Yes, but the two often go together. I was never diagnosed with APD because if I wasn't autistic I probably wouldn't have APD either. It's just another part of how my brain works. (Some people have APD without being autistic, though.)
The main thing about it, for me, is that I have No Cocktail Party Effect. This is the casual name for
the thing your brain does where it listens to the thing you’re trying to
hear, and totally doesn’t register the things you’re not trying to hear.
Mine can’t do that. I hear everything. All the time. And
I have excellent physical hearing, boosted by autistic hyper-sensory
abilities: That is, my physical ears are just like everyone elses’ who
has typically functioning Hearing ears, but my autistic brain has all
the sensory intake areas turned up to 11, so my brain picks up way more
from my auditory nerve than a neurotypical brain would.
End
result, I have freakishly good hearing, but that’s not as useful as it
sounds because of the aforesaid Auditory Processing Thing. I hear
everything, and my brain doesn’t see a need to sort out any of it. If
there’s a room full of people I can hear every single conversation at
once, every rustle of cloth, every exhalation and footstep, and
understand none of the things being said.
I often do not tell
people, especially strangers, that I am Autistic, but I usually have to tell them, “I’m sorry, I
didn’t catch that last thing you said- I have an auditory processing
disorder, and I hear everything else in this room as well as you. Could
you please face me when you speak?”
Monday, December 14, 2015
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Doing or Not Doing. Yeah more zen.
Q: “What do you do to get more energy?”
A: “I… don’t.”
That. That’s it. I do “nothing”.. in the sense that I do less in order to have more energy. To keep my energy for things I need to do, I have cut back on things I do not need to do so often, or could do slowly, or could do another day. I have Chronic Clinical Depression as well as being autistic, so I do often feel that I run out of energy very fast.
What I do is choose very carefully how much activity or sensory input I will engage in each day. I realize this isn’t something that most people can do sometimes, but you may have to make a lot of changes to address energy in this method.
I am not saying it is the best method for everyone, but it is working for me. It is hard to get used to being so gentle with myself. I do not like turning down some invitations to save energy for doctor appointments. Sometimes I would rather go out on the town with my friends than sit indoors and watch a movie with them, but these are the kind of choices I make so as to limit my use of energy.
Now, I am not saying, “Do only necessary things and have no fun at all.” By all means do not do that- it would not be a balanced lifestyle and could lead to problems. Humans are often better off with a balanced life. Do some fun things. Do some needful things. But do less of both, and try not to do everything all at once. I do my healthcare routine of shower etc., then one or two needful things per day like a class or appointment, then I do one or maybe two fun things, either with friends or by doing my art.
I have, I realize, the privilege of being able to set up my life right now so that I am not very busy. It might not be possible for you to do exactly what I do but you can find ways to be a little less busy, which might lead to being less overwhelmed or tired out. Personally, it is healthier for me to avoid being too busy.
Culture right now is very insistent that if you’re not super busy and always tired, you must be “uninformed”, “unpopular” or “unsuccessful”. Ignore that noise. Slow it down. Life is not a competition. Life is life.
A: “I… don’t.”
That. That’s it. I do “nothing”.. in the sense that I do less in order to have more energy. To keep my energy for things I need to do, I have cut back on things I do not need to do so often, or could do slowly, or could do another day. I have Chronic Clinical Depression as well as being autistic, so I do often feel that I run out of energy very fast.
What I do is choose very carefully how much activity or sensory input I will engage in each day. I realize this isn’t something that most people can do sometimes, but you may have to make a lot of changes to address energy in this method.
I am not saying it is the best method for everyone, but it is working for me. It is hard to get used to being so gentle with myself. I do not like turning down some invitations to save energy for doctor appointments. Sometimes I would rather go out on the town with my friends than sit indoors and watch a movie with them, but these are the kind of choices I make so as to limit my use of energy.
Now, I am not saying, “Do only necessary things and have no fun at all.” By all means do not do that- it would not be a balanced lifestyle and could lead to problems. Humans are often better off with a balanced life. Do some fun things. Do some needful things. But do less of both, and try not to do everything all at once. I do my healthcare routine of shower etc., then one or two needful things per day like a class or appointment, then I do one or maybe two fun things, either with friends or by doing my art.
I have, I realize, the privilege of being able to set up my life right now so that I am not very busy. It might not be possible for you to do exactly what I do but you can find ways to be a little less busy, which might lead to being less overwhelmed or tired out. Personally, it is healthier for me to avoid being too busy.
Culture right now is very insistent that if you’re not super busy and always tired, you must be “uninformed”, “unpopular” or “unsuccessful”. Ignore that noise. Slow it down. Life is not a competition. Life is life.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Be a stone in the river.
When you have a Chronic condition, any disability or illness or
trouble that lasts longer than other people have patience for, they
often talk up how great it is for you to always be fighting, always
"keep fighting this". Guess what?
They mean well but that is *exhausting* and irrational to expect.
I'm not saying give up, I am saying you do not have to fight all the time. No one can be in an aggressive mode every day, "inspirational" only when thrashing about against the current. Sit in the current. Be a stone in the river. Let the river go past.
They mean well but that is *exhausting* and irrational to expect.
I'm not saying give up, I am saying you do not have to fight all the time. No one can be in an aggressive mode every day, "inspirational" only when thrashing about against the current. Sit in the current. Be a stone in the river. Let the river go past.
“Heaven is where you are standing, and that is the place to train.” Aikido founder O Sensei Morihei Ueshiba.
I’m not saying you have to be pleased to be where you are. Being sick or disabled in some way often just sucks. It isn’t sunshine and rainbows.
But it is where you are right now, and it might help to know
that you do not have to wait to be happy
until you get better.
You can be happy or at least At Peace in some ways here and now.
Once more: You do not have to wait to be happy
until some future or impossible time when you get better.
You don’t always have to be “fighting”. You deserve to have peace now. Let yourself have it.
I’m not saying you have to be pleased to be where you are. Being sick or disabled in some way often just sucks. It isn’t sunshine and rainbows.
But it is where you are right now, and it might help to know
that you do not have to wait to be happy
until you get better.
You can be happy or at least At Peace in some ways here and now.
Once more: You do not have to wait to be happy
until some future or impossible time when you get better.
You don’t always have to be “fighting”. You deserve to have peace now. Let yourself have it.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Aikido and Recovery
How do you manage to balance (or not) martial arts and other parts of your life?
Aikido is a big part of my mental/personal health. I learn lessons there to apply to my personal emotional challenges. It’s been instrumental in the healing and recovery I am trying to do. It shows me in a kinetic and physical way where my fears still are, and what I can do about them.
Getting personal here, TW mentions of abuse and trauma:
It’s not an official “diagnosis”, but I have a decade or two’s worth of Complex-PTSD, which in my case is the slow trauma I got from long term bullying or emotional abuse, with threats or incidents of physical abuse. I have complex trust issues and problems ever feeling safe. Besides the obvious physical empowerment of a martial art for some self defense, Aikido is teaching me to practice trust, to enforce boundaries, and to speak up when people hurt me or I am uncomfortable.
That last is very difficult as I have had a lifetime of being "trained", told repeatedly and firmly, to be silent when I am hurting or unhappy. In our Aikido Dojo, if you ask someone to stop hurting you... they stop, instead of laughing, ignoring you, dismissing your pain, or increasing it for their entertainment. That is very new and precious to me and I am learning from it.
I am learning which motions still make me uncomfortable, and then in my outside therapy I can address the reasons for those. I get severely dizzy doing a certain turn and I realized it’s because I hate moving backward when I can’t see what’s behind me... because of fear and hypervigilance. I was able to then talk to my counselor about that.
I am also learning how to move with and around things instead of fighting against them. That’s the literal principle behind Aikido but it’s also been helping me in my emotional and personal struggles. “It is far easier to roll a rock, using its own momentum, than to try to carry the same rock. Stop trying to carry the rock!” I put myself through a lot of mental anguish I do not have to actually deal with any more if I would just stop trying to carry it. So now it’s in inner mantra- “Stop trying to carry the rock!”
Aikido is a big part of my mental/personal health. I learn lessons there to apply to my personal emotional challenges. It’s been instrumental in the healing and recovery I am trying to do. It shows me in a kinetic and physical way where my fears still are, and what I can do about them.
Getting personal here, TW mentions of abuse and trauma:
It’s not an official “diagnosis”, but I have a decade or two’s worth of Complex-PTSD, which in my case is the slow trauma I got from long term bullying or emotional abuse, with threats or incidents of physical abuse. I have complex trust issues and problems ever feeling safe. Besides the obvious physical empowerment of a martial art for some self defense, Aikido is teaching me to practice trust, to enforce boundaries, and to speak up when people hurt me or I am uncomfortable.
That last is very difficult as I have had a lifetime of being "trained", told repeatedly and firmly, to be silent when I am hurting or unhappy. In our Aikido Dojo, if you ask someone to stop hurting you... they stop, instead of laughing, ignoring you, dismissing your pain, or increasing it for their entertainment. That is very new and precious to me and I am learning from it.
I am learning which motions still make me uncomfortable, and then in my outside therapy I can address the reasons for those. I get severely dizzy doing a certain turn and I realized it’s because I hate moving backward when I can’t see what’s behind me... because of fear and hypervigilance. I was able to then talk to my counselor about that.
I am also learning how to move with and around things instead of fighting against them. That’s the literal principle behind Aikido but it’s also been helping me in my emotional and personal struggles. “It is far easier to roll a rock, using its own momentum, than to try to carry the same rock. Stop trying to carry the rock!” I put myself through a lot of mental anguish I do not have to actually deal with any more if I would just stop trying to carry it. So now it’s in inner mantra- “Stop trying to carry the rock!”
