"Person With Disability, NOT Disabled Person! Person first language is less demeaning!" is something you hear a lot of Non Disabled people insist on, especially when it comes to Autism. "Not autistic! Person With Autism! See the person- not the autism!"
BUT the reasoning behind this is incorrect and often very
secretly-ableist in the case of autism. This is another of those cases
where ableism is happening even though people don’t realize it.
For those of you reading along, let me explain this:
Point 1:
It isn’t a thing I have, I am not “a person With it”, I would be a corpse Without it.
A Person with Diabetes is a human individual who Has diabetes. If you take the diabetes away they will be happier and healthier.
People who think autism could be taken out of an autistic do horrific
things to us to try to make that happen- they want to cure us of how
our brains work. To take the autism out of me, I would be a dead body.
Point 2, and the really creepy part when you see what you’ve been told your whole life:
People reason that the girl with autism should be called that because
the girl should be first not the autism… why? because the autism is…..
bad.
“See the person not the condition.” Where does this kind of thinking come from? Why don’t you want to see my autism, people?
See me, not everything about me and how I think and live? Why not?
What’s wrong with seeing my autism? What’s so horrible? Why won’t you
see me as I am, instead of with a qualifier about how I still count as a
human?
Person First Language is sadly based in the assumption that you should NOT see the Disability. That it is a tragedy to be hidden or ignored. That I am human in spite of my disability, not Along With it.
So, unless someone asks for person first lang, (and they’ve probably been told to do so, sadly) please try not to use it.
Friday, March 25, 2016
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Aikido update
I have hit a kind of awkward spot with my Ukemi. But I am finally at a
point with most other things here in whitebelt land that I no longer
feel like know nothing, you know? I see a beginning now. I am
staaaaarrrting to grasp the edges of it.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Auditory Processing Disorder? I thought you were autistic?
Yes, but the two often go together. I was never diagnosed with APD because if I wasn't autistic I probably wouldn't have APD either. It's just another part of how my brain works. (Some people have APD without being autistic, though.)
The main thing about it, for me, is that I have No Cocktail Party Effect. This is the casual name for the thing your brain does where it listens to the thing you’re trying to hear, and totally doesn’t register the things you’re not trying to hear.
Mine can’t do that. I hear everything. All the time. And I have excellent physical hearing, boosted by autistic hyper-sensory abilities: That is, my physical ears are just like everyone elses’ who has typically functioning Hearing ears, but my autistic brain has all the sensory intake areas turned up to 11, so my brain picks up way more from my auditory nerve than a neurotypical brain would.
End result, I have freakishly good hearing, but that’s not as useful as it sounds because of the aforesaid Auditory Processing Thing. I hear everything, and my brain doesn’t see a need to sort out any of it. If there’s a room full of people I can hear every single conversation at once, every rustle of cloth, every exhalation and footstep, and understand none of the things being said.
I often do not tell people, especially strangers, that I am Autistic, but I usually have to tell them, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that last thing you said- I have an auditory processing disorder, and I hear everything else in this room as well as you. Could you please face me when you speak?”
The main thing about it, for me, is that I have No Cocktail Party Effect. This is the casual name for the thing your brain does where it listens to the thing you’re trying to hear, and totally doesn’t register the things you’re not trying to hear.
Mine can’t do that. I hear everything. All the time. And I have excellent physical hearing, boosted by autistic hyper-sensory abilities: That is, my physical ears are just like everyone elses’ who has typically functioning Hearing ears, but my autistic brain has all the sensory intake areas turned up to 11, so my brain picks up way more from my auditory nerve than a neurotypical brain would.
End result, I have freakishly good hearing, but that’s not as useful as it sounds because of the aforesaid Auditory Processing Thing. I hear everything, and my brain doesn’t see a need to sort out any of it. If there’s a room full of people I can hear every single conversation at once, every rustle of cloth, every exhalation and footstep, and understand none of the things being said.
I often do not tell people, especially strangers, that I am Autistic, but I usually have to tell them, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that last thing you said- I have an auditory processing disorder, and I hear everything else in this room as well as you. Could you please face me when you speak?”
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Doing or Not Doing. Yeah more zen.
Q: “What do you do to get more energy?”
A: “I… don’t.”
That. That’s it. I do “nothing”.. in the sense that I do less in order to have more energy. To keep my energy for things I need to do, I have cut back on things I do not need to do so often, or could do slowly, or could do another day. I have Chronic Clinical Depression as well as being autistic, so I do often feel that I run out of energy very fast.
What I do is choose very carefully how much activity or sensory input I will engage in each day. I realize this isn’t something that most people can do sometimes, but you may have to make a lot of changes to address energy in this method.
I am not saying it is the best method for everyone, but it is working for me. It is hard to get used to being so gentle with myself. I do not like turning down some invitations to save energy for doctor appointments. Sometimes I would rather go out on the town with my friends than sit indoors and watch a movie with them, but these are the kind of choices I make so as to limit my use of energy.
Now, I am not saying, “Do only necessary things and have no fun at all.” By all means do not do that- it would not be a balanced lifestyle and could lead to problems. Humans are often better off with a balanced life. Do some fun things. Do some needful things. But do less of both, and try not to do everything all at once. I do my healthcare routine of shower etc., then one or two needful things per day like a class or appointment, then I do one or maybe two fun things, either with friends or by doing my art.
I have, I realize, the privilege of being able to set up my life right now so that I am not very busy. It might not be possible for you to do exactly what I do but you can find ways to be a little less busy, which might lead to being less overwhelmed or tired out. Personally, it is healthier for me to avoid being too busy.
Culture right now is very insistent that if you’re not super busy and always tired, you must be “uninformed”, “unpopular” or “unsuccessful”. Ignore that noise. Slow it down. Life is not a competition. Life is life.
A: “I… don’t.”
That. That’s it. I do “nothing”.. in the sense that I do less in order to have more energy. To keep my energy for things I need to do, I have cut back on things I do not need to do so often, or could do slowly, or could do another day. I have Chronic Clinical Depression as well as being autistic, so I do often feel that I run out of energy very fast.
What I do is choose very carefully how much activity or sensory input I will engage in each day. I realize this isn’t something that most people can do sometimes, but you may have to make a lot of changes to address energy in this method.
