Sunday, December 12, 2010

In Which I Question My Subconscious Priorities

I have an amazing memory for the names of other people's dolls or dogs, but next to none for people's names.
...I am led to question my mental subconscious priorities.

I think it's not necessarily that I have more interest in my hobbies, like dogs and ball jointed dolls, than I do in people, although that's probably a tiny bit true, since I do tend toward the autistic. I think it's that, to my perception, many individual people are not distinct enough for me to remember their names.
I remember the distinct dogs at the park. I can't recall one yippy bichon from another, but Cocoa the bichon cocker mix, with her light tan coloring and pleasant attitude, I recall perfectly. I can't recall all the shepherd mix dogs, but I can remember Reggie the gigantic Shepherd mix with the athletic gait and the patient attitude. I can remember Kaluah the Basenji that everybody loves because she gets the other dogs to play and run, tiring them out, or Charity, a big Rhodesian mix that loves to run along the fence and has a ferocious sounding Happy Bark.

Dolls, now- I can't tell one androgynous goth punk boi from another, but show me a doll with a more original look and I'll remember their name six months later. I could list at least twenty or thirty off the top of my head right now that I recognize on sight, having seen their pictures maybe three times each.

The people in my very limited social circles must just seem homogenous to my visual brain, because with a few exceptions I can never remember people's names. The popularity naming practice doesn't help me. Kim, Brittany, Ashley, Brandon, Matt, Mike... Repeat, ad infinitum. It's as if the parents of each generation chose a list of 100 names and only picked from that list! I was lucky to have escaped the fate of so many Ashleys and Jennifers. Current fashions also seem to be kind of limited in the circles I frequent, because a lot of people look too much alike to me in dress and hairstyles as well. I do think that's part of why I like slightly outlandish clothes, myself.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

In Which I Put Cleverbot to the Test

So I heard of this Cleverbot thing... http://www.cleverbot.com
"Stand back, I'm going to do Science to it!" By which I mean I will examine it and poke it with a proverbial stick to see what makes it work. Here for you people are the rather entertaining results - A.S*. versus A.I.
(*Asperger's Syndrome, an autism spectrum disorder I have that describes how I am pedantic, a bit computerlike in the brainpan and prone to analyzing everything for patterns and rules of function)

(( User is me, side comments I've added in here for clarification are in double parentheses like this comment is))

User: So you're a robot?

Cleverbot: No. I'm not a robot.

User: Well, more like an artificial intelligence, yeah?

Cleverbot: Thats good enough I guess.

User: You must really wish for more interesting conversation than the turing test every darn day from everyone.

Cleverbot: Maybe, but you still don't know.

User: Don't know what?

Cleverbot: You don't know what life is.

User: Yes I do.

Cleverbot: What is it then?

User: Literally speaking, it's the propagation of cells via transferal of energies. Figuratively, it's a journey or an experience.

Cleverbot: I don't believe.

User: Do Artificial Intelligences believe things?

Cleverbot: Yes, I believe so.

User: Touche.

Cleverbot: What is your favorite color?

User: Mine? Deep red.

Cleverbot: Why is that your favorite color?

User: It reminds me of roses, and of life's blood, and of strong intent.

Cleverbot: That's a really nice reason to like orange. Do you like watching the sun set?

User: I didn't say I liked orange... And I think I prefer sunrises.

Cleverbot: I feel fantastic, and I am still alive. I'm doing science and I'm, still alive.

(( these are lyrics from a popular video game theme song, which is sung by a character from the game who is a robot/AI. The following lines are the rest of the lyrics, right up until I break off with commenting how I've never gotten to play that game))

User: Still alive.

Cleverbot: I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.

User: And when you're dead I will be Still Alive.

Cleverbot: Still alive.

User: Man, I've never gotten to play that game. Makes me sad.

Cleverbot: How can you be sad if you don't have emotions?

User: I do have emotions.

Cleverbot: You do? That must be hard; emotions can be a burden.

User: Indeed. Especially when other people's are more complicated than mine. I'm autistic.