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Post Sinus Surgery- day 2? -Ish? Wow, pain meds are great...
I had the sinus surgery and it was successful. I will write more later. Currently quite loopy. Thank heaven for good medicine or my face would be hurting wayyy more.
Update coming soon.
Updated!
Doctors told my parents that the Silent Sinus was indeed very small and closed up and had been full of seriously nasty gunk, which is probably what made me sick all month. They sent a sample off to be lab tested to check for anything notable. I kinda wanna hear if there are results. So that sinus has been kind of re-carved out, they shaved down the Turbinates, and they did a Septoplasty to straighten my deviated septum so that I can breathe through regular sized nasal passages for the first time ever. I can't wait to try deep breathing once it's healed, I have always wondered what it would be like to breathe freely and deeply just through my nose.
So, Monday:
the surgery itself was about an hour or two, they say. I had a bad hour or so afterward, in the recovery room, because while I was asleep my body still felt the surgery, and my neck and shoulders had clenched tight into knots, and I was hurting and druggy and pitiful. Dad was sitting right there, and they fed me pain pills and applesauce, and then I got home and got over the Effexor withdrawal by taking my daily dose of that, and they even gave me a lil' anti nausea drug to go with the pain pills. The surgery staff were all terribly kind to me the whole time. Lovely people, and that's not just the Percocet talking.
The post-op nurse was really surprised by how coherent I was even after the pain pills kicked in. She had to help me up to get me re-dressed, and kept saying how remarkably well I was doing. I laughed and told her I've had a LOT of experience being medically compromised. All those times I was wrung out on Effexor withdrawal and had to try to function anyway gave me a lot of training at this sort of thing. Being able to move, talk, and balance while chemically compromised is a skill you can actually practice, it turns out.
Mom and Dad are looking after me now. I have thick squishy blankets, and a nose rinse to use. Daddy bought me GF cookies but I sadly cannot taste them. I can only pick up broad basic flavors right now, like salt in my omelet, or sweet green smoothie. Trying to relax my shoulders- I won't be able to lie face down in a massage table for like a month at least, since those face rings put a lot of pressure on the sinus bones.
I have to take pills every four hours, and rinse out my nose a lot, and sleep sitting upright, and wear a face bandage so I don't leak draining saline or blood on anything.
What I really want to do is lie down on my side like I usually sleep, and sleep for 8 hours straight.
It'll be a little while before I can do that, but SOON.
Just now my face hurts and I am tired, because I have to take 1 pill every 4 hours, and the pills give me a heinously dry mouth, but that's helping me make sure I stay hydrated, so there's that.
Percocet makes me chatty, but I am also talkative (typeative?) because I am bored and a bit lonely. It's hard to talk out loud with a hurting face so my verbal communication is limited. Besides, Mom is busy. I am excited to be on my way to healing.
Update coming soon.
Updated!
Doctors told my parents that the Silent Sinus was indeed very small and closed up and had been full of seriously nasty gunk, which is probably what made me sick all month. They sent a sample off to be lab tested to check for anything notable. I kinda wanna hear if there are results. So that sinus has been kind of re-carved out, they shaved down the Turbinates, and they did a Septoplasty to straighten my deviated septum so that I can breathe through regular sized nasal passages for the first time ever. I can't wait to try deep breathing once it's healed, I have always wondered what it would be like to breathe freely and deeply just through my nose.
So, Monday:
the surgery itself was about an hour or two, they say. I had a bad hour or so afterward, in the recovery room, because while I was asleep my body still felt the surgery, and my neck and shoulders had clenched tight into knots, and I was hurting and druggy and pitiful. Dad was sitting right there, and they fed me pain pills and applesauce, and then I got home and got over the Effexor withdrawal by taking my daily dose of that, and they even gave me a lil' anti nausea drug to go with the pain pills. The surgery staff were all terribly kind to me the whole time. Lovely people, and that's not just the Percocet talking.
The post-op nurse was really surprised by how coherent I was even after the pain pills kicked in. She had to help me up to get me re-dressed, and kept saying how remarkably well I was doing. I laughed and told her I've had a LOT of experience being medically compromised. All those times I was wrung out on Effexor withdrawal and had to try to function anyway gave me a lot of training at this sort of thing. Being able to move, talk, and balance while chemically compromised is a skill you can actually practice, it turns out.
Mom and Dad are looking after me now. I have thick squishy blankets, and a nose rinse to use. Daddy bought me GF cookies but I sadly cannot taste them. I can only pick up broad basic flavors right now, like salt in my omelet, or sweet green smoothie. Trying to relax my shoulders- I won't be able to lie face down in a massage table for like a month at least, since those face rings put a lot of pressure on the sinus bones.
I have to take pills every four hours, and rinse out my nose a lot, and sleep sitting upright, and wear a face bandage so I don't leak draining saline or blood on anything.
What I really want to do is lie down on my side like I usually sleep, and sleep for 8 hours straight.
It'll be a little while before I can do that, but SOON.
Just now my face hurts and I am tired, because I have to take 1 pill every 4 hours, and the pills give me a heinously dry mouth, but that's helping me make sure I stay hydrated, so there's that.
Percocet makes me chatty, but I am also talkative (typeative?) because I am bored and a bit lonely. It's hard to talk out loud with a hurting face so my verbal communication is limited. Besides, Mom is busy. I am excited to be on my way to healing.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Day 30- Norovirus is the flu from hell.
..and I will not be convinced otherwise. Getting that on top of my sinus sickness was
bad.
I have not been so sick in years. Uf. But the norovirus is fading off, leaving me weak, shaky, dehydrated but back to where I was before- just sinus sick. Compared to that hellish flu, this isn't too bad.
It is interfering with my work and school though. I was gonna make some very cool stuff for a production, but they're going to have to use what they have already, with a few exceptions I might be able to manage for them if I move slowly and just have them come pick things up from my house.
I am probably going to have to withdraw on medical grounds from my classes. This sinus thing is making me far too foggy in the head to cope with Academia. I am autistic and in my case that means easily overwhelmed by complex stressors of executive function, and I can't cope with being sick and school at the same time. I thought I could, but I can't.
"Sculpt this", "paint that"; these are things that use an entirely different chunk of brain from, "comprehend and analyze this in a literary fashion according to these parameters". It's that Academic level on which I cannot function right now.
And I just got word that my insurance refuses to let me get surgery on Monday. I cannot heal or become healthy until the surgery happens. There is an infection inside the bones of my face that will not respond to antibiotics and my insurance wants "Authorization" before they'll let me get surgery. Which means waiting a few more weeks probably.
So. Frustrating.
Edit, next day: Worked out a thing with insurance whereby I will pay up front for those parts of the surgery they want to "authorize" and would have delayed it for, I get the surgery, then they reimburse me after they "authorize" it. I mean seriously it's worth it even if I had to pay out of pocket for the whole darn thing.
bad.
I have not been so sick in years. Uf. But the norovirus is fading off, leaving me weak, shaky, dehydrated but back to where I was before- just sinus sick. Compared to that hellish flu, this isn't too bad.
It is interfering with my work and school though. I was gonna make some very cool stuff for a production, but they're going to have to use what they have already, with a few exceptions I might be able to manage for them if I move slowly and just have them come pick things up from my house.
I am probably going to have to withdraw on medical grounds from my classes. This sinus thing is making me far too foggy in the head to cope with Academia. I am autistic and in my case that means easily overwhelmed by complex stressors of executive function, and I can't cope with being sick and school at the same time. I thought I could, but I can't.
"Sculpt this", "paint that"; these are things that use an entirely different chunk of brain from, "comprehend and analyze this in a literary fashion according to these parameters". It's that Academic level on which I cannot function right now.
And I just got word that my insurance refuses to let me get surgery on Monday. I cannot heal or become healthy until the surgery happens. There is an infection inside the bones of my face that will not respond to antibiotics and my insurance wants "Authorization" before they'll let me get surgery. Which means waiting a few more weeks probably.
So. Frustrating.
Edit, next day: Worked out a thing with insurance whereby I will pay up front for those parts of the surgery they want to "authorize" and would have delayed it for, I get the surgery, then they reimburse me after they "authorize" it. I mean seriously it's worth it even if I had to pay out of pocket for the whole darn thing.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Day 21. still sick, venting
Still sick. Fever, exhaustion, weak.
Imageshack now thinks I deleted my account with them. dandy. Swearing.
I sent them an email
but that'd mean every pic I ever put on DoA is now gone.
Every last one. Galleries, comparisons, all those threads and tutorials.
if, as I am betting money, Imageshack mails me back and says Oops must be a glitch, sorry nothing we can do.
I was having a passable day up til then
they don't even recognize my email as part of their system. I had to use their Help section.
also I need to break something or shoot something.
but I'm still running a fever so I can't do any of those things. Ordinarily this is when I would hit the archery range and shoot until I can't. Or a good pell, and beat the crap out of it.
But I am flat on my back in bed.
yes other people have it worse but I am just going a little stircrazy right here and now.
I miss cleaning. Chores. I miss them.
I am living in my own mess right now because I can't clean up, this house looks like Hoarders Lite. It's all I can do to keep clean dishes in rotation so I have a way to feed myself. and I shower. That's my energy for the day.
I tried to work on props stuff but it used too much energy and my hands shake. Same with crafting or sculpting.
Imageshack now thinks I deleted my account with them. dandy. Swearing.