I am not saying it is the best method for everyone, but it is working for me. It is hard to get used to being so gentle with myself. I do not like turning down some invitations to save energy for doctor appointments. Sometimes I would rather go out on the town with my friends than sit indoors and watch a movie with them, but these are the kind of choices I make so as to limit my use of energy.
Now, I am not saying, “Do only necessary things and have no fun at all.” By all means do not do that- it would not be a balanced lifestyle and could lead to problems. Humans are often better off with a balanced life. Do some fun things. Do some needful things. But do less of both, and try not to do everything all at once. I do my healthcare routine of shower etc., then one or two needful things per day like a class or appointment, then I do one or maybe two fun things, either with friends or by doing my art.
I have, I realize, the privilege of being able to set up my life right now so that I am not very busy. It might not be possible for you to do exactly what I do but you can find ways to be a little less busy, which might lead to being less overwhelmed or tired out. Personally, it is healthier for me to avoid being too busy.
Culture right now is very insistent that if you’re not super busy and always tired, you must be “uninformed”, “unpopular” or “unsuccessful”. Ignore that noise. Slow it down. Life is not a competition. Life is life.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Be a stone in the river.
When you have a Chronic condition, any disability or illness or
trouble that lasts longer than other people have patience for, they
often talk up how great it is for you to always be fighting, always
"keep fighting this". Guess what?
They mean well but that is *exhausting* and irrational to expect.
I'm not saying give up, I am saying you do not have to fight all the time. No one can be in an aggressive mode every day, "inspirational" only when thrashing about against the current. Sit in the current. Be a stone in the river. Let the river go past.
They mean well but that is *exhausting* and irrational to expect.
I'm not saying give up, I am saying you do not have to fight all the time. No one can be in an aggressive mode every day, "inspirational" only when thrashing about against the current. Sit in the current. Be a stone in the river. Let the river go past.
“Heaven is where you are standing, and that is the place to train.” Aikido founder O Sensei Morihei Ueshiba.
I’m not saying you have to be pleased to be where you are. Being sick or disabled in some way often just sucks. It isn’t sunshine and rainbows.
But it is where you are right now, and it might help to know
that you do not have to wait to be happy
until you get better.
You can be happy or at least At Peace in some ways here and now.
Once more: You do not have to wait to be happy
until some future or impossible time when you get better.
You don’t always have to be “fighting”. You deserve to have peace now. Let yourself have it.
I’m not saying you have to be pleased to be where you are. Being sick or disabled in some way often just sucks. It isn’t sunshine and rainbows.
But it is where you are right now, and it might help to know
that you do not have to wait to be happy
until you get better.
You can be happy or at least At Peace in some ways here and now.
Once more: You do not have to wait to be happy
until some future or impossible time when you get better.
You don’t always have to be “fighting”. You deserve to have peace now. Let yourself have it.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Aikido and Recovery
How do you manage to balance (or not) martial arts and other parts of your life?
Aikido is a big part of my mental/personal health. I learn lessons there to apply to my personal emotional challenges. It’s been instrumental in the healing and recovery I am trying to do. It shows me in a kinetic and physical way where my fears still are, and what I can do about them.
Getting personal here, TW mentions of abuse and trauma:
It’s not an official “diagnosis”, but I have a decade or two’s worth of Complex-PTSD, which in my case is the slow trauma I got from long term bullying or emotional abuse, with threats or incidents of physical abuse. I have complex trust issues and problems ever feeling safe. Besides the obvious physical empowerment of a martial art for some self defense, Aikido is teaching me to practice trust, to enforce boundaries, and to speak up when people hurt me or I am uncomfortable.
That last is very difficult as I have had a lifetime of being "trained", told repeatedly and firmly, to be silent when I am hurting or unhappy. In our Aikido Dojo, if you ask someone to stop hurting you... they stop, instead of laughing, ignoring you, dismissing your pain, or increasing it for their entertainment. That is very new and precious to me and I am learning from it.
I am learning which motions still make me uncomfortable, and then in my outside therapy I can address the reasons for those. I get severely dizzy doing a certain turn and I realized it’s because I hate moving backward when I can’t see what’s behind me... because of fear and hypervigilance. I was able to then talk to my counselor about that.
I am also learning how to move with and around things instead of fighting against them. That’s the literal principle behind Aikido but it’s also been helping me in my emotional and personal struggles. “It is far easier to roll a rock, using its own momentum, than to try to carry the same rock. Stop trying to carry the rock!” I put myself through a lot of mental anguish I do not have to actually deal with any more if I would just stop trying to carry it. So now it’s in inner mantra- “Stop trying to carry the rock!”
Aikido is a big part of my mental/personal health. I learn lessons there to apply to my personal emotional challenges. It’s been instrumental in the healing and recovery I am trying to do. It shows me in a kinetic and physical way where my fears still are, and what I can do about them.
Getting personal here, TW mentions of abuse and trauma:
It’s not an official “diagnosis”, but I have a decade or two’s worth of Complex-PTSD, which in my case is the slow trauma I got from long term bullying or emotional abuse, with threats or incidents of physical abuse. I have complex trust issues and problems ever feeling safe. Besides the obvious physical empowerment of a martial art for some self defense, Aikido is teaching me to practice trust, to enforce boundaries, and to speak up when people hurt me or I am uncomfortable.
That last is very difficult as I have had a lifetime of being "trained", told repeatedly and firmly, to be silent when I am hurting or unhappy. In our Aikido Dojo, if you ask someone to stop hurting you... they stop, instead of laughing, ignoring you, dismissing your pain, or increasing it for their entertainment. That is very new and precious to me and I am learning from it.
I am learning which motions still make me uncomfortable, and then in my outside therapy I can address the reasons for those. I get severely dizzy doing a certain turn and I realized it’s because I hate moving backward when I can’t see what’s behind me... because of fear and hypervigilance. I was able to then talk to my counselor about that.
I am also learning how to move with and around things instead of fighting against them. That’s the literal principle behind Aikido but it’s also been helping me in my emotional and personal struggles. “It is far easier to roll a rock, using its own momentum, than to try to carry the same rock. Stop trying to carry the rock!” I put myself through a lot of mental anguish I do not have to actually deal with any more if I would just stop trying to carry it. So now it’s in inner mantra- “Stop trying to carry the rock!”
