repeatedly and firmly, to be silent when I am hurting or unhappy. In our Aikido Dojo, if you ask someone to stop hurting you... they stop, instead of laughing, ignoring you, dismissing your pain, or increasing it for their entertainment. That is very new and precious to me and I am learning from it.

I am learning which motions still make me uncomfortable, and then in my outside therapy I can address the reasons for those. I get severely dizzy doing a certain turn and I realized it’s because I hate moving backward when I can’t see what’s behind me... because of fear and hypervigilance. I was able to then talk to my counselor about that.

I am also learning how to move with and around things instead of fighting against them. That’s the literal principle behind Aikido but it’s also been helping me in my emotional and personal struggles. “It is far easier to roll a rock, using its own momentum, than to try to carry the same rock. Stop trying to carry the rock!” I put myself through a lot of mental anguish I do not have to actually deal with any more  if I would just stop trying to carry it. So now it’s in inner mantra- “Stop trying to carry the rock!”

Smile, No One LIkes A Frown (rant)

The hardest thing sometimes about clinical depression and dating is that people assume you can and must make yourself look happy in order to attract a mate

And then that having a mate will make your medical condition vanish

And most general and universal is that “no one likes a sad face”

Everyone Knows
no one can love someone who isn’t cheerful.

Everyone Knows “Happiness is a choice” and if you can’t make yourself happy no one will love you,
Everyone Knows.

 Everyone knows no one loves a sad face.

Everyone knows people love a smile.

So who will love someone with incurable Clinical Depression? I can choose to be peaceful in my low points. But I am a often medically unable to be really happy. Peace in acceptance is the best I can do some days.

Chronic Conditions- I don't have to "Overcome" every "Trial"

Whenever the subject of a "trial" or chronic illness or condition comes up, the popular reaction is:
“You need to fight this!”

Uh, no I don’t.

I won’t let it run my life but I’m not going to spend every day fighting.

That’s ridiculous.  No one can do that.

There is no point in doing that, except to satisfy some expectation you have of me that I should get rid of this thing because it is uninvited, or because it is disliked by you.

I am going to go on with my life, in the way dictated by my conscience, and It will not go away. It is part of my lot in life. I accept it.

I have things to do, if you don’t mind, and my Life is for Living. I do not have time to “Fight This.” I have to go do things now. My work will not do itself.

Getting crap done with Depression

Some of the people who follow me might find this useful.

With Clinical Depression, you’re not sad exactly. Your feelings are BROKE. They don’t work properly. Now we are conditioned in this modern world and in “western” culture to let our FEEEEEEELINGS rule our lives. 

"Do what feelz right!" "You gotta feel it!" "I just wasn’t feeling it today, so I didn’t do that thing I was supposed to." "I know, it I just feel it!"

So what do we do when our feelings are medically borked? What other people in many cultures, including our own in the past, used to do or have been doing- they had other motivations. Duty, family honor, personal decisions, or just the fact that there’s no one else gonna do stuff for you, so you Get Sh^# Done.  Necessity is the Mother of Holy Crap Look What I Did.

One of my favorite book series is Terry Pratchett’s Discworld, and his characters often get told by each other, “Get past ‘I Can’t’!”

I am not saying that some kind of positive thinking crap will make the depression go away. It probably won’t. But what it will do is get you moving, even without happy feelings, it will get you to go do that crap. Kick the day in the teeth even if it’s just, Hey, I got up, I showered, I put on clothing and went to my class. Like a boss. Now I am doing my homework. And now I am going to rest, take a hot bath and watch netflix until bedtime because I did hard things today.

This is how I narrate to myself when I know my feelings are not being helpful. I look right at what is in front of me, and make my hands just do it. 

In Which I Have Made Myself Sick, Sort Of.

Argh. I have been on bed rest for the whole week. Not. Fun. Rar. I'm just not used to this kind of thing.

I am adjusting a medication of mine, but the darn stuff is so freaking strong that one has to drop the dose in increments, and every time one does this, one ends up knocked for a loop and in bed for a week- One of the reasons I want OFF of this drug is that it is so very strong and messes with my health like this. So not worth it, can't wait to be free of it.

I have a dog to take care of, dishes and groceries needing doing, and a life to live, and very few local friends with time to help out. Grr. Impatient.