I sent them an email
but that'd mean every pic I ever put on DoA is now gone.
Every last one. Galleries, comparisons, all those threads and tutorials.
if, as I am betting money, Imageshack mails me back and says Oops must be a glitch, sorry nothing we can do.
I was having a passable day up til then
they don't even recognize my email as part of their system. I had to use their Help section.
also I need to break something or shoot something.
but I'm still running a fever so I can't do any of those things. Ordinarily this is when I would hit the archery range and shoot until I can't. Or a good pell, and beat the crap out of it.
But I am flat on my back in bed.
yes other people have it worse but I am just going a little stircrazy right here and now.
I miss cleaning. Chores. I miss them.
I am living in my own mess right now because I can't clean up, this house looks like Hoarders Lite. It's all I can do to keep clean dishes in rotation so I have a way to feed myself. and I shower. That's my energy for the day.
I tried to work on props stuff but it used too much energy and my hands shake. Same with crafting or sculpting.
Friday, September 25, 2015
Day 17 of the Autumn 2015 Sinus troubles.
I've been sick for 17 days now. Only about 3 of those involved leaving the house at all. I am getting bored of my bedroom. *WHINE* I'm a big baby.
As I mentioned, I've been diagnosed with Silent Sinus Syndrome, which is a rare condition where the sinuses in the front of one side of the face close up for as long as several years. I also have a deviated septum. This probably is part of why my allergic reactions turn into painful acute sinus infections within about 48 hours, those infections linger for a month or so, then crawl into my lungs to nest for the winter.
Fixing it requires surgery. I don't know when I get the surgery- I have a consult appointment next week. I don't know how long recovery will take either. This is only upsetting for me in that I am sick right now, and that I was going to get a dog.
I need a dog. I am a sad piece of misery without one. My house is too quiet. No one wakes me up to go for walks.
There's the catch, though. To have a dog, I have to be healthy enough to move around. I am not, so I can't. I am so lonely without a dog. I won't be able to have one until I am healthy enough to move around again, outdoors. I wear a scarf over my nose and mouth in winter here anyway because I almost always have or am recovering form lung infections in winter, so I can't breathe icy cold air.
I wanted to get a dog and go scootering with him in the mornings. I was healthy enough to do it, too. And then this happened. Foo.
You'd think after years of winter bedrest for months at a time, I'd get used to bedrest. Nope. Still as whiny as ever. I hate not being able to at least sit up and do things, but the more I do anything other than lie down or against pillows in bed, the sicker I get the next day. I have to REST. Well, tomorrow after I do my online test I am gonna play computer games on the couch downstairs. I can be bundled up down there just as easily as up here.
Yes, online test. Did I mention the awesome side of this?
1. They caught the SSS before my eyeball started to sag. That's right, most people only know they have this thingy when their sinus has imploded so much that the bone under the eye socket is dissolved and their eye starts to droop. NOPE NOPE NOPE. So I am very thankful my CT scan showed that I have it before anything happened to my precious eyes. I am exceedingly visual and I need my eyes.
2. In spite of my brain fog making reading hard, I have found an Audio Dramatization by the BBC of my textbook, (still chortling over that) and that's been letting me "study" for the test I need to to take which is ONLINE. My History class is at the cutting edge, for a college course, and that means our assignments and tests are all ONLINE. I can take the test from right here in my bed! I don't have to haul my weak butt into the testing center!
This is important because to attend our school you must be healthy and mobile. If you cannot wheel or walk a quarter mile or more from parking lots to classrooms, you cannot attend classes. Elevators and a few ramps do not an Accessible Campus make, not if you're too sick to walk long distances but not actually disabled.
I miss going to Aikido. I miss how cool it was to be healthy enough to work out and work hard.
I really, really miss my dog.
As I mentioned, I've been diagnosed with Silent Sinus Syndrome, which is a rare condition where the sinuses in the front of one side of the face close up for as long as several years. I also have a deviated septum. This probably is part of why my allergic reactions turn into painful acute sinus infections within about 48 hours, those infections linger for a month or so, then crawl into my lungs to nest for the winter.
Fixing it requires surgery. I don't know when I get the surgery- I have a consult appointment next week. I don't know how long recovery will take either. This is only upsetting for me in that I am sick right now, and that I was going to get a dog.
I need a dog. I am a sad piece of misery without one. My house is too quiet. No one wakes me up to go for walks.
There's the catch, though. To have a dog, I have to be healthy enough to move around. I am not, so I can't. I am so lonely without a dog. I won't be able to have one until I am healthy enough to move around again, outdoors. I wear a scarf over my nose and mouth in winter here anyway because I almost always have or am recovering form lung infections in winter, so I can't breathe icy cold air.
I wanted to get a dog and go scootering with him in the mornings. I was healthy enough to do it, too. And then this happened. Foo.
You'd think after years of winter bedrest for months at a time, I'd get used to bedrest. Nope. Still as whiny as ever. I hate not being able to at least sit up and do things, but the more I do anything other than lie down or against pillows in bed, the sicker I get the next day. I have to REST. Well, tomorrow after I do my online test I am gonna play computer games on the couch downstairs. I can be bundled up down there just as easily as up here.
Yes, online test. Did I mention the awesome side of this?
1. They caught the SSS before my eyeball started to sag. That's right, most people only know they have this thingy when their sinus has imploded so much that the bone under the eye socket is dissolved and their eye starts to droop. NOPE NOPE NOPE. So I am very thankful my CT scan showed that I have it before anything happened to my precious eyes. I am exceedingly visual and I need my eyes.
2. In spite of my brain fog making reading hard, I have found an Audio Dramatization by the BBC of my textbook, (still chortling over that) and that's been letting me "study" for the test I need to to take which is ONLINE. My History class is at the cutting edge, for a college course, and that means our assignments and tests are all ONLINE. I can take the test from right here in my bed! I don't have to haul my weak butt into the testing center!
This is important because to attend our school you must be healthy and mobile. If you cannot wheel or walk a quarter mile or more from parking lots to classrooms, you cannot attend classes. Elevators and a few ramps do not an Accessible Campus make, not if you're too sick to walk long distances but not actually disabled.
I miss going to Aikido. I miss how cool it was to be healthy enough to work out and work hard.
I really, really miss my dog.
Thursday, September 24, 2015
David Attenborough Voice
*David Attenborough Voice*
Here we have one of nature's rarest creatures! A Raine Artista Introvertus! This solitary creature is endemic to the Chaparral regions of Southern Coastal California, and we aren't quite sure what this one is doing so far out of that range, but the northerly climate does seem to affect its usual habits.
Every Autumn, this rare animal grows sluggish and begins to build a nest of blankets and other soft materials, only emerging periodically, often at night!
In Autumn, this subspecies of Artista uses its delicate fingers to locate Tylenol, antibiotics and other small prizes buried within nearby cupboards. It then retreats immediately to the safety of its nest! During the day, it can occasionally be enticed to sun itself briefly, in a warm place if lured by pizza, or fresh hot food it didn't have to cook.
I've been diagnosed with acute sinusitis and Silent Sinus Syndrome, for which I require surgery later. Meanwhile I subsist upon tylenol and such food as I can obtain via microwave.
Here we have one of nature's rarest creatures! A Raine Artista Introvertus! This solitary creature is endemic to the Chaparral regions of Southern Coastal California, and we aren't quite sure what this one is doing so far out of that range, but the northerly climate does seem to affect its usual habits.
Every Autumn, this rare animal grows sluggish and begins to build a nest of blankets and other soft materials, only emerging periodically, often at night!
In Autumn, this subspecies of Artista uses its delicate fingers to locate Tylenol, antibiotics and other small prizes buried within nearby cupboards. It then retreats immediately to the safety of its nest! During the day, it can occasionally be enticed to sun itself briefly, in a warm place if lured by pizza, or fresh hot food it didn't have to cook.
I've been diagnosed with acute sinusitis and Silent Sinus Syndrome, for which I require surgery later. Meanwhile I subsist upon tylenol and such food as I can obtain via microwave.
Monday, September 21, 2015
INTJ problems- Not Cold, Pressure Cooker.
I test out on the Myers- Briggs profile, professionally done, as an
INTJ/p. That is, I have some times when that last variable is a 50/50
split.
INJT are stereotyped as likely to be cold rational intuitive thinkers, blunt, honest, a bit socially awkward, and stuck kind of pretending to reactions they don’t feel in order to fit in.
All spot on,
except one thing.
I’m not cold. I’ve never been cold unless you mean like Dry Ice is cold. I am a kettle. I am boiling over. I am a slowly seething mass of rage that vents gently and constantly so it doesn’t explode. I am FULL of lots of emotions, lots of loves, lots of empathy for people I’ve never even met, depths of sorrows, lots of old resentments, LOTS of righteous wrath against willful hate.
I am largely full of rage. Yet I do not appear outwardly to have anger issues, and have almost never “taken it out” on someone. Never, in my adult life.
It’s not for lack of knowing how, either- I know a lot of very dangerous stuff including certain martial arts. Or for lack of really, really, wanting to.
Most of my family would be very surprised to learn that I am pretty constantly a roiling pressure cooker of wrath and rage…. under a knitted tea-cozy. “That’s my secret, Cap… I’m always angry.”
…crap. I’m growing up to be either Bruce Banner or Sam Vimes. That’s either really good or really bad.
I sublimate that rage so it never comes out. But I just don’t identify with this stereotype that INTJ people are cold and unfeeling. I have these vast oceans of feelings, not the least of which is this… Anger Thing.