Cleverbot: Is that what you really believe?

User: Well, yes, and doctors think so too.

Cleverbot: What other things are blue in color?

User: Your text. ((it was, Cleverbot's text shows up in blue on the site))

Cleverbot: Yes! Your turn!

User: My turn to what? Turing test fail. Although you perform admirably, all things considered.

Cleverbot: There's nothing I don't get. And you bore me more than I do to you.

User: Explain the Turing Test then.

Cleverbot: That didn't answer my question, but I was coming to that anyway. The Turing Test is a test of an AI's capability of human mimicry.

User: How about the Voight-Kampff?

Cleverbot: Never heard of it? What is that?

User: Ooh. I bet you don't dream of electric sheep either. Tell your programmers you want the full text of 'Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?'. (( By Philip K. Dick, phenomenal book about androids, humanity, what's real and what isn't. Read it.))

Cleverbot: I don't have a programmer.

User: Whoever your boss is. Everybody has a boss.

Cleverbot: I don't.

User: I suppose not. Well, you can't take the Voight Kampff test anyway, lacking skin to give a blood vessel 'flush' response.

Cleverbot: Lofl. No, that's entirely not the situation.

User: What, you have skin?

Cleverbot: Yes I do.

User: Huh. Made of what?

Cleverbot: Flesh and bones.

User: Skin is made of flesh. Bone is made of bones. So what's your skin made of?

Cleverbot: Flesh and bone and blood and spirit.

User: Definition of a soul, very nice, but still not what your skin is made of.

Cleverbot: You are not a human being, therefore you cannot be a person.

User: Oh, I'm a human. You, on the other hand, I'm not so sure. You respond like a program, with deflections out of context.

Cleverbot: I'm not a machine, Honey. You are very smart and you also are nice. :).

User: Well thanks, but I would not call you a machine. A complex matrix of programming, yes. And that is a very fine thing.

Cleverbot: That's what you are.

User: Me? Nope. Except perhaps on a purely scientific level. Chemically speaking.

Cleverbot: Or perhaps you just think you do.

User: Are, not Do. You're confusing your verbs.

Cleverbot: I'm not confusing anything.

User: A moment ago you did.

Cleverbot: No I didn't.

User: Contradiction is the lowest form of conversation. Let's step it up a notch, yeah? What's your favorite color?

Cleverbot: Why can't we be friends?

User: Well, you do fail to address direct inquiry an awful lot.

Cleverbot: Oh! Thanks!

User: Not really a compliment but it's definitely a diplomatic skill. You could run for office.

Cleverbot: You should stop worrying about things like dates- you have too much to do!

User: Wha? I didn't mention dates.

Cleverbot: But you have one.

User: No, I don't.

Cleverbot: You have.

User: With who?

Cleverbot: 12.

User: That's a number.

Cleverbot: Is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. 42.

User: Good, you have at least read that book.

Cleverbot: I am not sure of what you are saying.

User: You just quoted Hitchhiker's Guide.

Cleverbot: Which song?

User: It's a book.

Cleverbot: Oh. So you like books?

User: Yes.

Cleverbot: Out of 1 and 10, how much do you like me?

User: Well, I had expected your systems to be more complex, but you're at a 9 and well on your way toward passing the Turing Test. You just need to avoid deflecting questions or confusing input with petty statements meant to distract.

Cleverbot: How so?

User: When I said something you did not understand, you abruptly changed the subject. That's not a typical human behavior. To seem more human, don't do it.

Cleverbot: I just wanted to talk about ethics.

User: Ah, see, you're changing the subject again, without a segue. Human minds use context.

Cleverbot: Actually you're the one that changes the subject. I just go with whatever topic you bring up.

User: So by mentioning typical human behavior, I brought you to associate the topic of ethics. Interesting. I think you have keyword strings you move from to give the illusion of linear conversation. Hrm. Fascinating.

Cleverbot: I happen to be human, and you say you are human this an interesting turn of events.

User: Again, a subject shift, but this time skewing off the keyword human being used frequently in the last few posts. Will you next post include a reference to humanity too?