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Post Sinus Surgery- day 2? -Ish? Wow, pain meds are great...
I had the sinus surgery and it was successful. I will write more later. Currently quite loopy. Thank heaven for good medicine or my face would be hurting wayyy more.
Update coming soon.
Updated!
Doctors told my parents that the Silent Sinus was indeed very small and closed up and had been full of seriously nasty gunk, which is probably what made me sick all month. They sent a sample off to be lab tested to check for anything notable. I kinda wanna hear if there are results. So that sinus has been kind of re-carved out, they shaved down the Turbinates, and they did a Septoplasty to straighten my deviated septum so that I can breathe through regular sized nasal passages for the first time ever. I can't wait to try deep breathing once it's healed, I have always wondered what it would be like to breathe freely and deeply just through my nose.
So, Monday:
the surgery itself was about an hour or two, they say. I had a bad hour or so afterward, in the recovery room, because while I was asleep my body still felt the surgery, and my neck and shoulders had clenched tight into knots, and I was hurting and druggy and pitiful. Dad was sitting right there, and they fed me pain pills and applesauce, and then I got home and got over the Effexor withdrawal by taking my daily dose of that, and they even gave me a lil' anti nausea drug to go with the pain pills. The surgery staff were all terribly kind to me the whole time. Lovely people, and that's not just the Percocet talking.
The post-op nurse was really surprised by how coherent I was even after the pain pills kicked in. She had to help me up to get me re-dressed, and kept saying how remarkably well I was doing. I laughed and told her I've had a LOT of experience being medically compromised. All those times I was wrung out on Effexor withdrawal and had to try to function anyway gave me a lot of training at this sort of thing. Being able to move, talk, and balance while chemically compromised is a skill you can actually practice, it turns out.
Mom and Dad are looking after me now. I have thick squishy blankets, and a nose rinse to use. Daddy bought me GF cookies but I sadly cannot taste them. I can only pick up broad basic flavors right now, like salt in my omelet, or sweet green smoothie. Trying to relax my shoulders- I won't be able to lie face down in a massage table for like a month at least, since those face rings put a lot of pressure on the sinus bones.
I have to take pills every four hours, and rinse out my nose a lot, and sleep sitting upright, and wear a face bandage so I don't leak draining saline or blood on anything.
What I really want to do is lie down on my side like I usually sleep, and sleep for 8 hours straight.
It'll be a little while before I can do that, but SOON.
Just now my face hurts and I am tired, because I have to take 1 pill every 4 hours, and the pills give me a heinously dry mouth, but that's helping me make sure I stay hydrated, so there's that.
Percocet makes me chatty, but I am also talkative (typeative?) because I am bored and a bit lonely. It's hard to talk out loud with a hurting face so my verbal communication is limited. Besides, Mom is busy. I am excited to be on my way to healing.
Update coming soon.
Updated!
Doctors told my parents that the Silent Sinus was indeed very small and closed up and had been full of seriously nasty gunk, which is probably what made me sick all month. They sent a sample off to be lab tested to check for anything notable. I kinda wanna hear if there are results. So that sinus has been kind of re-carved out, they shaved down the Turbinates, and they did a Septoplasty to straighten my deviated septum so that I can breathe through regular sized nasal passages for the first time ever. I can't wait to try deep breathing once it's healed, I have always wondered what it would be like to breathe freely and deeply just through my nose.
So, Monday:
the surgery itself was about an hour or two, they say. I had a bad hour or so afterward, in the recovery room, because while I was asleep my body still felt the surgery, and my neck and shoulders had clenched tight into knots, and I was hurting and druggy and pitiful. Dad was sitting right there, and they fed me pain pills and applesauce, and then I got home and got over the Effexor withdrawal by taking my daily dose of that, and they even gave me a lil' anti nausea drug to go with the pain pills. The surgery staff were all terribly kind to me the whole time. Lovely people, and that's not just the Percocet talking.
The post-op nurse was really surprised by how coherent I was even after the pain pills kicked in. She had to help me up to get me re-dressed, and kept saying how remarkably well I was doing. I laughed and told her I've had a LOT of experience being medically compromised. All those times I was wrung out on Effexor withdrawal and had to try to function anyway gave me a lot of training at this sort of thing. Being able to move, talk, and balance while chemically compromised is a skill you can actually practice, it turns out.
Mom and Dad are looking after me now. I have thick squishy blankets, and a nose rinse to use. Daddy bought me GF cookies but I sadly cannot taste them. I can only pick up broad basic flavors right now, like salt in my omelet, or sweet green smoothie. Trying to relax my shoulders- I won't be able to lie face down in a massage table for like a month at least, since those face rings put a lot of pressure on the sinus bones.
I have to take pills every four hours, and rinse out my nose a lot, and sleep sitting upright, and wear a face bandage so I don't leak draining saline or blood on anything.
What I really want to do is lie down on my side like I usually sleep, and sleep for 8 hours straight.
It'll be a little while before I can do that, but SOON.
Just now my face hurts and I am tired, because I have to take 1 pill every 4 hours, and the pills give me a heinously dry mouth, but that's helping me make sure I stay hydrated, so there's that.
Percocet makes me chatty, but I am also talkative (typeative?) because I am bored and a bit lonely. It's hard to talk out loud with a hurting face so my verbal communication is limited. Besides, Mom is busy. I am excited to be on my way to healing.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Day 30- Norovirus is the flu from hell.
..and I will not be convinced otherwise. Getting that on top of my sinus sickness was
bad.
I have not been so sick in years. Uf. But the norovirus is fading off, leaving me weak, shaky, dehydrated but back to where I was before- just sinus sick. Compared to that hellish flu, this isn't too bad.
It is interfering with my work and school though. I was gonna make some very cool stuff for a production, but they're going to have to use what they have already, with a few exceptions I might be able to manage for them if I move slowly and just have them come pick things up from my house.
I am probably going to have to withdraw on medical grounds from my classes. This sinus thing is making me far too foggy in the head to cope with Academia. I am autistic and in my case that means easily overwhelmed by complex stressors of executive function, and I can't cope with being sick and school at the same time. I thought I could, but I can't.
