..and I will not be convinced otherwise. Getting that on top of my sinus sickness was
bad.
I have not been so sick in years. Uf. But the norovirus is fading off, leaving me weak, shaky, dehydrated but back to where I was before- just sinus sick. Compared to that hellish flu, this isn't too bad.
It is interfering with my work and school though. I was gonna make some very cool stuff for a production, but they're going to have to use what they have already, with a few exceptions I might be able to manage for them if I move slowly and just have them come pick things up from my house.
I am probably going to have to withdraw on medical grounds from my classes. This sinus thing is making me far too foggy in the head to cope with Academia. I am autistic and in my case that means easily overwhelmed by complex stressors of executive function, and I can't cope with being sick and school at the same time. I thought I could, but I can't.
"Sculpt this", "paint that"; these are things that use an entirely different chunk of brain from, "comprehend and analyze this in a literary fashion according to these parameters". It's that Academic level on which I cannot function right now.
And I just got word that my insurance refuses to let me get surgery on Monday. I cannot heal or become healthy until the surgery happens. There is an infection inside the bones of my face that will not respond to antibiotics and my insurance wants "Authorization" before they'll let me get surgery. Which means waiting a few more weeks probably.
So. Frustrating.
Edit, next day: Worked out a thing with insurance whereby I will pay up front for those parts of the surgery they want to "authorize" and would have delayed it for, I get the surgery, then they reimburse me after they "authorize" it. I mean seriously it's worth it even if I had to pay out of pocket for the whole darn thing.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Day 21. still sick, venting
Still sick. Fever, exhaustion, weak.
Imageshack now thinks I deleted my account with them. dandy. Swearing.
I sent them an email
but that'd mean every pic I ever put on DoA is now gone.
Every last one. Galleries, comparisons, all those threads and tutorials.
if, as I am betting money, Imageshack mails me back and says Oops must be a glitch, sorry nothing we can do.
I was having a passable day up til then
they don't even recognize my email as part of their system. I had to use their Help section.
also I need to break something or shoot something.
but I'm still running a fever so I can't do any of those things. Ordinarily this is when I would hit the archery range and shoot until I can't. Or a good pell, and beat the crap out of it.
But I am flat on my back in bed.
yes other people have it worse but I am just going a little stircrazy right here and now.
I miss cleaning. Chores. I miss them.
I am living in my own mess right now because I can't clean up, this house looks like Hoarders Lite. It's all I can do to keep clean dishes in rotation so I have a way to feed myself. and I shower. That's my energy for the day.
I tried to work on props stuff but it used too much energy and my hands shake. Same with crafting or sculpting.
Imageshack now thinks I deleted my account with them. dandy. Swearing.
I sent them an email
but that'd mean every pic I ever put on DoA is now gone.
Every last one. Galleries, comparisons, all those threads and tutorials.
if, as I am betting money, Imageshack mails me back and says Oops must be a glitch, sorry nothing we can do.
I was having a passable day up til then
they don't even recognize my email as part of their system. I had to use their Help section.
also I need to break something or shoot something.
but I'm still running a fever so I can't do any of those things. Ordinarily this is when I would hit the archery range and shoot until I can't. Or a good pell, and beat the crap out of it.
But I am flat on my back in bed.
yes other people have it worse but I am just going a little stircrazy right here and now.
I miss cleaning. Chores. I miss them.
I am living in my own mess right now because I can't clean up, this house looks like Hoarders Lite. It's all I can do to keep clean dishes in rotation so I have a way to feed myself. and I shower. That's my energy for the day.
I tried to work on props stuff but it used too much energy and my hands shake. Same with crafting or sculpting.
Friday, September 25, 2015
Day 17 of the Autumn 2015 Sinus troubles.
I've been sick for 17 days now. Only about 3 of those involved leaving the house at all. I am getting bored of my bedroom. *WHINE* I'm a big baby.
As I mentioned, I've been diagnosed with Silent Sinus Syndrome, which is a rare condition where the sinuses in the front of one side of the face close up for as long as several years. I also have a deviated septum. This probably is part of why my allergic reactions turn into painful acute sinus infections within about 48 hours, those infections linger for a month or so, then crawl into my lungs to nest for the winter.