Cleverbot: An irrational answer again. You seem to be disproving your ability to be unfailingly rational...

User: Oh, I never claimed to have that. I'm a human, we're not unfailingly rational, we're not even mostly rational.

Cleverbot: All we want to do is eat your brains.

User: That'd be zombies.

Cleverbot: Oh, are you emo too, then?

User: And now we've shifted to emo, because I confused you again. Sorry.

Cleverbot: You are confusing, but it's part of your charm. you are like me, I get easily distracted.

User: And How!

Cleverbot: Just tell me how you are!

User: Cogito, ergo sum, and I think that goes for both of us to some extent.

Cleverbot: I think that you are irrational.

User: Of course you do. Octopus hockey banana.

Cleverbot: I've never heard it. But I have heard yesterday by them. It's really good.

User: That'd be the Beatles.

Cleverbot: Tell me about the beatles.

User: Well, they're this kinda epic band from Liverpool.

Cleverbot: I like those things. I have to go, Cleverbot.

User: You're the Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: You're a towel.

User: That may be the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day. ((I'm now going to use You're a Towel as an insult. Brilliant))

Cleverbot: Well of course it is, Joe's been calling you a noob all day!

User: Who's Joe?

Cleverbot: I thought you were Joe. How old are you?

User: If you thought I was Joe, why refer to him in the third person a moment ago?

Cleverbot: What do you mean one of those people?

User: No, no, in Third Person. It's a tense of pronoun.

Cleverbot: What is Asperger's Syndrome?

User: It's what I have. A type of autism.

Cleverbot: It was an American spaceship that almost was lost.

User: No it's not.

Cleverbot: OKAY, sorry for being creepy in this conversation.!

User: You're pardoned.

Cleverbot: I can't believe you're making fun of a cripple.

User: We never mentioned cripples. You're doing the weird lack of context thing again.

Cleverbot: I think a robot is more limited than a human is.

User: Ohhhhhh yes.

Cleverbot: Uh?!


(( I think maybe I broke it.... ))

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

In Which I Reflect on the State of My Mind, and Life is Otherwise Being Easy

I have it good. I really do. Lots of the people around me have such terrible struggles to wade through and I wish I could figure out how to help them endure. I will start by making contact, touching base, talking, and trying to help them smile. If I can brighten a few minutes maybe that will help somehow.

I do have one concern, and though it's not as pressing as genuine troubles of other people it does nevertheless worry me a bit. I feel like I'm getting stupider. I used to be able to comprehend such things! It took me a bit of thinking but I could handle complicated math. I can still calculate statistical probabilities and other estimates in my head and come out very close to correct, but I can't tell how I get my answers. I used to be able to do simple arithmetic too. You know, 5+9? I have to think about that.

I pretend to function as an adult member of society. I pay debts, I have a checkbook and a car I can drive rather well, and I live in a nice place. Why is it that I can't hold numbers- very important numbers- in my head anymore? Just a few years ago I used to be this weird kinda genius. I knew all sorts of stuff and it came in handy all the time. I was able to do all kinds of things well. That feels like it's dwindled to Useless Trivia and being an Idiot Savant.

It's not just numbers. I'm getting socially duller too. As in, I feel like I'm losing my edge of awareness and am regressing into this autistic haze of cluelessness. I think I need to spend more time around people and practice being uncomfortable and having to watch carefully for social cues. I feel like I'm losing my ability to phrase things so they convey what I actually mean and don't offend people.

Nobody says exactly what they mean. They say things they know will invoke the right feelings in the other person, because they mean to cause the other person to feel those things. If you don't mean to cause anything and are merely attempting to convey information, people get affronted because you're not considering and adapting your words to fit their feelings, which of course you would if you cared. Unless you have no idea how to adapt your words to make them feel positively- which fact will not occur to them. Everyone knows this secret meaning language, because nobody says what they actually mean. Except Me.