"Sculpt this", "paint that"; these are things that use an entirely different chunk of brain from, "comprehend and analyze this in a literary fashion according to these parameters". It's that Academic level on which I cannot function right now.
And I just got word that my insurance refuses to let me get surgery on Monday. I cannot heal or become healthy until the surgery happens. There is an infection inside the bones of my face that will not respond to antibiotics and my insurance wants "Authorization" before they'll let me get surgery. Which means waiting a few more weeks probably.
So. Frustrating.
Edit, next day: Worked out a thing with insurance whereby I will pay up front for those parts of the surgery they want to "authorize" and would have delayed it for, I get the surgery, then they reimburse me after they "authorize" it. I mean seriously it's worth it even if I had to pay out of pocket for the whole darn thing.
bad.
I have not been so sick in years. Uf. But the norovirus is fading off, leaving me weak, shaky, dehydrated but back to where I was before- just sinus sick. Compared to that hellish flu, this isn't too bad.
It is interfering with my work and school though. I was gonna make some very cool stuff for a production, but they're going to have to use what they have already, with a few exceptions I might be able to manage for them if I move slowly and just have them come pick things up from my house.
I am probably going to have to withdraw on medical grounds from my classes. This sinus thing is making me far too foggy in the head to cope with Academia. I am autistic and in my case that means easily overwhelmed by complex stressors of executive function, and I can't cope with being sick and school at the same time. I thought I could, but I can't.
"Sculpt this", "paint that"; these are things that use an entirely different chunk of brain from, "comprehend and analyze this in a literary fashion according to these parameters". It's that Academic level on which I cannot function right now.
And I just got word that my insurance refuses to let me get surgery on Monday. I cannot heal or become healthy until the surgery happens. There is an infection inside the bones of my face that will not respond to antibiotics and my insurance wants "Authorization" before they'll let me get surgery. Which means waiting a few more weeks probably.
So. Frustrating.
Edit, next day: Worked out a thing with insurance whereby I will pay up front for those parts of the surgery they want to "authorize" and would have delayed it for, I get the surgery, then they reimburse me after they "authorize" it. I mean seriously it's worth it even if I had to pay out of pocket for the whole darn thing.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Day 21. still sick, venting
Still sick. Fever, exhaustion, weak.
Imageshack now thinks I deleted my account with them. dandy. Swearing.
I sent them an email
but that'd mean every pic I ever put on DoA is now gone.
Every last one. Galleries, comparisons, all those threads and tutorials.
if, as I am betting money, Imageshack mails me back and says Oops must be a glitch, sorry nothing we can do.
I was having a passable day up til then
they don't even recognize my email as part of their system. I had to use their Help section.
also I need to break something or shoot something.
but I'm still running a fever so I can't do any of those things. Ordinarily this is when I would hit the archery range and shoot until I can't. Or a good pell, and beat the crap out of it.
But I am flat on my back in bed.
yes other people have it worse but I am just going a little stircrazy right here and now.
I miss cleaning. Chores. I miss them.
I am living in my own mess right now because I can't clean up, this house looks like Hoarders Lite. It's all I can do to keep clean dishes in rotation so I have a way to feed myself. and I shower. That's my energy for the day.
I tried to work on props stuff but it used too much energy and my hands shake. Same with crafting or sculpting.
Imageshack now thinks I deleted my account with them. dandy. Swearing.
I sent them an email
but that'd mean every pic I ever put on DoA is now gone.
Every last one. Galleries, comparisons, all those threads and tutorials.
if, as I am betting money, Imageshack mails me back and says Oops must be a glitch, sorry nothing we can do.
I was having a passable day up til then
they don't even recognize my email as part of their system. I had to use their Help section.
also I need to break something or shoot something.
but I'm still running a fever so I can't do any of those things. Ordinarily this is when I would hit the archery range and shoot until I can't. Or a good pell, and beat the crap out of it.
But I am flat on my back in bed.
yes other people have it worse but I am just going a little stircrazy right here and now.
I miss cleaning. Chores. I miss them.
I am living in my own mess right now because I can't clean up, this house looks like Hoarders Lite. It's all I can do to keep clean dishes in rotation so I have a way to feed myself. and I shower. That's my energy for the day.
I tried to work on props stuff but it used too much energy and my hands shake. Same with crafting or sculpting.
Friday, September 25, 2015
Day 17 of the Autumn 2015 Sinus troubles.
I've been sick for 17 days now. Only about 3 of those involved leaving the house at all. I am getting bored of my bedroom. *WHINE* I'm a big baby.
As I mentioned, I've been diagnosed with Silent Sinus Syndrome, which is a rare condition where the sinuses in the front of one side of the face close up for as long as several years. I also have a deviated septum. This probably is part of why my allergic reactions turn into painful acute sinus infections within about 48 hours, those infections linger for a month or so, then crawl into my lungs to nest for the winter.
Fixing it requires surgery. I don't know when I get the surgery- I have a consult appointment next week. I don't know how long recovery will take either. This is only upsetting for me in that I am sick right now, and that I was going to get a dog.
I need a dog. I am a sad piece of misery without one. My house is too quiet. No one wakes me up to go for walks.
There's the catch, though. To have a dog, I have to be healthy enough to move around. I am not, so I can't. I am so lonely without a dog. I won't be able to have one until I am healthy enough to move around again, outdoors. I wear a scarf over my nose and mouth in winter here anyway because I almost always have or am recovering form lung infections in winter, so I can't breathe icy cold air.
I wanted to get a dog and go scootering with him in the mornings. I was healthy enough to do it, too. And then this happened. Foo.
You'd think after years of winter bedrest for months at a time, I'd get used to bedrest. Nope. Still as whiny as ever. I hate not being able to at least sit up and do things, but the more I do anything other than lie down or against pillows in bed, the sicker I get the next day. I have to REST. Well, tomorrow after I do my online test I am gonna play computer games on the couch downstairs. I can be bundled up down there just as easily as up here.
Yes, online test. Did I mention the awesome side of this?
