Sunday, September 28, 2014

so much to catch up on. Aikido Journaling/Journey

I have moved house. I started Aikido, and with it an attempt at a full personality revamp. I can't quite manage to describe it to anyone I know, so thus far it is a personal journey. More about that later. Here's my notes:

I haven't got much to journal, since I missed the first class because I had a sudden dental issue I had to take care of that day, and the stuff they use to numb me goes right to my head after a procedure so I had to go straight to bed for the rest of the day. I was very sad, because I've been so looking forward to doing this class, and I can't wait for Tuesday's Club practice.

I did run all over town looking for a place to buy a Gi. (the idea of wearing the borrowed PE shirts really squicks me out.) The only places that sell them are studios who would probably be a bit miffed if you buy their clothes but are not choosing them as your place of study, and the gi would have had their logos on it, which I'd prefer it not to have. I ended up finally ordering one online. Hope I can wash the roughness out of it quickly. I prefer soft clothing if possible. I haven't worn Asian MA gear since my stint at TKD when I was 19.

I've been prepping for class by doing a lot more walking and physical activity this week, really pushing myself. I was very sick the better half of this year and last winter, and I lost a lot of muscle tone. We could not figure out what was wrong with me and all the doctors I went to were stumped. We did scans and tests and everything was normal but I could barely move around. Finally, it turns out I am Non-Celiac Gluten Intolerant. Just a change in diet and I feel better than I have in years! I am recovering, but I still don't have a lot of physical stamina and nearly no capacity for aerobic exercise, so that's what I am working on now.

Fun with Autism and Aikido:
I have a pretty low tolerance for pain or certain sensations. Many autistic people sense emotions and feel physical input at a much higher, very intense level. I hate the feeling of falling very much- ironic, yeah? I am taking this class to help me get over that. It'll help me if I can be warned each time before people touch me, and I need them to be mindful of my especially sensitive wrists and hands, please. 
I can't regulate my body temperature very well, so I might need to wear little grippy socks to help keep my feet warm. 
I have very sensitive hearing, with no sorting filter like most people have. If more than one or two people are talking at once I hear all of it and I can no longer understand much of it, especially in an echoey space, so if I seem a little deaf during group activities, that's why. I may flinch if shouted near, because loud noises can be painful.
I can have a very bad memory for some things, like foreign language vocabulary outside of Latinate languages. Like, worse than a Typical person's bad memory. All I can do with memory drilling may not bring me up to the same vocabulary level as the other students, but I promise to do my very best.
I may have to ask seemingly strange, obvious, or silly questions in order to clarify my understanding of some things. These will never be sarcastic or an attempt to undermine any authority- I really do need to know things I ask about. I never ask a question I do not want an answer to.


Journal week 2: 
So far Aikido has turned out to be fun. I didn’t realize how much I missed the simple atmosphere of working on martial arts techniques with other practitioners. None of your other problems matter when you’re at practice. I think the guys are going easy on me because I am a girl with these thin little hands and wrists, but that’s actually totally fine by me! I’d rather have them being careful than injuring me by accident, and I am happy to have them be so mindful of the fact that I do have thin sensitive hands and cannot fall well yet.

I’ve got to get in more practice at falling and rolling. I know I am way behind everyone else there. That wouldn’t matter, except it means I can’t learn some of our uke techniques fully and properly because ukemi is kinda nonexistent for me at the moment. Maybe a round of decongestants would help clear out my ears and lessen the dizziness a little. I have a wide space in my house where I could put down a few layers of blanket one the carpet and practice some rolling. Maybe I’ll be less dizzy as I get used to the feeling. I am also going to do some more core and arm exercises so that my body will get better at supporting my weight through the roll.

I hope my gi is here by now so I can wash it and start wearing it- knee walking on those mats is tough on regular workout pants. I do wonder how often, if ever, the mats get scrubbed... I’m a bit of a germophobe when it comes to public spaces where people get sweaty. I’ll just keep applying antifungal preventive spray before practice and scrubbing in the shower afterwards. 