INJT are stereotyped as likely to be cold rational intuitive thinkers, blunt, honest, a bit socially awkward, and stuck kind of pretending to reactions they don’t feel in order to fit in.
All spot on,
except one thing.
I’m not cold. I’ve never been cold unless you mean like Dry Ice is cold. I am a kettle. I am boiling over. I am a slowly seething mass of rage that vents gently and constantly so it doesn’t explode. I am FULL of lots of emotions, lots of loves, lots of empathy for people I’ve never even met, depths of sorrows, lots of old resentments, LOTS of righteous wrath against willful hate.
I am largely full of rage. Yet I do not appear outwardly to have anger issues, and have almost never “taken it out” on someone. Never, in my adult life.
It’s not for lack of knowing how, either- I know a lot of very dangerous stuff including certain martial arts. Or for lack of really, really, wanting to.
Most of my family would be very surprised to learn that I am pretty constantly a roiling pressure cooker of wrath and rage…. under a knitted tea-cozy. “That’s my secret, Cap… I’m always angry.”
…crap. I’m growing up to be either Bruce Banner or Sam Vimes. That’s either really good or really bad.
I sublimate that rage so it never comes out. But I just don’t identify with this stereotype that INTJ people are cold and unfeeling. I have these vast oceans of feelings, not the least of which is this… Anger Thing.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Thing about Aikido
People often will watch an Aikido demo and say, “Well it’s not realistic, you cooperated with him when he threw you!”
Hahaha, Of course I did!
My other option was to have my arm dislocated, possibly spiral-fractured (don’t google that), and then to land neck first on the ground with all of my body weight on top of my then-shattered vertebrae. Much safer to go along with it and roll.
Aikido “looks fake” because the people being tossed
protect themselves
from the consequences of having all their momentum hurled into the ground, along with squishy breakable anatomy.
We could resist More, yes, but it would have bad results. we often do try to resist a bit to help our partners practice against an unwilling opponent, but the result is pretty much the same- Wowican’tbendthatwayTHUD…Tap!Tap!
I promise you, if you learn to roll and fall correctly to protect your body, and then get a Sensei to show you some Aikido, you will see how effective it can be. Once your balance and momentum do not belong to you, you are hurtling through the air whether you like it or not. And then you’re on the ground wondering what the heck just happened. And all that happens in less than a second. It’s really, really FUN.
Hahaha, Of course I did!
My other option was to have my arm dislocated, possibly spiral-fractured (don’t google that), and then to land neck first on the ground with all of my body weight on top of my then-shattered vertebrae. Much safer to go along with it and roll.
Aikido “looks fake” because the people being tossed
protect themselves
from the consequences of having all their momentum hurled into the ground, along with squishy breakable anatomy.
We could resist More, yes, but it would have bad results. we often do try to resist a bit to help our partners practice against an unwilling opponent, but the result is pretty much the same- Wowican’tbendthatwayTHUD…Tap!Tap!
I promise you, if you learn to roll and fall correctly to protect your body, and then get a Sensei to show you some Aikido, you will see how effective it can be. Once your balance and momentum do not belong to you, you are hurtling through the air whether you like it or not. And then you’re on the ground wondering what the heck just happened. And all that happens in less than a second. It’s really, really FUN.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Smile, No One LIkes A Frown (rant)
And then that having a mate will make your medical condition vanish
And most general and universal is that “no one likes a sad face”
Everyone Knows
no one can love someone who isn’t cheerful.
Everyone Knows “Happiness is a choice” and if you can’t make yourself happy no one will love you,
Everyone Knows.
Everyone knows no one loves a sad face.
Everyone knows people love a smile.
So who will love someone with incurable Clinical Depression? I can choose to be peaceful in my low points. But I am a often medically unable to be really happy. Peace in acceptance is the best I can do some days.
Zen, attainment and goals
A friend asked me,“Do you think more goals come along after achieving
hyper-focused goals we’ve had for years? I’ve been chasing my goals so
long that I literally do not know what I would do once I achieve these
goals. I’m like a dog chasing cars- what would I ever do if I caught
one?”
Did you see the Disney film Tangled? We’re like Rapunzel. She had a dream to go see the lights. Along that journey, her experiences stacked up and built her into a new person, so that once she had seen the lights, she realized that seeking that goal had led her to a new goal.
You cannot make a new joy the one thing you set up to seek. A boy dreams of becoming a pilot but when he goes to flight school he finds out it is hard work. He perseveres because he wants to fly. When he does get his dream, he enjoys it for quite some time, and he always does enjoy it, but the novelty does wear off a little. Suddenly he discovers photography and uses his plane for aerial shots. He has a new dream to pursue.
To Seek Joy makes Joy a noun, a thing we can attain or lose. To Enjoy is a verb- it’s a thing we can keep doing over and over again. I think we can have more Joy in Verbs than in Nouns. I mean: A Thing is passing- Doing is continual.
A man and a woman fall blissfully in love and decide to get married. One morning she wakes up and realizes she no longer feels that “old thrill” about him, and she doesn’t feel the way she did when she married him. She is not “In Love”, but she thinks about how they care for each other, and decides she still loves him, and that she will continue to. She realizes Love as a Noun is a thing you can lose, but To Love as a Verb is something she can do. She talks to her husband, and he agrees- that “spark” is gone, but as they say, nothing lasts.. Should they quit their marriage because they lost a thing they had? They decide instead to find new “sparks.” They take a road trip together, do new activities, spend time together, and discover new ways they can love each other. They spend over 50 years discovering Loving as a Verb, discovering ever new horizons of caring and connection.
People who try to make one pivotal experience last forever and be their true satisfaction are often unhappy because they are trying to make a moment last forever. The true value of those moments is that they are rare and precious- that they do not last. Instead of despairing because we cannot make a moment last, we might find more joy in just savoring the moment. As we savor it, it becomes part of us, and even when it is over, we have it always.
Every joy we do not try to prolong artificially leads us to new joys.
What we grasp and cling at, we lose- what we let go of, we find we can keep forever.
(sourcing CS Lewis more than perhaps a little here, go read Mere Christianity or The Problem of Pain. )
Did you see the Disney film Tangled? We’re like Rapunzel. She had a dream to go see the lights. Along that journey, her experiences stacked up and built her into a new person, so that once she had seen the lights, she realized that seeking that goal had led her to a new goal.
You cannot make a new joy the one thing you set up to seek. A boy dreams of becoming a pilot but when he goes to flight school he finds out it is hard work. He perseveres because he wants to fly. When he does get his dream, he enjoys it for quite some time, and he always does enjoy it, but the novelty does wear off a little. Suddenly he discovers photography and uses his plane for aerial shots. He has a new dream to pursue.
To Seek Joy makes Joy a noun, a thing we can attain or lose. To Enjoy is a verb- it’s a thing we can keep doing over and over again. I think we can have more Joy in Verbs than in Nouns. I mean: A Thing is passing- Doing is continual.
A man and a woman fall blissfully in love and decide to get married. One morning she wakes up and realizes she no longer feels that “old thrill” about him, and she doesn’t feel the way she did when she married him. She is not “In Love”, but she thinks about how they care for each other, and decides she still loves him, and that she will continue to. She realizes Love as a Noun is a thing you can lose, but To Love as a Verb is something she can do. She talks to her husband, and he agrees- that “spark” is gone, but as they say, nothing lasts.. Should they quit their marriage because they lost a thing they had? They decide instead to find new “sparks.” They take a road trip together, do new activities, spend time together, and discover new ways they can love each other. They spend over 50 years discovering Loving as a Verb, discovering ever new horizons of caring and connection.
People who try to make one pivotal experience last forever and be their true satisfaction are often unhappy because they are trying to make a moment last forever. The true value of those moments is that they are rare and precious- that they do not last. Instead of despairing because we cannot make a moment last, we might find more joy in just savoring the moment. As we savor it, it becomes part of us, and even when it is over, we have it always.
Every joy we do not try to prolong artificially leads us to new joys.
What we grasp and cling at, we lose- what we let go of, we find we can keep forever.
(sourcing CS Lewis more than perhaps a little here, go read Mere Christianity or The Problem of Pain. )
Single life. (rant)
Being Single is not as fun as it seems. People hear that I am Single
and immediately respond with, “Whoohoo, single! You can Play the Field!”
Nope.
The Field… is barren, pal. When I say Single I don’t mean “unmarried and dating around and having wild girls’ nights out”,
I mean Alone.
Don’t say that kind of thing to Single people unless you know them VERY well.
Your well meaning insinuations that I am some kind of free, happy-go-lucky, party-animal because I am without a commitment, and assuming I clearly desire to be in such a state, is not helpful or asked-for. The fact that I have been unable, for years, to form meaningful relationships or even enter dialogue with potential mates is not something I care to discuss.
Nor do you get to make remarks about me having Standards Too High. Are you saying I should lower them and go out with the first man who’d notice me? Because I made the biggest mistake of my life that way once, and it’s not an option. I do not owe a guy attention just because he singles me out and says “I want that one”. I do get a say, here.
Nor am I “waiting for Prince Charming”. Many people would have me believe I am actively driving him away by getting on with my life. I don’t have time to wait for him if he exists.
Where was this Prince Charming when I was a child being harassed and bullied and abused by boys every day of my sad little school life? Where was this Prince Charming when I was young and looking for love? Where was this Prince Charming when I was failing out of college and could have used a rescue? Where was this Prince Charming when I was finding ways to move out of my parents’ house? Where was this Prince Charming when I was fighting the darkest demons imaginable? Where was this Prince Charming when I was being stalked, in fear for my life, fleeing my home?