Fixing it requires surgery. I don't know when I get the surgery- I have a consult appointment next week. I don't know how long recovery will take either. This is only upsetting for me in that I am sick right now, and that I was going to get a dog.
I need a dog. I am a sad piece of misery without one. My house is too quiet. No one wakes me up to go for walks.
There's the catch, though. To have a dog, I have to be healthy enough to move around. I am not, so I can't. I am so lonely without a dog. I won't be able to have one until I am healthy enough to move around again, outdoors. I wear a scarf over my nose and mouth in winter here anyway because I almost always have or am recovering form lung infections in winter, so I can't breathe icy cold air.
I wanted to get a dog and go scootering with him in the mornings. I was healthy enough to do it, too. And then this happened. Foo.
You'd think after years of winter bedrest for months at a time, I'd get used to bedrest. Nope. Still as whiny as ever. I hate not being able to at least sit up and do things, but the more I do anything other than lie down or against pillows in bed, the sicker I get the next day. I have to REST. Well, tomorrow after I do my online test I am gonna play computer games on the couch downstairs. I can be bundled up down there just as easily as up here.
Yes, online test. Did I mention the awesome side of this?
1. They caught the SSS before my eyeball started to sag. That's right, most people only know they have this thingy when their sinus has imploded so much that the bone under the eye socket is dissolved and their eye starts to droop. NOPE NOPE NOPE. So I am very thankful my CT scan showed that I have it before anything happened to my precious eyes. I am exceedingly visual and I need my eyes.
2. In spite of my brain fog making reading hard, I have found an Audio Dramatization by the BBC of my textbook, (still chortling over that) and that's been letting me "study" for the test I need to to take which is ONLINE. My History class is at the cutting edge, for a college course, and that means our assignments and tests are all ONLINE. I can take the test from right here in my bed! I don't have to haul my weak butt into the testing center!
This is important because to attend our school you must be healthy and mobile. If you cannot wheel or walk a quarter mile or more from parking lots to classrooms, you cannot attend classes. Elevators and a few ramps do not an Accessible Campus make, not if you're too sick to walk long distances but not actually disabled.
I miss going to Aikido. I miss how cool it was to be healthy enough to work out and work hard.
I really, really miss my dog.
As I mentioned, I've been diagnosed with Silent Sinus Syndrome, which is a rare condition where the sinuses in the front of one side of the face close up for as long as several years. I also have a deviated septum. This probably is part of why my allergic reactions turn into painful acute sinus infections within about 48 hours, those infections linger for a month or so, then crawl into my lungs to nest for the winter.
Fixing it requires surgery. I don't know when I get the surgery- I have a consult appointment next week. I don't know how long recovery will take either. This is only upsetting for me in that I am sick right now, and that I was going to get a dog.
I need a dog. I am a sad piece of misery without one. My house is too quiet. No one wakes me up to go for walks.
There's the catch, though. To have a dog, I have to be healthy enough to move around. I am not, so I can't. I am so lonely without a dog. I won't be able to have one until I am healthy enough to move around again, outdoors. I wear a scarf over my nose and mouth in winter here anyway because I almost always have or am recovering form lung infections in winter, so I can't breathe icy cold air.
I wanted to get a dog and go scootering with him in the mornings. I was healthy enough to do it, too. And then this happened. Foo.
You'd think after years of winter bedrest for months at a time, I'd get used to bedrest. Nope. Still as whiny as ever. I hate not being able to at least sit up and do things, but the more I do anything other than lie down or against pillows in bed, the sicker I get the next day. I have to REST. Well, tomorrow after I do my online test I am gonna play computer games on the couch downstairs. I can be bundled up down there just as easily as up here.
Yes, online test. Did I mention the awesome side of this?