I am getting better at the whole physical contact thing. Normally I don’t like to be touched much, or up in people’s space. It’s a sensory issue- tactile/scent overload- as well as a trust issue. I get squicked out by the idea of touching other people’s hands or having them touch mine, which are immensely sensitive, moreso than a typical persons’.  I don’t usually like being right up close to people because I have an abnormally developed sense of smell and touch as well: perfumes, shampoos, aftershave, clothes detergent, fabric softener, deodorants, skin oils, diet, sweat, breath, hair, their coffee or what they smoke, and the heat of their body temperature in the air; I get ALL of that at once if a person comes within two feet of me. It’s very overwhelming. I do my best never to react to it so outwardly I do not let any of that show but it’s not a comfortable thing.
 The trust issues... well, I have not had the best history with Males. 

 I took Aikido partly to challenge both those problems in a controlled setting. The first day there were pins with locks on the hands I couldn’t watch, it made my eyes water and gave me nausea just seeing too much of it. The next time we did those techniques I was able to participate and learn them. I like to think this means I can learn to deal sometimes with getting up close to people and doing the whole touchy thing.

Journal week 3
I was surprised at how easily I still get dizzy so I am going to have to work on that. I can only take decongestants on days when I know I am going to have very little physical activity, since they have stimulants in them that do not go well with other meds I take. Still working on rolling. 

Journal week 4
Late.
Clinical Depression is kicking my teeth in again. It’s very like someone close to one has died, except without the loss. Just the pain and numbness. You can think of it like Leukemia of the Soul: It goes into remission, and you can treat it, but sometimes it relapses hard. Clinical depression is a physical inability to feel properly, due to chemical imbalances, and it happens to people whether they have a nice life or not, whether they “Think Positively” or not. It put me in the hospital once. 

I’ve had it since childhood, so I am quite accustomed to this old battle. Some enemies you get to know better than any friend, though you’d prefer not to. I have tried and true strategies. I have tactics. I keep moving. I never let myself sit alone with my thoughts because right now my feelings do not function correctly. I have to keep a clear head and not Ponder too much over anything, just do what is in front of me and keep moving until the storm moves along. 

Aikido helps.  On the Mats, I am not depressed. I am doing things. I may not be good at them but that’s hardly the point. 

Week 5

Depression still being pretty intense. Attending most of our Aikido times anyway. I missed Sat morning practice because Friday night I was sick again. I think I accidentally got some gluten in something I ate. Need to be more careful about eating food I did not make. 

Read one of the recommended books about Aikido, as well as the book that got me interested in Aikido way back in High School, “It’s A Lot Like Dancing”, this compilation of photographs and anecdotes from Terry Dobson. He’s a great storyteller, but he was also an Aikido teacher. The book is just his thoughts on various points of Aikido, or memories he has of O-Sensei or various classes.

Someone this week was talking to me in the class and saying, “Well I guess at first I’llbe kinda clumsy but then in a few months I’ll Get It, I wonder how long it takes to Get Good at this, you know? Was it like that in HEMA?”
And I just kind of had to stare at him for a while because this this I read once came into my head- someone said that some people, mostly teen boys and young men, come to a martial art with the idea that if they put in X amount of time, there will be a ding and an Achievement Unlocked like on XBox, and they will Get It, so they start calculating if I put in X amount of hours every week, I can be a Black Belt in three years, that kind of achievement Algebra. Like it’s a concrete thing you climb a hill to grab, and then once you have it, you have it.
And it’s not like that. Aikido can’t be like that, HEMA sure as heck wasn’t like that, nothing worth learning to do is like that. Life is not an XBox game. You do not do a Quest and get a Trophy. You start, and then go onward from there. You don’t Get It, because it’s a skill you can always improve on, not a thing you Get.

(I surmise that the guys who think like this probably often have problems dating for roughly the same reasons. )