They tell you Prince Charming is gonna save you from the monsters, and I believed them. Then all the Princes turned out to be the monsters- or just men.
I’m okay with the ones who are just men, but now I’ve fought off so many I can’t tell men from monsters anymore. So I’m alone.
I don’t want a Prince Charming. He doesn’t exist. I want a man. A humble, ordinary human man who isn’t there to sweep in and save me. I’d just like him to be …there.
The Field… is barren, pal. When I say Single I don’t mean “unmarried and dating around and having wild girls’ nights out”,
I mean Alone.
Don’t say that kind of thing to Single people unless you know them VERY well.
Your well meaning insinuations that I am some kind of free, happy-go-lucky, party-animal because I am without a commitment, and assuming I clearly desire to be in such a state, is not helpful or asked-for. The fact that I have been unable, for years, to form meaningful relationships or even enter dialogue with potential mates is not something I care to discuss.
Nor do you get to make remarks about me having Standards Too High. Are you saying I should lower them and go out with the first man who’d notice me? Because I made the biggest mistake of my life that way once, and it’s not an option. I do not owe a guy attention just because he singles me out and says “I want that one”. I do get a say, here.
Nor am I “waiting for Prince Charming”. Many people would have me believe I am actively driving him away by getting on with my life. I don’t have time to wait for him if he exists.
Where was this Prince Charming when I was a child being harassed and bullied and abused by boys every day of my sad little school life? Where was this Prince Charming when I was young and looking for love? Where was this Prince Charming when I was failing out of college and could have used a rescue? Where was this Prince Charming when I was finding ways to move out of my parents’ house? Where was this Prince Charming when I was fighting the darkest demons imaginable? Where was this Prince Charming when I was being stalked, in fear for my life, fleeing my home?
They tell you Prince Charming is gonna save you from the monsters, and I believed them. Then all the Princes turned out to be the monsters- or just men.
I’m okay with the ones who are just men, but now I’ve fought off so many I can’t tell men from monsters anymore. So I’m alone.
I don’t want a Prince Charming. He doesn’t exist. I want a man. A humble, ordinary human man who isn’t there to sweep in and save me. I’d just like him to be …there.
White/Xwayaat
I am what most people would call bi-racial. I come from many
ethnicities and histories, but my two major cultures are UK-Celtic
“White”,
and on the other side of the family I am very much Native American.
I have very pale skin, and outwardly show no signs of Native heritage but some subtle bone structuring and the thick, nearly black hair of our tribe. Everyone assumes I am “White”.
But the people who give me the most grief about how pale my skin is
who harass me every time I wear a swimsuit,
with “jokes” and cries of pretending to be blinded by my “undesirable”, “gross”, “ugly” whiteness,
who constantly insist I should be trying to tan more
so I stop being SOOOO pale
are other “White” people.
and on the other side of the family I am very much Native American.
I have very pale skin, and outwardly show no signs of Native heritage but some subtle bone structuring and the thick, nearly black hair of our tribe. Everyone assumes I am “White”.
But the people who give me the most grief about how pale my skin is
who harass me every time I wear a swimsuit,
with “jokes” and cries of pretending to be blinded by my “undesirable”, “gross”, “ugly” whiteness,
who constantly insist I should be trying to tan more
so I stop being SOOOO pale
are other “White” people.
Post-dated post: 4th of July Rant
I hate living in a state where anyone can get their hands on fireworks.
Excuse me while I spend the next 48 hours in a state of hypervigilance due to startle response, and stifling bad Firestorm ‘03 Trauma-flashbacks from the smell of ashes and sulfur and plastics burning.
*off to huddle under heavy blanket and weep softly*
I don’t think I Love My Country. I wish I lived in a place that celebrated things with music, or concerts, or folk dances, or candle vigils. Instead of Explosives.
Excuse me while I spend the next 48 hours in a state of hypervigilance due to startle response, and stifling bad Firestorm ‘03 Trauma-flashbacks from the smell of ashes and sulfur and plastics burning.
*off to huddle under heavy blanket and weep softly*
I don’t think I Love My Country. I wish I lived in a place that celebrated things with music, or concerts, or folk dances, or candle vigils. Instead of Explosives.
Aikido and Grief
Jul 8. 2015
I had to let my darling dog go “Home” this last week. It was hard for me, but she was losing her ability to do all the things she wanted to do, and her body was quitting on her. She was already aching most of the time, so we let her go before she started to really suffer. I think I’m handling it as best as can be expected. I had a while to get used to the idea and really adjust to it as a huge change in my life. Funny thing was, Aikido helped me through it.
I had told Sensei I might not be at our session on Thursday because that morning we were putting my dear dog ‘to sleep’. He understood and was very kind and sympathetic.
So when I showed up on Thursday afternoon, he raised his eyebrows and said, “I thought you weren’t going come to practice today!”
And I said, “At first I wasn’t going to be here, because I knew how much I’d be dealing with… Then I realized that that’s exactly why I needed to be here.”
He nodded. “That’s right.” Just before he turned away I saw his grin. I think he was trying not to show too much of how proud he was that this week I had grasped a part of Aikido Zen.
I had to let my darling dog go “Home” this last week. It was hard for me, but she was losing her ability to do all the things she wanted to do, and her body was quitting on her. She was already aching most of the time, so we let her go before she started to really suffer. I think I’m handling it as best as can be expected. I had a while to get used to the idea and really adjust to it as a huge change in my life. Funny thing was, Aikido helped me through it.
I had told Sensei I might not be at our session on Thursday because that morning we were putting my dear dog ‘to sleep’. He understood and was very kind and sympathetic.
So when I showed up on Thursday afternoon, he raised his eyebrows and said, “I thought you weren’t going come to practice today!”
And I said, “At first I wasn’t going to be here, because I knew how much I’d be dealing with… Then I realized that that’s exactly why I needed to be here.”
He nodded. “That’s right.” Just before he turned away I saw his grin. I think he was trying not to show too much of how proud he was that this week I had grasped a part of Aikido Zen.
Smile and Nod- Advice for the over-educated
..So often the best policy. Especially when you know stuff no one else needs to know.
Person:
“OMG we totally picked the perfect name for our baby, because I looked it up, and this baby name book says it means " Gift from Heaven”!
Me, internally:
OWCH. Ah, No. No it doesn’t.
You gave your daughter a name nicely following two rather popular trends right now, the “UK Surname As a Firstname” trend, and the “Girl named with a syllable ending the in the fashionable, feminine-associeted -ey sound, like Ashley and Brittany” trend.
But it does not mean anything even slightly like Heavenly Gift, it’s a Locative Surname given to tell people where someone was from. It’s just the name of a town, which was in turn named after a geographic feature or famous historical event.
Now, I know whatever name you give your beloved child will forever mean Her, to you, but linguistically and in reality that name does not remotely mean Heaven’s Precious Gift, it means, “This one town in Lancashire with some white trees near it.”
Baby name books lie to you to make you feel good and buy their book.
If the actual linguistic Meaning of a name matters to you for everyone’s sake please do your research….
Me, Outwardly:
*Smile and Nod* Oh, that’s nice.
Sometimes, it's best to keep your mouth shut. Everyone's happier.
Person:
“OMG we totally picked the perfect name for our baby, because I looked it up, and this baby name book says it means " Gift from Heaven”!
Me, internally:
OWCH. Ah, No. No it doesn’t.
You gave your daughter a name nicely following two rather popular trends right now, the “UK Surname As a Firstname” trend, and the “Girl named with a syllable ending the in the fashionable, feminine-associeted -ey sound, like Ashley and Brittany” trend.
But it does not mean anything even slightly like Heavenly Gift, it’s a Locative Surname given to tell people where someone was from. It’s just the name of a town, which was in turn named after a geographic feature or famous historical event.
Now, I know whatever name you give your beloved child will forever mean Her, to you, but linguistically and in reality that name does not remotely mean Heaven’s Precious Gift, it means, “This one town in Lancashire with some white trees near it.”
Baby name books lie to you to make you feel good and buy their book.
If the actual linguistic Meaning of a name matters to you for everyone’s sake please do your research….
Me, Outwardly:
*Smile and Nod* Oh, that’s nice.
Sometimes, it's best to keep your mouth shut. Everyone's happier.
Weird Martial arts dreams
"Tell me about your martial arts dreams. Like the ones when you are asleep."Hoo boy I had a heck of one last night. Lemme get to my laptop and edit it in here.
So I seemed to be high school age again, me and a few friends were attending this conference meeting thing with a bunch of other high schoolers at a big building with lawn around it, right across from my high school. Somehow I was a practicing Aikidoka then. I think in the dream, Sensei’s dojo was based in my high school, not at my college as is reality.
Everyone at this meeting got really angry with our group, I think it was because after the meeting and potluck snacking, we took back the leftover cookies we had brought and we ate the rest that the meeting people had not eaten. For dream reasons, this made them all furious at us. They really wanted to punch our faces in.
We tried to run for our huge white van and leave, but we were missing one of our group, a very shy girl. Outside on the lawn around the building, teens were gathering to work themselves up and get really ready to find us and beat us up. They were standing around in loose groups of twos and threes all over two sides of the building.
So I said to my friends with me in the van, “Drop me off over by all those people. I think I can do something about this. While I have them busy you go into the other side of the building, find *shy girl* and get her out. Then come back around pick me up. I might be running.”
So they drove past the crowded side and I kinda hopped out of the van as it slowed down, and all the angry teens saw me, and I didn’t say anything I just started walking though them. I knew they were all set to attack someone, so it might as well be me. I could keep them occupied.
