I have it good. I really do. Lots of the people around me have such terrible struggles to wade through and I wish I could figure out how to help them endure. I will start by making contact, touching base, talking, and trying to help them smile. If I can brighten a few minutes maybe that will help somehow.
I do have one concern, and though it's not as pressing as genuine troubles of other people it does nevertheless worry me a bit. I feel like I'm getting stupider. I used to be able to comprehend such things! It took me a bit of thinking but I could handle complicated math. I can still calculate statistical probabilities and other estimates in my head and come out very close to correct, but I can't tell how I get my answers. I used to be able to do simple arithmetic too. You know, 5+9? I have to think about that.
I pretend to function as an adult member of society. I pay debts, I have a checkbook and a car I can drive rather well, and I live in a nice place. Why is it that I can't hold numbers- very important numbers- in my head anymore? Just a few years ago I used to be this weird kinda genius. I knew all sorts of stuff and it came in handy all the time. I was able to do all kinds of things well. That feels like it's dwindled to Useless Trivia and being an Idiot Savant.
It's not just numbers. I'm getting socially duller too. As in, I feel like I'm losing my edge of awareness and am regressing into this autistic haze of cluelessness. I think I need to spend more time around people and practice being uncomfortable and having to watch carefully for social cues. I feel like I'm losing my ability to phrase things so they convey what I actually mean and don't offend people.
Nobody says exactly what they mean. They say things they know will invoke the right feelings in the other person, because they mean to cause the other person to feel those things. If you don't mean to cause anything and are merely attempting to convey information, people get affronted because you're not considering and adapting your words to fit their feelings, which of course you would if you cared. Unless you have no idea how to adapt your words to make them feel positively- which fact will not occur to them. Everyone knows this secret meaning language, because nobody says what they actually mean. Except Me.
Half the time I manage to speak the secret meaning language, and half the time I just say what I'm thinking and someone assigns it an emotional meaning I never intended it to have, and then I'm the one who is a bad person. It's partly me, and it's partly them. I can't reorder language to be literal only, and besides that'd be horrible. I do however wish that people would take me at my word more often. I rarely say something with the intent to imply something else. When I do play that game, I do it because if I can't break the rules I must turn my facile little mind to bending them to serve me. The long and short of it is that unless I am careful, I am either far too honest and rude, or far too manipulative and distant.
My goal for this next era of life that's turning slowly over here is to serve more. I can't serve my fellow man unless I can find more ways to communicate somehow. My brain needs more exercise so I can relate better to other people. I have the common ground of humanity but nobody really wants to discuss that over dinner! That's not hoi polloi conversation. I need to relearn to talk to people with sincerity but delicacy. I might have very little in common with them but the basics of human experiences are shared. Love, loss, grief, frustration, humor, friends, children, music- Anybody can talk about those. Most of all I need to learn to Actively Listen. People won't care if you have nothing in common with them to Talk About if they're too busy Talking To you.
There, there's my goal for this remains of the year. I will learn to listen better, more actively- and practice a little arithmetic.
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