A Kiai or Kiap is a shout you traditionally make in martial arts in order to give your motions more power, draw a bit more energy into your movements, distract the opponent or just focus your mind. However, I do not hardly ever use them. Most people will be awkward using them because they feel like it's embarrassing or sounds silly. There are lots of people who feel uncomfortable making those weird sounds.
I have “problems” with this myself, but for other reasons. I can either focus on making a noise, or I can focus on what I am doing. I cannot seem to do both. I hate making loud random noises.
Probably because I really hate loud random noises. And I call it “problems” because it isn’t something I am choosing to “fix”.
Being Autistic impacts martial arts study in so many ways. I have serious hypersensitivity that means sharp loud noises hurt me. I have a problem with my flight or fight response that makes me seriously hate being startled. I don’t like the sensation of being slapped in the ear that a sharp noise gives, and I don’t like it when people shout near or at me.
Being autistic, I spent most of my life smiling when people tell me to smile, saying what society tells me to say, moving the way I am supposed to move, laughing when I’m supposed to laugh, speaking when I’m supposed to speak. Say this. Now say that. Say this to her. Say that to him. Good girl. Good girl says what she is supposed to say. Say the words.
Life has been about doing things that cause me distress, fear or pain because they are little gestures other people will appreciate. Shaking hands when my hands are easily hurt. Hugging when I can’t stand to be touched and panic to be trapped against someone else. Clapping on days when sharp noises hurt. Every day I do something or many things that are upsetting for me because it’s what other people expect of me. Ever since my family has become more aware of this, they appreciate when I put myself through things that are painful for me, like concert performances, in order to show support for them the same way other people would. They support me through my problems with these things and are deeply grateful when they can see I am doing something difficult for me in order to show my love for them.
So: I hope people can see that it’s more than just me being stubborn when I say I will not shout just because it is traditional or helpful *to everyone else* to shout.
I am not like everyone else. That’s the truth of the matter. I am not going to pretend that I am. I am an exception. I accept that. It doesn’t make me better or more “special” than anyone else, but I am DONE pretending I am like everyone else.
(Insert commenter with well-meaning “everybody is different” speech here, rebutted by actual diagnosis and brain scans, and moving on. Autistic people are people but they are not Like Everyone Else in some very significant ways. It’s just the scientific truth.)
Martial arts, for me, is about me finally being the one who is deciding what my body does and what I do. It’s about me deciding, for once in my life, when I will speak and when I will be silent.
Until forced, I will not shout. I decide now when I make the obligatory gesture which pleases others but causes me pain, and when I do what is safe, comfortable and right for me.
So if someone you train with will not shout, see if they are comfortable telling you why. Maybe they have a reason about shyness, or things they’ve been through, or they worry about looking foolish. Or maybe they are like me, making a choice because they have finally learned how to own their bodies and choose for themselves whether they will do a thing that is painful to them.
No comments:
Post a Comment