The first one ran at me and BOOM, Aikido throw. And the next. And the next. It was very gentle. I just grabbed a wrist here, and arm there, and sat them down on the grass. They looked up at me kinda stunned.
I just kept on at a waking pace through the crowd, throw after throw, one after another. It was really hard to keep it up, and I am not very experienced so sometimes it was difficult. I kept saying, “Have you had enough? I have. I’ll stop when you do. I don’t want to fight.” There were at least 40 people.
After a while things slowed down and they were kind of avoiding me, in shock.
My friends swung around and picked me up in the van and we got outta there.
Then I was at school, and suddenly hearing rumors about a big fight, and that I had “beat up a bunch of people”. My heart sank and I knew I was gonna get expelled for violent behavior. Everyone was treating me oddly now that the whole school had heard I “started a big fight and beat up people”.
I spent the whole day being very quiet, and proving to people who asked that what I had used was gentle and defensive and that I had actually been careful not to harm anyone. Then I felt I had to confess to Sensei all the details of what had happened, and that I had used Aikido in such a manner.
I was so mortified he would disapprove and tell me I had misused it. I was also very afraid he’d have already heard one of his students had “instigated a big fight and beaten a bunch of people up”, and would be upset and ashamed of me.
At practice, in front of everyone, I made a formal bowed apology for all the disturbance I had been central in, and explained the entire thing as honestly as I could. I don’t know if Sensei was upset, because then the dream shifted and I’ll never know what he though.
And all that was last night.
A Bowl of Mushrooms, or weird cravings.
Content warning: Post contains discussion of slight food related/eating disorder type issues.
My relationship with food is… It’s Complicated.
Food is my Drug, Let’s be honest. Half of what I eat is all about the euphoric high I get from having taste explosion experiences with anything tasty that I eat. I am autistic and in my case that’s why I have tastebuds in severe overdrive and a sensory neural system that is always turned up to 11. When something as common as Food evokes that sort of response, it’s a setup for serious hangups, issues, associations, complexes and neuroses about and around Food. It’s not something one can avoid, so I have to find ways to deal with Food and Eating more healthfully.
To try to get round that, and to eat a bit better, I’ve managed to work out a system where if something is moderately healthy, and I suddenly crave it, I eat it. If something is refined-sugary or exceedingly caloric, and I still crave it, I eat a little of it. That way I don’t ever feel deprived and binge. (in theory. Pizza is still a bit of a problem. ehehehehe)
A lot of people eat this way, they call it “Mindful Eating” or something. I try not to feel guilty about what I eat, but just to eat some of whatever my body thinks it needs, and not too much of any one thing, and to stop eating once I am almost full.
The theory is that body often knows what it needs if you get good at listening. Most sugar cravings are actually me being thirsty, for example.
One time I bought armloads of squash and cooked it all in a single week.
Another time it was bananas. I must have been short for potassium, because I was strolling along with my grocery list and cart when my nose caught a whiff of bananas and wrenched me around in the supermarket aisle and dragged me to the curved fruits section of the Produce Corner, screaming inside my head, “THAT! WE NEED THAT! BUY US THOSE SO WE CAN EAT THEM.”
Whenever I am working my poor sickly muscles back through phys therapy and into health, I get a serious craving for certain types of meat. Dark meat Chicken, beef, shrimp, anything with oils. I think my body needs that to rebuild. So I eat it.
Which leads to Mushrooms.
What the heel is in mushrooms? Is it potassium? Some vitamin? Why can’t I get enough mushrooms? Portabello, if that makes any difference.
My relationship with food is… It’s Complicated.
Food is my Drug, Let’s be honest. Half of what I eat is all about the euphoric high I get from having taste explosion experiences with anything tasty that I eat. I am autistic and in my case that’s why I have tastebuds in severe overdrive and a sensory neural system that is always turned up to 11. When something as common as Food evokes that sort of response, it’s a setup for serious hangups, issues, associations, complexes and neuroses about and around Food. It’s not something one can avoid, so I have to find ways to deal with Food and Eating more healthfully.
To try to get round that, and to eat a bit better, I’ve managed to work out a system where if something is moderately healthy, and I suddenly crave it, I eat it. If something is refined-sugary or exceedingly caloric, and I still crave it, I eat a little of it. That way I don’t ever feel deprived and binge. (in theory. Pizza is still a bit of a problem. ehehehehe)
A lot of people eat this way, they call it “Mindful Eating” or something. I try not to feel guilty about what I eat, but just to eat some of whatever my body thinks it needs, and not too much of any one thing, and to stop eating once I am almost full.
The theory is that body often knows what it needs if you get good at listening. Most sugar cravings are actually me being thirsty, for example.
One time I bought armloads of squash and cooked it all in a single week.
Another time it was bananas. I must have been short for potassium, because I was strolling along with my grocery list and cart when my nose caught a whiff of bananas and wrenched me around in the supermarket aisle and dragged me to the curved fruits section of the Produce Corner, screaming inside my head, “THAT! WE NEED THAT! BUY US THOSE SO WE CAN EAT THEM.”
Whenever I am working my poor sickly muscles back through phys therapy and into health, I get a serious craving for certain types of meat. Dark meat Chicken, beef, shrimp, anything with oils. I think my body needs that to rebuild. So I eat it.
Which leads to Mushrooms.
What the heel is in mushrooms? Is it potassium? Some vitamin? Why can’t I get enough mushrooms? Portabello, if that makes any difference.
"So what do you do for fun?"
You go about thinking, “Yeah, I’m pretty normal, as people go,” until someone asks you what you do for fun…
“Er, well, I shoot a longbow, because I’m training to be a Combat Archer… er, in this Medieval Reenactment Society… Er, and I sculpt articulated art dolls… Um, and I sew things- I’m working on an art quilt for this Native American project I want to do for my tribe…. Why are you looking at me like that?”
Then they’re figuring, Oh, she has weird hobbies, but surely her JOB is normal rite?
“Well, a couple summers ago I was mostly making baskets, we needed like a hundred baskets for a market scene and they found out I could make them so I just sat and tied baskets for like two months, and after that I’ve been mostly either sewing or carving styrene foam.”
..”Styrene…?”
“Yeah, you know, Styrofoam ™. We carve it. Then the other department sculptors put cement over it and paint it and we have faux stone- we’ve been doing this city set with a lot of stone, and I cannot get the foam out of my hair or my set clothes…. You’re giving me that look again.”
“Er, well, I shoot a longbow, because I’m training to be a Combat Archer… er, in this Medieval Reenactment Society… Er, and I sculpt articulated art dolls… Um, and I sew things- I’m working on an art quilt for this Native American project I want to do for my tribe…. Why are you looking at me like that?”
Then they’re figuring, Oh, she has weird hobbies, but surely her JOB is normal rite?
“Well, a couple summers ago I was mostly making baskets, we needed like a hundred baskets for a market scene and they found out I could make them so I just sat and tied baskets for like two months, and after that I’ve been mostly either sewing or carving styrene foam.”
..”Styrene…?”
“Yeah, you know, Styrofoam ™. We carve it. Then the other department sculptors put cement over it and paint it and we have faux stone- we’ve been doing this city set with a lot of stone, and I cannot get the foam out of my hair or my set clothes…. You’re giving me that look again.”
"You must be VERY High Functioning!" AUGH.
Okay I just had this discussion (but in much more diplomatic and polite terms)
with a medical professional
AGAIN.*
And No, they do not Know Better either, so lemme clear this up for yall.
Stop telling autistic people they are “Sooo High Functioning!” with this congratulatory grin,
like you think it’s some kind of compliment that you, a layperson without knowledge of autism, cannot magically “tell” an autistic person from anyone else. Autism has no physical markers.
Look by this year and time, we most of us know why it would be bad to say, upon meeting someone who is a racial minority,
“Oh, wow, You’re *race*? I couldn’t even tell! You must be VERY educated! you’re so.. articulate!”
That is how you sound.
That is how you sound.
That is how you sound when you try to compliment autistic people by saying, “Ooh you’re so high functioning!”
You sound like a Granny saying, “Oh Dearie I couldn’t even tell you was Colored! You’re so well spoken and hardworking!”
You say those things and what we hear is “Oh you’re almost a real human being like me! You hid your nasty, nasty disadvantage sooo well! Congratulations, I couldn’t even tell you were so subhuman!”
We’re not hiding anything and we’re not happy with your insinuations that we ought to, or with your hints that it’s sooo nice we are Almost Real People Like You.
*
I have met, in an entire lifetime of interacting with Medical professionals, exactly ONE who knew any actual facts about Autism and did not instantly, well-meaningly, try to“compliment” me with patronizing nonsense learned from Autism Speaks billboards.
One.
And I have a series of medical problems meaning I’ve got a kind of networked team of pros that changes every time I move.
Psychiatrists & psychologists sometimes know a little about autism.
Medical professionals generally can be expected to know worse than nothing. (yes I consider misinformation and patronization to be worse. The only plus is that they DO know vaccines cannot cause autism.)
I realize they are not in the mental health field but it might behoove the colleges and courses to take a few weeks of medical schooling to cover some common disabilities and conditions, and how NOT to talk to people who are/have them! *facepalm*
with a medical professional
AGAIN.*
And No, they do not Know Better either, so lemme clear this up for yall.
Stop telling autistic people they are “Sooo High Functioning!” with this congratulatory grin,
like you think it’s some kind of compliment that you, a layperson without knowledge of autism, cannot magically “tell” an autistic person from anyone else. Autism has no physical markers.