1. They caught the SSS before my eyeball started to sag. That's right, most people only know they have this thingy when their sinus has imploded so much that the bone under the eye socket is dissolved and their eye starts to droop. NOPE NOPE NOPE. So I am very thankful my CT scan showed that I have it before anything happened to my precious eyes. I am exceedingly visual and I need my eyes.
2. In spite of my brain fog making reading hard, I have found an Audio Dramatization by the BBC of my textbook, (still chortling over that) and that's been letting me "study" for the test I need to to take which is ONLINE. My History class is at the cutting edge, for a college course, and that means our assignments and tests are all ONLINE. I can take the test from right here in my bed! I don't have to haul my weak butt into the testing center!
This is important because to attend our school you must be healthy and mobile. If you cannot wheel or walk a quarter mile or more from parking lots to classrooms, you cannot attend classes. Elevators and a few ramps do not an Accessible Campus make, not if you're too sick to walk long distances but not actually disabled.
I miss going to Aikido. I miss how cool it was to be healthy enough to work out and work hard.
I really, really miss my dog.
As I mentioned, I've been diagnosed with Silent Sinus Syndrome, which is a rare condition where the sinuses in the front of one side of the face close up for as long as several years. I also have a deviated septum. This probably is part of why my allergic reactions turn into painful acute sinus infections within about 48 hours, those infections linger for a month or so, then crawl into my lungs to nest for the winter.
Fixing it requires surgery. I don't know when I get the surgery- I have a consult appointment next week. I don't know how long recovery will take either. This is only upsetting for me in that I am sick right now, and that I was going to get a dog.
I need a dog. I am a sad piece of misery without one. My house is too quiet. No one wakes me up to go for walks.
There's the catch, though. To have a dog, I have to be healthy enough to move around. I am not, so I can't. I am so lonely without a dog. I won't be able to have one until I am healthy enough to move around again, outdoors. I wear a scarf over my nose and mouth in winter here anyway because I almost always have or am recovering form lung infections in winter, so I can't breathe icy cold air.
I wanted to get a dog and go scootering with him in the mornings. I was healthy enough to do it, too. And then this happened. Foo.
You'd think after years of winter bedrest for months at a time, I'd get used to bedrest. Nope. Still as whiny as ever. I hate not being able to at least sit up and do things, but the more I do anything other than lie down or against pillows in bed, the sicker I get the next day. I have to REST. Well, tomorrow after I do my online test I am gonna play computer games on the couch downstairs. I can be bundled up down there just as easily as up here.
Yes, online test. Did I mention the awesome side of this?
1. They caught the SSS before my eyeball started to sag. That's right, most people only know they have this thingy when their sinus has imploded so much that the bone under the eye socket is dissolved and their eye starts to droop. NOPE NOPE NOPE. So I am very thankful my CT scan showed that I have it before anything happened to my precious eyes. I am exceedingly visual and I need my eyes.
2. In spite of my brain fog making reading hard, I have found an Audio Dramatization by the BBC of my textbook, (still chortling over that) and that's been letting me "study" for the test I need to to take which is ONLINE. My History class is at the cutting edge, for a college course, and that means our assignments and tests are all ONLINE. I can take the test from right here in my bed! I don't have to haul my weak butt into the testing center!
This is important because to attend our school you must be healthy and mobile. If you cannot wheel or walk a quarter mile or more from parking lots to classrooms, you cannot attend classes. Elevators and a few ramps do not an Accessible Campus make, not if you're too sick to walk long distances but not actually disabled.
I miss going to Aikido. I miss how cool it was to be healthy enough to work out and work hard.
I really, really miss my dog.
Thursday, September 24, 2015
David Attenborough Voice
*David Attenborough Voice*
Here we have one of nature's rarest creatures! A Raine Artista Introvertus! This solitary creature is endemic to the Chaparral regions of Southern Coastal California, and we aren't quite sure what this one is doing so far out of that range, but the northerly climate does seem to affect its usual habits.
Every Autumn, this rare animal grows sluggish and begins to build a nest of blankets and other soft materials, only emerging periodically, often at night!
In Autumn, this subspecies of Artista uses its delicate fingers to locate Tylenol, antibiotics and other small prizes buried within nearby cupboards. It then retreats immediately to the safety of its nest! During the day, it can occasionally be enticed to sun itself briefly, in a warm place if lured by pizza, or fresh hot food it didn't have to cook.
I've been diagnosed with acute sinusitis and Silent Sinus Syndrome, for which I require surgery later. Meanwhile I subsist upon tylenol and such food as I can obtain via microwave.
Here we have one of nature's rarest creatures! A Raine Artista Introvertus! This solitary creature is endemic to the Chaparral regions of Southern Coastal California, and we aren't quite sure what this one is doing so far out of that range, but the northerly climate does seem to affect its usual habits.
Every Autumn, this rare animal grows sluggish and begins to build a nest of blankets and other soft materials, only emerging periodically, often at night!
In Autumn, this subspecies of Artista uses its delicate fingers to locate Tylenol, antibiotics and other small prizes buried within nearby cupboards. It then retreats immediately to the safety of its nest! During the day, it can occasionally be enticed to sun itself briefly, in a warm place if lured by pizza, or fresh hot food it didn't have to cook.
I've been diagnosed with acute sinusitis and Silent Sinus Syndrome, for which I require surgery later. Meanwhile I subsist upon tylenol and such food as I can obtain via microwave.
Monday, September 21, 2015
INTJ problems- Not Cold, Pressure Cooker.
I test out on the Myers- Briggs profile, professionally done, as an
INTJ/p. That is, I have some times when that last variable is a 50/50
split.
INJT are stereotyped as likely to be cold rational intuitive thinkers, blunt, honest, a bit socially awkward, and stuck kind of pretending to reactions they don’t feel in order to fit in.
All spot on,
except one thing.
I’m not cold. I’ve never been cold unless you mean like Dry Ice is cold. I am a kettle. I am boiling over. I am a slowly seething mass of rage that vents gently and constantly so it doesn’t explode. I am FULL of lots of emotions, lots of loves, lots of empathy for people I’ve never even met, depths of sorrows, lots of old resentments, LOTS of righteous wrath against willful hate.
I am largely full of rage. Yet I do not appear outwardly to have anger issues, and have almost never “taken it out” on someone. Never, in my adult life.