1. They caught the SSS before my eyeball started to sag. That's right, most people only know they have this thingy when their sinus has imploded so much that the bone under the eye socket is dissolved and their eye starts to droop. NOPE NOPE NOPE. So I am very thankful my CT scan showed that I have it before anything happened to my precious eyes. I am exceedingly visual and I need my eyes.
2. In spite of my brain fog making reading hard, I have found an Audio Dramatization by the BBC of my textbook, (still chortling over that) and that's been letting me "study" for the test I need to to take which is ONLINE. My History class is at the cutting edge, for a college course, and that means our assignments and tests are all ONLINE. I can take the test from right here in my bed! I don't have to haul my weak butt into the testing center!
This is important because to attend our school you must be healthy and mobile. If you cannot wheel or walk a quarter mile or more from parking lots to classrooms, you cannot attend classes. Elevators and a few ramps do not an Accessible Campus make, not if you're too sick to walk long distances but not actually disabled.
I miss going to Aikido. I miss how cool it was to be healthy enough to work out and work hard.
I really, really miss my dog.
Thursday, September 24, 2015
David Attenborough Voice
*David Attenborough Voice*
Here we have one of nature's rarest creatures! A Raine Artista Introvertus! This solitary creature is endemic to the Chaparral regions of Southern Coastal California, and we aren't quite sure what this one is doing so far out of that range, but the northerly climate does seem to affect its usual habits.
Every Autumn, this rare animal grows sluggish and begins to build a nest of blankets and other soft materials, only emerging periodically, often at night!
In Autumn, this subspecies of Artista uses its delicate fingers to locate Tylenol, antibiotics and other small prizes buried within nearby cupboards. It then retreats immediately to the safety of its nest! During the day, it can occasionally be enticed to sun itself briefly, in a warm place if lured by pizza, or fresh hot food it didn't have to cook.
I've been diagnosed with acute sinusitis and Silent Sinus Syndrome, for which I require surgery later. Meanwhile I subsist upon tylenol and such food as I can obtain via microwave.
Here we have one of nature's rarest creatures! A Raine Artista Introvertus! This solitary creature is endemic to the Chaparral regions of Southern Coastal California, and we aren't quite sure what this one is doing so far out of that range, but the northerly climate does seem to affect its usual habits.
Every Autumn, this rare animal grows sluggish and begins to build a nest of blankets and other soft materials, only emerging periodically, often at night!
In Autumn, this subspecies of Artista uses its delicate fingers to locate Tylenol, antibiotics and other small prizes buried within nearby cupboards. It then retreats immediately to the safety of its nest! During the day, it can occasionally be enticed to sun itself briefly, in a warm place if lured by pizza, or fresh hot food it didn't have to cook.
I've been diagnosed with acute sinusitis and Silent Sinus Syndrome, for which I require surgery later. Meanwhile I subsist upon tylenol and such food as I can obtain via microwave.
Monday, September 21, 2015
INTJ problems- Not Cold, Pressure Cooker.
I test out on the Myers- Briggs profile, professionally done, as an
INTJ/p. That is, I have some times when that last variable is a 50/50
split.
INJT are stereotyped as likely to be cold rational intuitive thinkers, blunt, honest, a bit socially awkward, and stuck kind of pretending to reactions they don’t feel in order to fit in.
All spot on,
except one thing.
I’m not cold. I’ve never been cold unless you mean like Dry Ice is cold. I am a kettle. I am boiling over. I am a slowly seething mass of rage that vents gently and constantly so it doesn’t explode. I am FULL of lots of emotions, lots of loves, lots of empathy for people I’ve never even met, depths of sorrows, lots of old resentments, LOTS of righteous wrath against willful hate.
I am largely full of rage. Yet I do not appear outwardly to have anger issues, and have almost never “taken it out” on someone. Never, in my adult life.
It’s not for lack of knowing how, either- I know a lot of very dangerous stuff including certain martial arts. Or for lack of really, really, wanting to.
Most of my family would be very surprised to learn that I am pretty constantly a roiling pressure cooker of wrath and rage…. under a knitted tea-cozy. “That’s my secret, Cap… I’m always angry.”
