"Oh, yeah, I was depressed once. I was so sad I couldn't go to this great concert that I stayed in my room for, like, three days."
Traumatic as that maybe, I'm sure, it's not Depression. People can feel sad for what they think is a long time without having depression.
Sadness is when your life is difficult.
Mourning is when you lose someone or something you love and you go through a long process of the emotional effects of your loss.
Depression is when, even if your life is fantastic, multifigure salary, great car, easy job, you can't FEEL anything BUT emptiness or misery or pain.
Having money does not solve it.
Other people do not solve it.
Positive Thinking and getting told to Snap Out of It or Just Keep Trying Harder does not solve it.
Even the wonderful things you used to enjoy doing take effort and will you no longer have. Some people lose the will to live. You physically cannot experience sustained contentment or happiness.
To someone who is Depressed, Do NOT say:
Can't you just quit being so selfish? (Depressed people are often lonely and want a connection with other people)
Well, set your alarm, and just get yourself out of bed!
Power on through it, yeah? You gotta keep trying harder and it'll go away. Try not to be so miserable.(You would never say this to a person with cancer, would you?)
You're not fun to be with anymore. (Or this?)
You're only hurting yourself. You're missing out on so many wonderful things in life! (As if they are doing it on purpose, or need to be told how much joy other people can have that they can't.)
Have you tried yoga/prozac/not being depressed? (Helpful suggestions are rarely helpful, and there is no magic pill to make it just vanish.)
If you exercised more you'd be fine. (While activity releases endorphins, this is not helpful to someone who barely has the will to get up each day and move about, let alone go work out, alone in their mental emptiness)
If you don't get your act together, how are you ever going to get a date/be there for your spouse/raise children? (People with mental illnesses are well aware of what impact that has on their relationships in life. Trust me, they don't need reminders of their loneliness and the social stigma they have to live with.)
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Life's not fair. It isn't all about you. There's always someone worse off than you are. (Other than accusing the person of low moral character, these words accomplish nothing.)
If you'd just take my advice and ----- you'd do so much better! (You're probably not a psychologist and odds are good you do not understand what this person is going through completely enough to give them a simple cure.)
You're at a party/with friends/with family, can't you be happy? Don't you love us?
It's your own fault, you know.
You do this to yourself.
People with Depression have to hear these kinds of things every day from their own inner demons as well as friends and relatives. Don't add to their pain by "helping" like this.
What to say if you CARE about someone who has Depression:
I'm here for you.
Even though I don't understand what you're going through, I'm going to stick with you.
I won't give up on you.
Is there anything I can do for you to help you? (DON"T SAY IT UNLESS YOU MEAN IT. They may need help that is not convenient or easy, like handling chores at their house, or having you watch their kids or pet for a little while)
Do you want to just come over and spend some time here with me? No strings attached. (Sometimes a depressed person doesn't need hugs, or advice, but just someone else around who cares.)
When this is over I'll be here, and so will you. I know you can hang on through this, even though it hurts.
You're not going crazy.
You don't need to worry that your pain might hurt or offend me. I understand this is nobody's fault.
You are important to me, and I just wanted to take a moment to see if you're doing okay.
What you are going through is not just an inconvenience to me. I don't mind making a little time for you.
I care about you.
I don't have to understand it to know that it hurts you, and I'll be here for you.
People with depression don't need very much. They don't need coaching from you, or clever solutions, or for you to try to fix a problem that you cannot fix. They need a few minutes of your time, to know you care, to know you are willing to be there for them as just an anchor and support. Don't try to fix them, just support them, and sometimes help them get help from qualified sources. Most of all, Be there, with empathy and compassion.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
In which I Try to Get Life Back in Line: Labor Day.
I feel like I'm always playing catch-up, juggling every day to try to get to birthdays, events, dinners, bills, taxes, vacations, obligations, all around my work hours, and somehow in between find time for the art that keeps me sane. I want family time and friend time, but I also have obligations and money-things like taxes and not-fun stuff like bills and rent and managing worky stuff.
I have a new job of sorts and I am in love with it even though it's demanding- I work at a local Motion Picture Studio now, and they are doing a series of episodes from the New Testament.