Luckily for me, I do have some friends and family who have been very patient with the whole, Wah, I can't do anything Mess. They've been bringing me food, or walking my dog, or just keeping me company online.

In Which I Angst a Little, Some More.

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl...

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart:
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl....

(Lyrics from musical "Wicked")


Why do I have to fall so hard for wonderful guys who would never imagine I'd be interested, and certainly never dream of being with me? I try to hint, try to speak to him, try to smile at him whenever I see him, try to meet his eyes and let my eyes say something about what I feel, about how I could love him... And then I have to smile when he shows up with a cheerful, beautiful woman on his arm, because he's wonderful, and she's wonderful too, and they are so wonderful together, and how could I have ever thought I would be a fit match for him...

In Which I Tell You about Depression

"Oh, yeah, I was depressed once. I was so sad I couldn't go to this great concert that I stayed in my room for, like, three days."

Traumatic as that maybe, I'm sure, it's not Depression. People can feel sad for what they think is a long time without having depression.
Sadness is when your life is difficult.
Mourning is when you lose someone or something you love and you go through a long process of the emotional effects of your loss.
Depression is when, even if your life is fantastic, multifigure salary, great car, easy job, you can't FEEL anything BUT emptiness or misery or pain.

Having money does not solve it.
Other people do not solve it.
Positive Thinking and getting told to Snap Out of It or Just Keep Trying Harder does not solve it.

Even the wonderful things you used to enjoy doing take effort and will you no longer have. Some people lose the will to live. You physically cannot experience sustained contentment or happiness.

To someone who is Depressed, Do NOT say:
Can't you just quit being so selfish? (Depressed people are often lonely and want a connection with other people)
Well, set your alarm, and just get yourself out of bed!
Power on through it, yeah? You gotta keep trying harder and it'll go away. Try not to be so miserable.(You would never say this to a person with cancer, would you?)
You're not fun to be with anymore. (Or this?)
You're only hurting yourself. You're missing out on so many wonderful things in life! (As if they are doing it on purpose, or need to be told how much joy other people can have that they can't.)
Have you tried yoga/prozac/not being depressed? (Helpful suggestions are rarely helpful, and there is no magic pill to make it just vanish.)
If you exercised more you'd be fine. (While activity releases endorphins, this is not helpful to someone who barely has the will to get up each day and move about, let alone go work out, alone in their mental emptiness)
If you don't get your act together, how are you ever going to get a date/be there for your spouse/raise children? (People with mental illnesses are well aware of what impact that has on their relationships in life. Trust me, they don't need reminders of their loneliness and the social stigma they have to live with.)
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Life's not fair. It isn't all about you. There's always someone worse off than you are. (Other than accusing the person of low moral character, these words accomplish nothing.)
If you'd just take my advice and ----- you'd do so much better! (You're probably not a psychologist and odds are good you do not understand what this person is going through completely enough to give them a simple cure.)
You're at a party/with friends/with family, can't you be happy? Don't you love us?
It's your own fault, you know.
You do this to yourself.
People with Depression have to hear these kinds of things every day from their own inner demons as well as friends and relatives. Don't add to their pain by "helping" like this.


What to say if you CARE about someone who has Depression:

I'm here for you.
Even though I don't understand what you're going through, I'm going to stick with you.
I won't give up on you.
Is there anything I can do for you to help you? (DON"T SAY IT UNLESS YOU MEAN IT. They may need help that is not convenient or easy, like handling chores at their house, or having you watch their kids or pet for a little while)
Do you want to just come over and spend some time here with me? No strings attached. (Sometimes a depressed person doesn't need hugs, or advice, but just someone else around who cares.)
When this is over I'll be here, and so will you. I know you can hang on through this, even though it hurts.
You're not going crazy.
You don't need to worry that your pain might hurt or offend me. I understand this is nobody's fault.
You are important to me, and I just wanted to take a moment to see if you're doing okay.
What you are going through is not just an inconvenience to me. I don't mind making a little time for you.
I care about you.
I don't have to understand it to know that it hurts you, and I'll be here for you.

People with depression don't need very much. They don't need coaching from you, or clever solutions, or for you to try to fix a problem that you cannot fix. They need a few minutes of your time, to know you care, to know you are willing to be there for them as just an anchor and support. Don't try to fix them, just support them, and sometimes help them get help from qualified sources. Most of all, Be there, with empathy and compassion.