It’s not for lack of knowing how, either- I know a lot of very dangerous stuff including certain martial arts. Or for lack of really, really, wanting to.
Most of my family would be very surprised to learn that I am pretty constantly a roiling pressure cooker of wrath and rage…. under a knitted tea-cozy. “That’s my secret, Cap… I’m always angry.”
…crap. I’m growing up to be either Bruce Banner or Sam Vimes. That’s either really good or really bad.
I sublimate that rage so it never comes out. But I just don’t identify with this stereotype that INTJ people are cold and unfeeling. I have these vast oceans of feelings, not the least of which is this… Anger Thing.
INJT are stereotyped as likely to be cold rational intuitive thinkers, blunt, honest, a bit socially awkward, and stuck kind of pretending to reactions they don’t feel in order to fit in.
All spot on,
except one thing.
I’m not cold. I’ve never been cold unless you mean like Dry Ice is cold. I am a kettle. I am boiling over. I am a slowly seething mass of rage that vents gently and constantly so it doesn’t explode. I am FULL of lots of emotions, lots of loves, lots of empathy for people I’ve never even met, depths of sorrows, lots of old resentments, LOTS of righteous wrath against willful hate.
I am largely full of rage. Yet I do not appear outwardly to have anger issues, and have almost never “taken it out” on someone. Never, in my adult life.
It’s not for lack of knowing how, either- I know a lot of very dangerous stuff including certain martial arts. Or for lack of really, really, wanting to.
Most of my family would be very surprised to learn that I am pretty constantly a roiling pressure cooker of wrath and rage…. under a knitted tea-cozy. “That’s my secret, Cap… I’m always angry.”
…crap. I’m growing up to be either Bruce Banner or Sam Vimes. That’s either really good or really bad.
I sublimate that rage so it never comes out. But I just don’t identify with this stereotype that INTJ people are cold and unfeeling. I have these vast oceans of feelings, not the least of which is this… Anger Thing.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Thing about Aikido
People often will watch an Aikido demo and say, “Well it’s not realistic, you cooperated with him when he threw you!”
Hahaha, Of course I did!
My other option was to have my arm dislocated, possibly spiral-fractured (don’t google that), and then to land neck first on the ground with all of my body weight on top of my then-shattered vertebrae. Much safer to go along with it and roll.
Aikido “looks fake” because the people being tossed
protect themselves
from the consequences of having all their momentum hurled into the ground, along with squishy breakable anatomy.
We could resist More, yes, but it would have bad results. we often do try to resist a bit to help our partners practice against an unwilling opponent, but the result is pretty much the same- Wowican’tbendthatwayTHUD…Tap!Tap!
I promise you, if you learn to roll and fall correctly to protect your body, and then get a Sensei to show you some Aikido, you will see how effective it can be. Once your balance and momentum do not belong to you, you are hurtling through the air whether you like it or not. And then you’re on the ground wondering what the heck just happened. And all that happens in less than a second. It’s really, really FUN.
Hahaha, Of course I did!
My other option was to have my arm dislocated, possibly spiral-fractured (don’t google that), and then to land neck first on the ground with all of my body weight on top of my then-shattered vertebrae. Much safer to go along with it and roll.
Aikido “looks fake” because the people being tossed
protect themselves
from the consequences of having all their momentum hurled into the ground, along with squishy breakable anatomy.
We could resist More, yes, but it would have bad results. we often do try to resist a bit to help our partners practice against an unwilling opponent, but the result is pretty much the same- Wowican’tbendthatwayTHUD…Tap!Tap!
I promise you, if you learn to roll and fall correctly to protect your body, and then get a Sensei to show you some Aikido, you will see how effective it can be. Once your balance and momentum do not belong to you, you are hurtling through the air whether you like it or not. And then you’re on the ground wondering what the heck just happened. And all that happens in less than a second. It’s really, really FUN.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Smile, No One LIkes A Frown (rant)
And then that having a mate will make your medical condition vanish
And most general and universal is that “no one likes a sad face”
Everyone Knows
no one can love someone who isn’t cheerful.
Everyone Knows “Happiness is a choice” and if you can’t make yourself happy no one will love you,
Everyone Knows.
Everyone knows no one loves a sad face.
Everyone knows people love a smile.
So who will love someone with incurable Clinical Depression? I can choose to be peaceful in my low points. But I am a often medically unable to be really happy. Peace in acceptance is the best I can do some days.
Zen, attainment and goals
A friend asked me,“Do you think more goals come along after achieving
hyper-focused goals we’ve had for years? I’ve been chasing my goals so
long that I literally do not know what I would do once I achieve these
goals. I’m like a dog chasing cars- what would I ever do if I caught
one?”
Did you see the Disney film Tangled? We’re like Rapunzel. She had a dream to go see the lights. Along that journey, her experiences stacked up and built her into a new person, so that once she had seen the lights, she realized that seeking that goal had led her to a new goal.
You cannot make a new joy the one thing you set up to seek. A boy dreams of becoming a pilot but when he goes to flight school he finds out it is hard work. He perseveres because he wants to fly. When he does get his dream, he enjoys it for quite some time, and he always does enjoy it, but the novelty does wear off a little. Suddenly he discovers photography and uses his plane for aerial shots. He has a new dream to pursue.
To Seek Joy makes Joy a noun, a thing we can attain or lose. To Enjoy is a verb- it’s a thing we can keep doing over and over again. I think we can have more Joy in Verbs than in Nouns. I mean: A Thing is passing- Doing is continual.
A man and a woman fall blissfully in love and decide to get married. One morning she wakes up and realizes she no longer feels that “old thrill” about him, and she doesn’t feel the way she did when she married him. She is not “In Love”, but she thinks about how they care for each other, and decides she still loves him, and that she will continue to. She realizes Love as a Noun is a thing you can lose, but To Love as a Verb is something she can do. She talks to her husband, and he agrees- that “spark” is gone, but as they say, nothing lasts.. Should they quit their marriage because they lost a thing they had? They decide instead to find new “sparks.” They take a road trip together, do new activities, spend time together, and discover new ways they can love each other. They spend over 50 years discovering Loving as a Verb, discovering ever new horizons of caring and connection.