Look by this year and time, we most of us know why it would be bad to say, upon meeting someone who is a racial minority,
“Oh, wow, You’re *race*? I couldn’t even tell! You must be VERY educated! you’re so.. articulate!”
That is how you sound.
That is how you sound.
That is how you sound when you try to compliment autistic people by saying, “Ooh you’re so high functioning!”
You sound like a Granny saying, “Oh Dearie I couldn’t even tell you was Colored! You’re so well spoken and hardworking!”
You say those things and what we hear is “Oh you’re almost a real human being like me! You hid your nasty, nasty disadvantage sooo well! Congratulations, I couldn’t even tell you were so subhuman!”
We’re not hiding anything and we’re not happy with your insinuations that we ought to, or with your hints that it’s sooo nice we are Almost Real People Like You.
*
I have met, in an entire lifetime of interacting with Medical professionals, exactly ONE who knew any actual facts about Autism and did not instantly, well-meaningly, try to“compliment” me with patronizing nonsense learned from Autism Speaks billboards.
One.
And I have a series of medical problems meaning I’ve got a kind of networked team of pros that changes every time I move.
Psychiatrists & psychologists sometimes know a little about autism.
Medical professionals generally can be expected to know worse than nothing. (yes I consider misinformation and patronization to be worse. The only plus is that they DO know vaccines cannot cause autism.)
I realize they are not in the mental health field but it might behoove the colleges and courses to take a few weeks of medical schooling to cover some common disabilities and conditions, and how NOT to talk to people who are/have them! *facepalm*
Had enough of your guff, Pinterest.
Look it has been only a year since I was diagnosed as rather severely Gluten Intolerant. I “pin” only certain foods
for a very good reason.
You do not shove a former addict’s addiction in their face
when consuming it could seriously sicken them for months
And they are doing their best to avoid even looking at things that trigger that WANT IT NEED IT addict’s ‘need-surge’
AND THEN YOU COME ALONG WITH YOUR CINNAMON ROLL “PICKED FOR YOU” PINS.
SCREW YOU PINTEREST. GO STEP ON A LEGO YOU HEARTLESS A.I.
for a very good reason.
You do not shove a former addict’s addiction in their face
when consuming it could seriously sicken them for months
And they are doing their best to avoid even looking at things that trigger that WANT IT NEED IT addict’s ‘need-surge’
AND THEN YOU COME ALONG WITH YOUR CINNAMON ROLL “PICKED FOR YOU” PINS.
SCREW YOU PINTEREST. GO STEP ON A LEGO YOU HEARTLESS A.I.
Stranger in a strange land... with weird weeds.
Up to my elbows in Purslane, Mallow, Timothy, Dandelions and
Bindweed. And then the absolute scent-bomb that is the lurking Morel
mushroom.
Gardens and weeds in this biome are an entire new world to me.
Update:
Also, I am severely allergic to Timothy Grass and should not attempt to weed my own yard no matter how much energy I have that day.
*hackhurkasthmaticcough* See this is why hunting and gathering is my ancestral WAY. I am not made for gardening
Gardens and weeds in this biome are an entire new world to me.
Update:
Also, I am severely allergic to Timothy Grass and should not attempt to weed my own yard no matter how much energy I have that day.
*hackhurkasthmaticcough* See this is why hunting and gathering is my ancestral WAY. I am not made for gardening
A bad combination of cicumstances- silly lil rant
You know what’s fun?
1. I often sleep with my window open so fresh air can circulate. (second story, steel mesh screened, it’s perfectly safe to do this.)
2. I live in a Suburban Wonderland of a town where people frequently barbecue, burn leaves, roast smores, and generally use fire to do quaint Americana Norman-Rockwell Painting type activities.
3. It’s also an area with a college nearby so they do these things at any ol’ hour of the night because Studying is Hard and life is short, and our sleep schedules are shot anyway.
4. I have a new “Fire and CO detector” that is a fragile orchid of delicacy when it comes to any kind of smoke that is NOT matches. If you light candles and wave the match around, it’ll ignore that. Anything else within about 1,000 feet of this thing will make it start screaming.
Now, when all these things line up just so, it creates a hellish Venn diagram of, “Let’s wake her up at one in the morning with the fear that her lil’ home is ON FIRE, she’ll like that!!”
because the fragile and delicate orchid that is my fire alarm,
which, remember, ignores actual wood smoke in the house,
Is picking up traces of smoke on the wind coming in my window.
*facepalm*
1. I often sleep with my window open so fresh air can circulate. (second story, steel mesh screened, it’s perfectly safe to do this.)
2. I live in a Suburban Wonderland of a town where people frequently barbecue, burn leaves, roast smores, and generally use fire to do quaint Americana Norman-Rockwell Painting type activities.
3. It’s also an area with a college nearby so they do these things at any ol’ hour of the night because Studying is Hard and life is short, and our sleep schedules are shot anyway.
4. I have a new “Fire and CO detector” that is a fragile orchid of delicacy when it comes to any kind of smoke that is NOT matches. If you light candles and wave the match around, it’ll ignore that. Anything else within about 1,000 feet of this thing will make it start screaming.
Now, when all these things line up just so, it creates a hellish Venn diagram of, “Let’s wake her up at one in the morning with the fear that her lil’ home is ON FIRE, she’ll like that!!”
because the fragile and delicate orchid that is my fire alarm,
which, remember, ignores actual wood smoke in the house,
Is picking up traces of smoke on the wind coming in my window.
*facepalm*
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Chronic Conditions- I don't have to "Overcome" every "Trial"
Whenever the subject of a "trial" or chronic illness or condition comes up, the popular reaction is:
“You need to fight this!”
Uh, no I don’t.
I won’t let it run my life but I’m not going to spend every day fighting.
That’s ridiculous. No one can do that.
There is no point in doing that, except to satisfy some expectation you have of me that I should get rid of this thing because it is uninvited, or because it is disliked by you.
I am going to go on with my life, in the way dictated by my conscience, and It will not go away. It is part of my lot in life. I accept it.
I have things to do, if you don’t mind, and my Life is for Living. I do not have time to “Fight This.” I have to go do things now. My work will not do itself.
“You need to fight this!”
Uh, no I don’t.
I won’t let it run my life but I’m not going to spend every day fighting.
That’s ridiculous. No one can do that.
There is no point in doing that, except to satisfy some expectation you have of me that I should get rid of this thing because it is uninvited, or because it is disliked by you.
I am going to go on with my life, in the way dictated by my conscience, and It will not go away. It is part of my lot in life. I accept it.
I have things to do, if you don’t mind, and my Life is for Living. I do not have time to “Fight This.” I have to go do things now. My work will not do itself.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Zen and Moments
A friend asked me,"Do you think more goals come along after achieving hyper-focused goals we've had for years? I've been chasing my goals so long that I literally do not know what I would do once I achieve these goals. I'm like a dog chasing cars- what would I ever do if I caught one?"
Did you see the Disney film Tangled? We’re like Rapunzel. She had a dream to go see the lights. Along that journey, her experiences stacked up and built her into a new person, so that once she had seen the lights, she realized that seeking that goal had led her to a new goal.
You cannot make a new joy the one thing you set up to seek. A boy dreams of becoming a pilot but when he goes to flight school he finds out it is hard work. He perseveres because he wants to fly. When he does get his dream, he enjoys it for quite some time, and he always does enjoy it, but the novelty does wear off a little. Suddenly he discovers photography and uses his plane for aerial shots. He has a new dream to pursue.
To Seek Joy makes Joy a noun, a thing we can attain or lose. To Enjoy is a verb- it’s a thing we can keep doing over and over again. I think we can have more Joy in Verbs than in Nouns. I mean: A Thing is passing- Doing is continual.
A man and a woman fall blissfully in love and decide to get married. One morning she wakes up and realizes she no longer feels that “old thrill” about him, and she doesn’t feel the way she did when she married him. She is not “In Love”, but she thinks about how they care for each other, and decides she still loves him, and that she will continue to. She realizes Love as a Noun is a thing you can lose, but To Love as a Verb is something she can do. She talks to her husband, and he agrees- that “spark” is gone, but as they say, nothing lasts.. Should they quit their marriage because they lost a thing they had? They decide instead to find new “sparks.” They take a road trip together, do new activities, spend time together, and discover new ways they can love each other. They spend over 50 years discovering Loving as a Verb, discovering ever new horizons of caring and connection.
People who try to make one pivotal experience last forever and be their true satisfaction are often unhappy because they are trying to make a moment last forever. The true value of those moments is that they are rare and precious- that they do not last. Instead of despairing because we cannot make a moment last, we might find more joy in just savoring the moment. As we savor it, it becomes part of us, and even when it is over, we have it always.
Every joy we do not try to prolong artificially leads us to new joys.
What we grasp and cling at, we lose- what we let go of, we find we can keep forever.
Did you see the Disney film Tangled? We’re like Rapunzel. She had a dream to go see the lights. Along that journey, her experiences stacked up and built her into a new person, so that once she had seen the lights, she realized that seeking that goal had led her to a new goal.
You cannot make a new joy the one thing you set up to seek. A boy dreams of becoming a pilot but when he goes to flight school he finds out it is hard work. He perseveres because he wants to fly. When he does get his dream, he enjoys it for quite some time, and he always does enjoy it, but the novelty does wear off a little. Suddenly he discovers photography and uses his plane for aerial shots. He has a new dream to pursue.