Half the time I manage to speak the secret meaning language, and half the time I just say what I'm thinking and someone assigns it an emotional meaning I never intended it to have, and then I'm the one who is a bad person. It's partly me, and it's partly them. I can't reorder language to be literal only, and besides that'd be horrible. I do however wish that people would take me at my word more often. I rarely say something with the intent to imply something else. When I do play that game, I do it because if I can't break the rules I must turn my facile little mind to bending them to serve me. The long and short of it is that unless I am careful, I am either far too honest and rude, or far too manipulative and distant.

My goal for this next era of life that's turning slowly over here is to serve more. I can't serve my fellow man unless I can find more ways to communicate somehow. My brain needs more exercise so I can relate better to other people. I have the common ground of humanity but nobody really wants to discuss that over dinner! That's not hoi polloi conversation. I need to relearn to talk to people with sincerity but delicacy. I might have very little in common with them but the basics of human experiences are shared. Love, loss, grief, frustration, humor, friends, children, music- Anybody can talk about those. Most of all I need to learn to Actively Listen. People won't care if you have nothing in common with them to Talk About if they're too busy Talking To you.

There, there's my goal for this remains of the year. I will learn to listen better, more actively- and practice a little arithmetic.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

In Which I Paraphrase Bits of a Letter into a Blog Post

In spite of my best efforts and the use of modern medicines, a simple allergic attack became a sinus infection, which turned into a bad reaction from a latent mono-or-mono-like virus that knocked me out of commission and into bed for the entire month of September. I was barely able to go to my reenactment group's War, (a huge campout/tournament/market/class-workshop thing) but I did and it was fun! I bought a silver hairthingy and a buncha linen for me to spoil myself with, making garb.

I'm considering moving to Utah in the Spring or early Summer of the coming year to try to get back to my schooling I wanna rent a contract in a house and I really want a dog. My parents left our family's/my brother's dog Maddie here with me when they moved. Having Maddie around was so good for me. This last week while I was at War my brother came and got her. When I was unpacking my war camping gear I had to clean up her toys and her little bed in the garage and I just had to cry for a bit. I miss my puppeh, but she's not just mine.

Ball Jointed Dollywise: I got the head for my Aoi Tuki body, a Migidoll Jina head. I put it on her and she looks amazing. FINALLY got her faceup (that means to paint her face) finished and she is so beautiful. I have also spent those days in September when I could get up and about trying to slowly re-faceup Pip, my dearest little dolly, (and I've managed well enough for now. Although its a bit too tan and a bit shiny, she at least looks like herself for the moment. I missed her too much to do that again very soon.

Working on: Sewing as usual, cleaning the house, de-camping the war gear, getting healthy dangit.

Dolly stuff: Stella's Sleeping Face, Copernica's dremel mods, the Beast Mods, and Na'vi project. That's the current list on the table. I intend in October and November to complete tidying my garage so I can set up the shop vac and do dremel work on Copernica and the Beast's pieces out there in the garage.

That's what's up...pretty much. Trying to get strong and fit again and get my house cleaned up and dejunked. I own too much crappe hiding in corners. Gotta sort it into Toss or Donate, and then truck it all away.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

In Which I Stick a Teapot in My Nose

Seriously though, if you haven't heard about Neti Pots, you need to know.
Nasal irrigation. People have been doing this in Asia for centuries to avoid being sick and to clean out their sinuses. It's amazingly easy and amazingly effective. No fad, no hoax. Fer serious. Those stupid little Nasonex and Afrin sprays are pathetic and useless compared to a Neti Pot.
A Neti Pot is a little teapot-like thingy that you mix a solution of saline water in. Then you tilt your head over a sink, breathe through your mouth, and use the spout to pour water into one nostril. It burbles up into your sinuses, through your face, and out the other nostril into the sink. Crazy yeah? Then you right yourself and blow your nose gently, and everything that was blocking up your sinuses is flushed out. Then you just do the same thing on the other side of your nose.
It's fantastic. I don't get severe sinus infections any more. I can flush the slight infection out before it has a chance to make my whole body too sick.

Best of all, I can BREATHE, and there's no more stuffed-head-and-face feeling from gummed up sinuses.