People who try to make one pivotal experience last forever and be their true satisfaction are often unhappy because they are trying to make a moment last forever. The true value of those moments is that they are rare and precious- that they do not last. Instead of despairing because we cannot make a moment last, we might find more joy in just savoring the moment. As we savor it, it becomes part of us, and even when it is over, we have it always.
Every joy we do not try to prolong artificially leads us to new joys.
What we grasp and cling at, we lose- what we let go of, we find we can keep forever.
(sourcing CS Lewis more than perhaps a little here, go read Mere Christianity or The Problem of Pain. )
Did you see the Disney film Tangled? We’re like Rapunzel. She had a dream to go see the lights. Along that journey, her experiences stacked up and built her into a new person, so that once she had seen the lights, she realized that seeking that goal had led her to a new goal.
You cannot make a new joy the one thing you set up to seek. A boy dreams of becoming a pilot but when he goes to flight school he finds out it is hard work. He perseveres because he wants to fly. When he does get his dream, he enjoys it for quite some time, and he always does enjoy it, but the novelty does wear off a little. Suddenly he discovers photography and uses his plane for aerial shots. He has a new dream to pursue.
To Seek Joy makes Joy a noun, a thing we can attain or lose. To Enjoy is a verb- it’s a thing we can keep doing over and over again. I think we can have more Joy in Verbs than in Nouns. I mean: A Thing is passing- Doing is continual.
A man and a woman fall blissfully in love and decide to get married. One morning she wakes up and realizes she no longer feels that “old thrill” about him, and she doesn’t feel the way she did when she married him. She is not “In Love”, but she thinks about how they care for each other, and decides she still loves him, and that she will continue to. She realizes Love as a Noun is a thing you can lose, but To Love as a Verb is something she can do. She talks to her husband, and he agrees- that “spark” is gone, but as they say, nothing lasts.. Should they quit their marriage because they lost a thing they had? They decide instead to find new “sparks.” They take a road trip together, do new activities, spend time together, and discover new ways they can love each other. They spend over 50 years discovering Loving as a Verb, discovering ever new horizons of caring and connection.
People who try to make one pivotal experience last forever and be their true satisfaction are often unhappy because they are trying to make a moment last forever. The true value of those moments is that they are rare and precious- that they do not last. Instead of despairing because we cannot make a moment last, we might find more joy in just savoring the moment. As we savor it, it becomes part of us, and even when it is over, we have it always.
Every joy we do not try to prolong artificially leads us to new joys.
What we grasp and cling at, we lose- what we let go of, we find we can keep forever.
(sourcing CS Lewis more than perhaps a little here, go read Mere Christianity or The Problem of Pain. )
Single life. (rant)
Being Single is not as fun as it seems. People hear that I am Single
and immediately respond with, “Whoohoo, single! You can Play the Field!”
Nope.
The Field… is barren, pal. When I say Single I don’t mean “unmarried and dating around and having wild girls’ nights out”,
I mean Alone.
Don’t say that kind of thing to Single people unless you know them VERY well.
Your well meaning insinuations that I am some kind of free, happy-go-lucky, party-animal because I am without a commitment, and assuming I clearly desire to be in such a state, is not helpful or asked-for. The fact that I have been unable, for years, to form meaningful relationships or even enter dialogue with potential mates is not something I care to discuss.
Nor do you get to make remarks about me having Standards Too High. Are you saying I should lower them and go out with the first man who’d notice me? Because I made the biggest mistake of my life that way once, and it’s not an option. I do not owe a guy attention just because he singles me out and says “I want that one”. I do get a say, here.
Nor am I “waiting for Prince Charming”. Many people would have me believe I am actively driving him away by getting on with my life. I don’t have time to wait for him if he exists.
Where was this Prince Charming when I was a child being harassed and bullied and abused by boys every day of my sad little school life? Where was this Prince Charming when I was young and looking for love? Where was this Prince Charming when I was failing out of college and could have used a rescue? Where was this Prince Charming when I was finding ways to move out of my parents’ house? Where was this Prince Charming when I was fighting the darkest demons imaginable? Where was this Prince Charming when I was being stalked, in fear for my life, fleeing my home?
They tell you Prince Charming is gonna save you from the monsters, and I believed them. Then all the Princes turned out to be the monsters- or just men.
I’m okay with the ones who are just men, but now I’ve fought off so many I can’t tell men from monsters anymore. So I’m alone.
I don’t want a Prince Charming. He doesn’t exist. I want a man. A humble, ordinary human man who isn’t there to sweep in and save me. I’d just like him to be …there.
The Field… is barren, pal. When I say Single I don’t mean “unmarried and dating around and having wild girls’ nights out”,
I mean Alone.
Don’t say that kind of thing to Single people unless you know them VERY well.
Your well meaning insinuations that I am some kind of free, happy-go-lucky, party-animal because I am without a commitment, and assuming I clearly desire to be in such a state, is not helpful or asked-for. The fact that I have been unable, for years, to form meaningful relationships or even enter dialogue with potential mates is not something I care to discuss.
Nor do you get to make remarks about me having Standards Too High. Are you saying I should lower them and go out with the first man who’d notice me? Because I made the biggest mistake of my life that way once, and it’s not an option. I do not owe a guy attention just because he singles me out and says “I want that one”. I do get a say, here.
Nor am I “waiting for Prince Charming”. Many people would have me believe I am actively driving him away by getting on with my life. I don’t have time to wait for him if he exists.
Where was this Prince Charming when I was a child being harassed and bullied and abused by boys every day of my sad little school life? Where was this Prince Charming when I was young and looking for love? Where was this Prince Charming when I was failing out of college and could have used a rescue? Where was this Prince Charming when I was finding ways to move out of my parents’ house? Where was this Prince Charming when I was fighting the darkest demons imaginable? Where was this Prince Charming when I was being stalked, in fear for my life, fleeing my home?
They tell you Prince Charming is gonna save you from the monsters, and I believed them. Then all the Princes turned out to be the monsters- or just men.
I’m okay with the ones who are just men, but now I’ve fought off so many I can’t tell men from monsters anymore. So I’m alone.
I don’t want a Prince Charming. He doesn’t exist. I want a man. A humble, ordinary human man who isn’t there to sweep in and save me. I’d just like him to be …there.