To Seek Joy makes Joy a noun, a thing we can attain or lose. To Enjoy is a verb- it’s a thing we can keep doing over and over again. I think we can have more Joy in Verbs than in Nouns. I mean: A Thing is passing- Doing is continual.
A man and a woman fall blissfully in love and decide to get married. One morning she wakes up and realizes she no longer feels that “old thrill” about him, and she doesn’t feel the way she did when she married him. She is not “In Love”, but she thinks about how they care for each other, and decides she still loves him, and that she will continue to. She realizes Love as a Noun is a thing you can lose, but To Love as a Verb is something she can do. She talks to her husband, and he agrees- that “spark” is gone, but as they say, nothing lasts.. Should they quit their marriage because they lost a thing they had? They decide instead to find new “sparks.” They take a road trip together, do new activities, spend time together, and discover new ways they can love each other. They spend over 50 years discovering Loving as a Verb, discovering ever new horizons of caring and connection.
People who try to make one pivotal experience last forever and be their true satisfaction are often unhappy because they are trying to make a moment last forever. The true value of those moments is that they are rare and precious- that they do not last. Instead of despairing because we cannot make a moment last, we might find more joy in just savoring the moment. As we savor it, it becomes part of us, and even when it is over, we have it always.
Every joy we do not try to prolong artificially leads us to new joys.
What we grasp and cling at, we lose- what we let go of, we find we can keep forever.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
On Religious Dissent
A guide is leading a group of travelers along a treacherous mountain range. Luckily, there is a safe road he is following, and he knows the road well. Following it has kept the entire group of travelers safe from all kinds of perils they can see around them as they go.
One person steps off the road and wanders along to the side.
When the Guide calls them to come back, the person says, "I want to go this way. Why doesn't the road go this way? The view over here is much nicer. I like it better."
The Guide replies, "I know this road, and it just doesn't go that way. You should come back."
The person who has left the road insists, "This way is better! Make the road go this way! You're the guide, aren't you?"
The Guide shakes his head and answers, "Yes, but I am not the One who built this Road. You will have to apply to Him if you think it should be changed."
The person stamps a foot. "No! I want to go this way! He'll just tell me to keep following you!"
The Guide holds out a hand, inviting. "Very probably. I trust He knew what He was doing when he laid this road."
One person steps off the road and wanders along to the side.
When the Guide calls them to come back, the person says, "I want to go this way. Why doesn't the road go this way? The view over here is much nicer. I like it better."
The Guide replies, "I know this road, and it just doesn't go that way. You should come back."
The person who has left the road insists, "This way is better! Make the road go this way! You're the guide, aren't you?"
The Guide shakes his head and answers, "Yes, but I am not the One who built this Road. You will have to apply to Him if you think it should be changed."
The person stamps a foot. "No! I want to go this way! He'll just tell me to keep following you!"
The Guide holds out a hand, inviting. "Very probably. I trust He knew what He was doing when he laid this road."
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Martial Arts: Why I don't Kiap
A Kiai or Kiap is a shout you traditionally make in martial arts in order to give your motions more power, draw a bit more energy into your movements, distract the opponent or just focus your mind. However, I do not hardly ever use them. Most people will be awkward using them because they feel like it's embarrassing or sounds silly. There are lots of people who feel uncomfortable making those weird sounds.
I have “problems” with this myself, but for other reasons. I can either focus on making a noise, or I can focus on what I am doing. I cannot seem to do both. I hate making loud random noises.
Probably because I really hate loud random noises. And I call it “problems” because it isn’t something I am choosing to “fix”.
Being Autistic impacts martial arts study in so many ways. I have serious hypersensitivity that means sharp loud noises hurt me. I have a problem with my flight or fight response that makes me seriously hate being startled. I don’t like the sensation of being slapped in the ear that a sharp noise gives, and I don’t like it when people shout near or at me.
Being autistic, I spent most of my life smiling when people tell me to smile, saying what society tells me to say, moving the way I am supposed to move, laughing when I’m supposed to laugh, speaking when I’m supposed to speak. Say this. Now say that. Say this to her. Say that to him. Good girl. Good girl says what she is supposed to say. Say the words.
Life has been about doing things that cause me distress, fear or pain because they are little gestures other people will appreciate. Shaking hands when my hands are easily hurt. Hugging when I can’t stand to be touched and panic to be trapped against someone else. Clapping on days when sharp noises hurt. Every day I do something or many things that are upsetting for me because it’s what other people expect of me. Ever since my family has become more aware of this, they appreciate when I put myself through things that are painful for me, like concert performances, in order to show support for them the same way other people would. They support me through my problems with these things and are deeply grateful when they can see I am doing something difficult for me in order to show my love for them.
So: I hope people can see that it’s more than just me being stubborn when I say I will not shout just because it is traditional or helpful *to everyone else* to shout.
I am not like everyone else. That’s the truth of the matter. I am not going to pretend that I am. I am an exception. I accept that. It doesn’t make me better or more “special” than anyone else, but I am DONE pretending I am like everyone else.
(Insert commenter with well-meaning “everybody is different” speech here, rebutted by actual diagnosis and brain scans, and moving on. Autistic people are people but they are not Like Everyone Else in some very significant ways. It’s just the scientific truth.)
Martial arts, for me, is about me finally being the one who is deciding what my body does and what I do. It’s about me deciding, for once in my life, when I will speak and when I will be silent.
Until forced, I will not shout. I decide now when I make the obligatory gesture which pleases others but causes me pain, and when I do what is safe, comfortable and right for me.
So if someone you train with will not shout, see if they are comfortable telling you why. Maybe they have a reason about shyness, or things they’ve been through, or they worry about looking foolish. Or maybe they are like me, making a choice because they have finally learned how to own their bodies and choose for themselves whether they will do a thing that is painful to them.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
walkies
I love my dog…. but I love my bed. But I love my dog more.
She needs walkies. I treasure our walkies together. But but butbutbut…. BED. Augh I did not get enough sleep.
Come, fluffy cute thing, we shall walk together.
And so you know what I mean, this is the dog in question:
I mean how could you not want to play with her forever?
Maddie is a 15 yr old American Eskimo Dog, which is a German breed formerly known as Spitz. Their name got changed when we went to war with Germany. The breed has less than nothing to do with the Inuit people.
She is 15, yes. Years, not months. Her breed looks like a Samoyed puppy their whole lives. It’s stinking adorable.
Her closest relatives are the other Spitz dogs of NW Europe, like the Pomeranian, the Schipperke, the Finnish Spitz and the Samoyed. If you’ve ever wanted a Husky/sled dog breed, but do not want 80 + lbs of powerful adult sled dog, the Eskie is a good bet. Just be ready for being very firmly The Boss of The Dog or they will turn into a nasty lil’ tyrant, and for OH CRAP THAT’S A LOT OF FUR.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Minor epiphanies (warning, sexually motivated violence discussed)
I kind of gave another Martial Arts friend, who is Male, a minor epiphany earlier this last year.
"Look, there is a difference: How and Why a statistically probable attacker comes at you ( A Male) is not going to be the same as how and why he comes at me ( A Female).
Statistically, if a guy attacks you, he’ll be some dude you don’t know, and it’s because he wants to start a fight- It’s a male dominance thing. There’ll be a bit of posturing and he’ll do the come at me bro thing, or he’ll be telling you to give him your wallet.
On the other hand, statistically, when I (female) am attacked it will be someone I know and it will be sexually motivated. He won’t be aiming primarily to damage me or take my money, he’ll be aiming to drag me somewhere, control my body position and ability to escape, and try to touch or rape me, then probably murder me to keep me from talking.
The techniques I use are learned with this mindset. You’re defending your wallet and your ribs and face. I am defending my body and my Being from violation. A guy who grabs you wants to hit you a few times and take your stuff. A guy who grabs me, I have to assume, is there for rape and murder, in that order.”
He’d never considered that before.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Getting crap done with Depression
Some of the people who follow me might find this useful.
With Clinical Depression, you’re not sad exactly. Your feelings are BROKE. They don’t work properly. Now we are conditioned in this modern world and in “western” culture to let our FEEEEEEELINGS rule our lives.
"Do what feelz right!" "You gotta feel it!" "I just wasn’t feeling it today, so I didn’t do that thing I was supposed to." "I know, it I just feel it!"
So what do we do when our feelings are medically borked? What other people in many cultures, including our own in the past, used to do or have been doing- they had other motivations. Duty, family honor, personal decisions, or just the fact that there’s no one else gonna do stuff for you, so you Get Sh^# Done. Necessity is the Mother of Holy Crap Look What I Did.
One of my favorite book series is Terry Pratchett’s Discworld, and his characters often get told by each other, “Get past ‘I Can’t’!”
I am not saying that some kind of positive thinking crap will make the depression go away. It probably won’t. But what it will do is get you moving, even without happy feelings, it will get you to go do that crap. Kick the day in the teeth even if it’s just, Hey, I got up, I showered, I put on clothing and went to my class. Like a boss. Now I am doing my homework. And now I am going to rest, take a hot bath and watch netflix until bedtime because I did hard things today.
This is how I narrate to myself when I know my feelings are not being helpful. I look right at what is in front of me, and make my hands just do it.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Microexpressions
I’m autistic. I have a special fascination with body language and facial expressions, and I am not often very good at reading people i am directly interacting with but I can read people I am watching like they are a book, and people have been telling me for ages that the best strength in my art is my handling of expressions. It’s the difference between Observation and Application. I try to use my observational knowledge as applied knowledge, and I have learned something amazing and kind of awful.
One of the most bleakly horrible things
you can possibly learn as a skill
is how to tell a real smile
from a false one.
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