Venting.
I have an unofficial (read: undiagnosed but it’s as diagnosable as a missing limb- utterly obvious) auditory processing disorder as a part of my diagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome. I’ve always had it but these last few years it has gotten worse. And now I have a new problem socializing, instead of just a serious fear of males and a bizarre sense of shame and self consciousness around groups. Now I cannot communicate hardly at all if in a room with more than about 6 people. Here’s why.
Auditory Processing Disorder means my ears are physically fine. In fact they’re incredibly sensitive. My brain, however, takes in everything the ears can possibly pick up, all the time. There is no filter. I cannot “ignore” a sound. I cannot hear just the people talking to me in a busy restaurant. I have to hear everything around me all at once, all the time.
I always had trouble enjoying myself at dances when I was growing up because the music was too loud and I couldn’t hear anything anyone said. Now I’m a young adult and it’s making dating and socializing darn near impossible.
My main place to meet other people my age is at my church, and in the time between services we tend to socialize. That is, everyone else does. I stand there looking pained and dazed because I’m drowning in a sea of sound and I can’t handle 40-80 conversations happening around me at once. No filter. None. And then people will try to talk to me, to be social, and if I say I can’t, i have a hearing problem, they try SHOUTING. Which of course makes it worse.
If this gets bad enough my brain panics and shuts down my language comprehension. Suddenly my own First Language becomes gibberish. I can think in it, but I can no longer understand anything being said to me. The first time this happened I had a minor meltdown- it was horrifying. Luckily now I know it’s temporary. It tends to last several minutes, or until I remove myself from the situation that triggered it and calm down.
Every social activity around here is done in large groups of six or more people, in loud places. This last year I gave up even going to most of them because I end up just standing there drowning in sound until I have to leave. There’s no possibility of conversation.
And I am finding out if you cannot hear people or talk to them, and you can’t Sign, you’re up the proverbial creek, to put it delicately. What do I do? I am so lonely. I have a very few close friends, and that’s all. I want to make more but I cannot speak or hear in public gatherings.
I have an unofficial (read: undiagnosed but it’s as diagnosable as a missing limb- utterly obvious) auditory processing disorder as a part of my diagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome. I’ve always had it but these last few years it has gotten worse. And now I have a new problem socializing, instead of just a serious fear of males and a bizarre sense of shame and self consciousness around groups. Now I cannot communicate hardly at all if in a room with more than about 6 people. Here’s why.
Auditory Processing Disorder means my ears are physically fine. In fact they’re incredibly sensitive. My brain, however, takes in everything the ears can possibly pick up, all the time. There is no filter. I cannot “ignore” a sound. I cannot hear just the people talking to me in a busy restaurant. I have to hear everything around me all at once, all the time.
I always had trouble enjoying myself at dances when I was growing up because the music was too loud and I couldn’t hear anything anyone said. Now I’m a young adult and it’s making dating and socializing darn near impossible.
My main place to meet other people my age is at my church, and in the time between services we tend to socialize. That is, everyone else does. I stand there looking pained and dazed because I’m drowning in a sea of sound and I can’t handle 40-80 conversations happening around me at once. No filter. None. And then people will try to talk to me, to be social, and if I say I can’t, i have a hearing problem, they try SHOUTING. Which of course makes it worse.
If this gets bad enough my brain panics and shuts down my language comprehension. Suddenly my own First Language becomes gibberish. I can think in it, but I can no longer understand anything being said to me. The first time this happened I had a minor meltdown- it was horrifying. Luckily now I know it’s temporary. It tends to last several minutes, or until I remove myself from the situation that triggered it and calm down.
Every social activity around here is done in large groups of six or more people, in loud places. This last year I gave up even going to most of them because I end up just standing there drowning in sound until I have to leave. There’s no possibility of conversation.
And I am finding out if you cannot hear people or talk to them, and you can’t Sign, you’re up the proverbial creek, to put it delicately. What do I do? I am so lonely. I have a very few close friends, and that’s all. I want to make more but I cannot speak or hear in public gatherings.
I wish I had an awesome suggestion that would solve that problem for you. :(
ReplyDeleteFrom what you share here on the interwebs, I think you're a pretty rad person and it sucks that you're having such a hard time with this stuff. For whatever it may be worth, I sympathize---- I pretty much can't deal with people outside of a one-on-one interaction for a variety of reasons..... but the trouble is, people always seem to come in groups.
I wish I lived closer. We could have *small* group activities that max out in numbers around six or seven people and don't involve loud, pounding music or other, similar distractions. I know it wouldn't exactly solve the problem, but hopefully it would help with things.
ReplyDeleteThe whole "the only good group activity is a large group activity" mentality is one of the primary reasons I don't go to a lot of activities, although my specific challenges are not the same as yours.