…crap. I’m growing up to be either Bruce Banner or Sam Vimes. That’s either really good or really bad.
I sublimate that rage so it never comes out. But I just don’t identify with this stereotype that INTJ people are cold and unfeeling. I have these vast oceans of feelings, not the least of which is this… Anger Thing.
INJT are stereotyped as likely to be cold rational intuitive thinkers, blunt, honest, a bit socially awkward, and stuck kind of pretending to reactions they don’t feel in order to fit in.
All spot on,
except one thing.
I’m not cold. I’ve never been cold unless you mean like Dry Ice is cold. I am a kettle. I am boiling over. I am a slowly seething mass of rage that vents gently and constantly so it doesn’t explode. I am FULL of lots of emotions, lots of loves, lots of empathy for people I’ve never even met, depths of sorrows, lots of old resentments, LOTS of righteous wrath against willful hate.
I am largely full of rage. Yet I do not appear outwardly to have anger issues, and have almost never “taken it out” on someone. Never, in my adult life.
It’s not for lack of knowing how, either- I know a lot of very dangerous stuff including certain martial arts. Or for lack of really, really, wanting to.
Most of my family would be very surprised to learn that I am pretty constantly a roiling pressure cooker of wrath and rage…. under a knitted tea-cozy. “That’s my secret, Cap… I’m always angry.”
…crap. I’m growing up to be either Bruce Banner or Sam Vimes. That’s either really good or really bad.
I sublimate that rage so it never comes out. But I just don’t identify with this stereotype that INTJ people are cold and unfeeling. I have these vast oceans of feelings, not the least of which is this… Anger Thing.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Thing about Aikido
People often will watch an Aikido demo and say, “Well it’s not realistic, you cooperated with him when he threw you!”
Hahaha, Of course I did!
My other option was to have my arm dislocated, possibly spiral-fractured (don’t google that), and then to land neck first on the ground with all of my body weight on top of my then-shattered vertebrae. Much safer to go along with it and roll.
Aikido “looks fake” because the people being tossed
protect themselves
from the consequences of having all their momentum hurled into the ground, along with squishy breakable anatomy.
We could resist More, yes, but it would have bad results. we often do try to resist a bit to help our partners practice against an unwilling opponent, but the result is pretty much the same- Wowican’tbendthatwayTHUD…Tap!Tap!
I promise you, if you learn to roll and fall correctly to protect your body, and then get a Sensei to show you some Aikido, you will see how effective it can be. Once your balance and momentum do not belong to you, you are hurtling through the air whether you like it or not. And then you’re on the ground wondering what the heck just happened. And all that happens in less than a second. It’s really, really FUN.
Hahaha, Of course I did!
My other option was to have my arm dislocated, possibly spiral-fractured (don’t google that), and then to land neck first on the ground with all of my body weight on top of my then-shattered vertebrae. Much safer to go along with it and roll.
Aikido “looks fake” because the people being tossed
protect themselves
from the consequences of having all their momentum hurled into the ground, along with squishy breakable anatomy.
We could resist More, yes, but it would have bad results. we often do try to resist a bit to help our partners practice against an unwilling opponent, but the result is pretty much the same- Wowican’tbendthatwayTHUD…Tap!Tap!
I promise you, if you learn to roll and fall correctly to protect your body, and then get a Sensei to show you some Aikido, you will see how effective it can be. Once your balance and momentum do not belong to you, you are hurtling through the air whether you like it or not. And then you’re on the ground wondering what the heck just happened. And all that happens in less than a second. It’s really, really FUN.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Smile, No One LIkes A Frown (rant)
And then that having a mate will make your medical condition vanish
And most general and universal is that “no one likes a sad face”
Everyone Knows
no one can love someone who isn’t cheerful.
Everyone Knows “Happiness is a choice” and if you can’t make yourself happy no one will love you,
Everyone Knows.
Everyone knows no one loves a sad face.
Everyone knows people love a smile.
So who will love someone with incurable Clinical Depression? I can choose to be peaceful in my low points. But I am a often medically unable to be really happy. Peace in acceptance is the best I can do some days.
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