I am an Art Dept. Go-to, which is like a go-fer but more productive. It means that my boss decorates the set and he needs stuff for it, and if he doesn't have time to have someone else make the stuff, he comes to me and says, "Can you make me this?" and I say, "Yep, I can do that!", which is my arting motto. So far he has liked my work *squee* which is for me a huge thing because if he likes my stuff I've done, they will likely call me in for other projects too, and I will get to keep working there. Every day is a new challenge, and it's something I've inadvertently trained for since High School- limited time, limited materials, and a need for a certain outcome and historical look, Go! I am an expert at this! Making do and getting results from faked or limited material is what I do best! I am so ridiculously happy to have everything I've been doing with my art and reenactment for these last few years suddenly have work application! I have realized I want to do this the rest of my life.
...Which leaves me in a quandary as to my education. I want a degree, but in what? My nascent career in the Entertainment industry hardly requires a degree- in fact they could care less. They require results, talent, speed, reliability and ability, not a certificate saying I'm really good at writing educated papers. I know a degree is more than that, but if you can't write educated papers to specific formats, you No Can Haz, no matter how frickin brilliant you are. I am wondering if a traditional degree is even possible for me. Between my autistic tendencies in learning and communication and my anxiety and depression that totally screwed me academically, I don't know. I feel this driving idiotic lifelong need to Get A Degree so that society will see me as educated and worth employing, but the only people I want to employ me don't give a flying fart whether I have one or not. Argh.
I have a new job of sorts and I am in love with it even though it's demanding- I work at a local Motion Picture Studio now, and they are doing a series of episodes from the New Testament.
I am an Art Dept. Go-to, which is like a go-fer but more productive. It means that my boss decorates the set and he needs stuff for it, and if he doesn't have time to have someone else make the stuff, he comes to me and says, "Can you make me this?" and I say, "Yep, I can do that!", which is my arting motto. So far he has liked my work *squee* which is for me a huge thing because if he likes my stuff I've done, they will likely call me in for other projects too, and I will get to keep working there. Every day is a new challenge, and it's something I've inadvertently trained for since High School- limited time, limited materials, and a need for a certain outcome and historical look, Go! I am an expert at this! Making do and getting results from faked or limited material is what I do best! I am so ridiculously happy to have everything I've been doing with my art and reenactment for these last few years suddenly have work application! I have realized I want to do this the rest of my life.
...Which leaves me in a quandary as to my education. I want a degree, but in what? My nascent career in the Entertainment industry hardly requires a degree- in fact they could care less. They require results, talent, speed, reliability and ability, not a certificate saying I'm really good at writing educated papers. I know a degree is more than that, but if you can't write educated papers to specific formats, you No Can Haz, no matter how frickin brilliant you are. I am wondering if a traditional degree is even possible for me. Between my autistic tendencies in learning and communication and my anxiety and depression that totally screwed me academically, I don't know. I feel this driving idiotic lifelong need to Get A Degree so that society will see me as educated and worth employing, but the only people I want to employ me don't give a flying fart whether I have one or not. Argh.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Raine's Rules for the Internet
Raine's Rules for the Internet
#1. Do not have personal arguments in ANY public venue. Facebookers, take note.
Personal Messages are for personal issues. Walls, boards and forums are for public discussion. Anything you post there is as private as a screaming match in a crowded mall or plaza. Posts about STDs, medical details, petty arguments, sniping comments about your ex, rude opinions intended to be abrasive, overly pointed political comments, etc, make you look like a fool.
#2. Unless grammatically needed, CAPS LOCK = SHOUTING. JAHWOHL!
THE ONLY PERSON I COULD IMAGINE POSTING EVERYTHING IN CAPS WOULD BE DER FUHRER. SIG HEIL. SIG DON’T DO IT.
#3. Do nt type ne publik post leik ths. Unlez dis is ho u tak in real life, dis is only ok n text mssgin as a way 2 save time.
Unless that’s how you sound in reality, don’t make yourself sound ridiculous on the internet. U is a letter. Ur was a city in ancient Sumeria. Dis is a supposed city in Hell according to certain dogmas. Please use decent attempts at spelling and grammar. People will think of you as clear and intelligent. “You’re” means You Are. “Your” means is belongs to you. End of story.
#4 Do not forward chain mail/letters/messages.
Unless you’re in Fourth Grade, do not forward chain letters. You force other people to delete unwanted stuff from their inboxes or walls. It’s pretty much the equivalent of having your dog crap on the lawn of every single person you know.