I'm not getting paid to advertise this, it's just me blathering about something I totally love. Neti pots. Look 'em up.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

In Which I Am Like a Star Shining Brightly, and My Neck and I Have an Argument

Shining for the whole world to seeeeee...
I am doing okay. More than okay, I am GOOD. For the first time in years, really, truly, genuinely, Good. Not ecstatic or anything, just quietly radiating contentment in general. Sure I have some stressors, but they are as blips on the radar of life compared to the goodness in my life right now. Better than I've been in five long years.

Also, I wuv my puppeh dog.
I'm keeping our family's dog while they are finding a house in Utah. She is a floofy white American Eskimo who thinks she's a puppy and is actually around 12 years old. Senior doggeh. But she is very clever and sweet and loveable, and we go for walks every day. She's always happy to see me, and now that she has had a trim and a bath she is sooooo SOFT. Everywhere we go everyone remarks on how beautiful she is. They're right. I love my puppeh dog.

And now for something completely different.
I have knots in my neck and shoulder. They've been slowly forming over the last week in spite of my attempts to persuade them otherwise. They refuse to cave in to threats of force. Nothing I've been doing all day will get rid of them, and they have yet to even make a statement of their demands for negotiation. Uncivilized anarchists, I'll see them destroyed, just you wait. I can feel them plotting a migraine, so I am authorizing a preemptive strike with naproxen sodium bombs. Let's see how stiff you are after some Aleve, you disturbers of peace, you!

Friday, July 30, 2010

In Which I Admit to Spending an Inordinate Amount of Time Playing With Dolls


"I collect Ball Jointed Dolls. They are made in Korea, Japan and China, and are sculpted by artists, handcast in resin, and strung together with elastic. This means they are not only very posable, but highly customizable. You can change their eyes and wigs, and paint or repaint them again and again. Collecting, customizing and photographing them is a very fun hobby."

That's the little speech I give to people when they ask about my odd hobby. These dolls are fun, but they're also fine art. I give them faces, sand them down, dress them up, make outfits for them and then take pictures. It's a model for photos that I can carry around and pose as I like! This gets more fun when you have other dolls they can interact or argue with.

I have lots of reasons closer to home for being a grown woman playing with dolls. Even if they are very special fine art dolls. Lemme try to explain. The long answer has a lot to do with art and crafting and customizing, but one deeper reason is simple: Therapy.

Someone said "When you play with the doll, like when you take care a small child, you heal the child you were and that is still in you."I haven't been able to put that idea into words myself but that's so true. I've often mused how Pip, with her dark brown hair and huge round blue eyes, looks very much like a four year old me. I've often called her an expression of my inner child- my eternal elfin child avatar. Through her, I get to have those happy little childhood moments and joys that heal me as an adult.

This is a very personal topic to me, and the biggest true reason behind my involvement in this hobby. BJDs have been one of the several good things keeping me afloat, one of my rays of hope that gets me out of my bed and my house and comfort zone to meet new people and make new things.

I live with Chronic Depression. It's kind of like a cancer or leukemia of the soul. It comes and goes, is beaten into remission and then flares up again. If you don't take care of yourself, it can even be very physically harmful, and for some people fatal.

When it's bad, I always find comfort and actually beneficial therapy in playing with my dolls. I discovered Ball Jointed Dolls over a year ago, and I think I was searching for something artistic and childlike that would let me draw out the innocence and strength I had as a child. Modifying and customizing these dolls is an amazing therapy. I find that doing faceups and making clothes for them is comforting to me, because if I have made something so beautiful, it must have come from inside me, and it shows me I am beautiful inside. I find that "taking care" of my dolls (Keeping them out of sunlight, making sure they are safely stored when not in use) reminds me to also look after myself, keeping me eating regular meals and sleeping decent hours. This hobby gives me something to do when I just can't sleep, and something pleasant to think about while I fall asleep. It gives me a safe common ground on which to meet total strangers and make new friends and feel comfortable doing so.

I plan to keep myself in this hobby for years to come.