White/Xwayaat
I am what most people would call bi-racial. I come from many
ethnicities and histories, but my two major cultures are UK-Celtic
“White”,
and on the other side of the family I am very much Native American.
I have very pale skin, and outwardly show no signs of Native heritage but some subtle bone structuring and the thick, nearly black hair of our tribe. Everyone assumes I am “White”.
But the people who give me the most grief about how pale my skin is
who harass me every time I wear a swimsuit,
with “jokes” and cries of pretending to be blinded by my “undesirable”, “gross”, “ugly” whiteness,
who constantly insist I should be trying to tan more
so I stop being SOOOO pale
are other “White” people.
and on the other side of the family I am very much Native American.
I have very pale skin, and outwardly show no signs of Native heritage but some subtle bone structuring and the thick, nearly black hair of our tribe. Everyone assumes I am “White”.
But the people who give me the most grief about how pale my skin is
who harass me every time I wear a swimsuit,
with “jokes” and cries of pretending to be blinded by my “undesirable”, “gross”, “ugly” whiteness,
who constantly insist I should be trying to tan more
so I stop being SOOOO pale
are other “White” people.
Post-dated post: 4th of July Rant
I hate living in a state where anyone can get their hands on fireworks.
Excuse me while I spend the next 48 hours in a state of hypervigilance due to startle response, and stifling bad Firestorm ‘03 Trauma-flashbacks from the smell of ashes and sulfur and plastics burning.
*off to huddle under heavy blanket and weep softly*
I don’t think I Love My Country. I wish I lived in a place that celebrated things with music, or concerts, or folk dances, or candle vigils. Instead of Explosives.
Excuse me while I spend the next 48 hours in a state of hypervigilance due to startle response, and stifling bad Firestorm ‘03 Trauma-flashbacks from the smell of ashes and sulfur and plastics burning.
*off to huddle under heavy blanket and weep softly*
I don’t think I Love My Country. I wish I lived in a place that celebrated things with music, or concerts, or folk dances, or candle vigils. Instead of Explosives.
Aikido and Grief
Jul 8. 2015
I had to let my darling dog go “Home” this last week. It was hard for me, but she was losing her ability to do all the things she wanted to do, and her body was quitting on her. She was already aching most of the time, so we let her go before she started to really suffer. I think I’m handling it as best as can be expected. I had a while to get used to the idea and really adjust to it as a huge change in my life. Funny thing was, Aikido helped me through it.
I had told Sensei I might not be at our session on Thursday because that morning we were putting my dear dog ‘to sleep’. He understood and was very kind and sympathetic.
So when I showed up on Thursday afternoon, he raised his eyebrows and said, “I thought you weren’t going come to practice today!”
And I said, “At first I wasn’t going to be here, because I knew how much I’d be dealing with… Then I realized that that’s exactly why I needed to be here.”
He nodded. “That’s right.” Just before he turned away I saw his grin. I think he was trying not to show too much of how proud he was that this week I had grasped a part of Aikido Zen.
I had to let my darling dog go “Home” this last week. It was hard for me, but she was losing her ability to do all the things she wanted to do, and her body was quitting on her. She was already aching most of the time, so we let her go before she started to really suffer. I think I’m handling it as best as can be expected. I had a while to get used to the idea and really adjust to it as a huge change in my life. Funny thing was, Aikido helped me through it.
I had told Sensei I might not be at our session on Thursday because that morning we were putting my dear dog ‘to sleep’. He understood and was very kind and sympathetic.
So when I showed up on Thursday afternoon, he raised his eyebrows and said, “I thought you weren’t going come to practice today!”
And I said, “At first I wasn’t going to be here, because I knew how much I’d be dealing with… Then I realized that that’s exactly why I needed to be here.”
He nodded. “That’s right.” Just before he turned away I saw his grin. I think he was trying not to show too much of how proud he was that this week I had grasped a part of Aikido Zen.
Smile and Nod- Advice for the over-educated
..So often the best policy. Especially when you know stuff no one else needs to know.
Person:
“OMG we totally picked the perfect name for our baby, because I looked it up, and this baby name book says it means " Gift from Heaven”!
Me, internally:
OWCH. Ah, No. No it doesn’t.
You gave your daughter a name nicely following two rather popular trends right now, the “UK Surname As a Firstname” trend, and the “Girl named with a syllable ending the in the fashionable, feminine-associeted -ey sound, like Ashley and Brittany” trend.
But it does not mean anything even slightly like Heavenly Gift, it’s a Locative Surname given to tell people where someone was from. It’s just the name of a town, which was in turn named after a geographic feature or famous historical event.
Now, I know whatever name you give your beloved child will forever mean Her, to you, but linguistically and in reality that name does not remotely mean Heaven’s Precious Gift, it means, “This one town in Lancashire with some white trees near it.”
Baby name books lie to you to make you feel good and buy their book.
If the actual linguistic Meaning of a name matters to you for everyone’s sake please do your research….
Me, Outwardly:
*Smile and Nod* Oh, that’s nice.
Sometimes, it's best to keep your mouth shut. Everyone's happier.
Person:
“OMG we totally picked the perfect name for our baby, because I looked it up, and this baby name book says it means " Gift from Heaven”!
Me, internally:
OWCH. Ah, No. No it doesn’t.
You gave your daughter a name nicely following two rather popular trends right now, the “UK Surname As a Firstname” trend, and the “Girl named with a syllable ending the in the fashionable, feminine-associeted -ey sound, like Ashley and Brittany” trend.
But it does not mean anything even slightly like Heavenly Gift, it’s a Locative Surname given to tell people where someone was from. It’s just the name of a town, which was in turn named after a geographic feature or famous historical event.
Now, I know whatever name you give your beloved child will forever mean Her, to you, but linguistically and in reality that name does not remotely mean Heaven’s Precious Gift, it means, “This one town in Lancashire with some white trees near it.”
Baby name books lie to you to make you feel good and buy their book.
If the actual linguistic Meaning of a name matters to you for everyone’s sake please do your research….
Me, Outwardly:
*Smile and Nod* Oh, that’s nice.
Sometimes, it's best to keep your mouth shut. Everyone's happier.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)