(If you’re reading this and you are in Fourth Grade, what the heck are you doing online? The internet is no place for children without a parent sitting right next to them. Parents: If you wouldn’t let your kid wander alone through New York City, they’re probably not old enough to wander alone on the internet either.)
#5. TANSTAFL. There Ain’t No Such Thing As Free Lunch. It’s as true on the internet as it is in real life.
You are not the millionth visitor, you did not win a free iPad, or a free car, nobody in Nigeria wants to send you a million dollars, nor is any link you’re given with the promise of free stuff a safe thing, no Suburban Mom makes 7,000 dollars a week with this easy plan, there is no miracle berry diet, you cannot flatten your belly or whiten your teeth with one easy strange old tip, nobody will send you free stuff or job opportunities if you give them your Social Security Number and bank account, and nobody is selling solid gold watches for a dollar apiece. “Daddy, I’ve got cider in my ear.”
#6. Safe Search, Parental Settings, Antivirus software, and Spam filters. Use. Them. What you may see cannot be unseen.
If any combination of words involves a noun or a verb, there is already extremely explicit pornography of it on the internet. I guarantee this. Do not test it. Don't.
Curiosity didn’t kill the cat- It took the cat’s innocence, coated it in spandex, glitter and black vinyl, beat it to a bloody, horrified pulp, tarred it, feathered it, doused it with kerosene and set it on fire. I didn’t invent this rule, nor have I bothered to test it, because I like my mind unscarred and functioning. Do not test this rule if you value your brain. Just know it is true.
When using a Search Engine, for the love of innocence and sanity keep your Safe Search filter ON. I sound dramatic but this is no joking matter.
#1. Do not have personal arguments in ANY public venue. Facebookers, take note.
Personal Messages are for personal issues. Walls, boards and forums are for public discussion. Anything you post there is as private as a screaming match in a crowded mall or plaza. Posts about STDs, medical details, petty arguments, sniping comments about your ex, rude opinions intended to be abrasive, overly pointed political comments, etc, make you look like a fool.
#2. Unless grammatically needed, CAPS LOCK = SHOUTING. JAHWOHL!
THE ONLY PERSON I COULD IMAGINE POSTING EVERYTHING IN CAPS WOULD BE DER FUHRER. SIG HEIL. SIG DON’T DO IT.
#3. Do nt type ne publik post leik ths. Unlez dis is ho u tak in real life, dis is only ok n text mssgin as a way 2 save time.
Unless that’s how you sound in reality, don’t make yourself sound ridiculous on the internet. U is a letter. Ur was a city in ancient Sumeria. Dis is a supposed city in Hell according to certain dogmas. Please use decent attempts at spelling and grammar. People will think of you as clear and intelligent. “You’re” means You Are. “Your” means is belongs to you. End of story.
#4 Do not forward chain mail/letters/messages.
Unless you’re in Fourth Grade, do not forward chain letters. You force other people to delete unwanted stuff from their inboxes or walls. It’s pretty much the equivalent of having your dog crap on the lawn of every single person you know.
(If you’re reading this and you are in Fourth Grade, what the heck are you doing online? The internet is no place for children without a parent sitting right next to them. Parents: If you wouldn’t let your kid wander alone through New York City, they’re probably not old enough to wander alone on the internet either.)
#5. TANSTAFL. There Ain’t No Such Thing As Free Lunch. It’s as true on the internet as it is in real life.
You are not the millionth visitor, you did not win a free iPad, or a free car, nobody in Nigeria wants to send you a million dollars, nor is any link you’re given with the promise of free stuff a safe thing, no Suburban Mom makes 7,000 dollars a week with this easy plan, there is no miracle berry diet, you cannot flatten your belly or whiten your teeth with one easy strange old tip, nobody will send you free stuff or job opportunities if you give them your Social Security Number and bank account, and nobody is selling solid gold watches for a dollar apiece. “Daddy, I’ve got cider in my ear.”
#6. Safe Search, Parental Settings, Antivirus software, and Spam filters. Use. Them. What you may see cannot be unseen.
If any combination of words involves a noun or a verb, there is already extremely explicit pornography of it on the internet. I guarantee this. Do not test it. Don't.
Curiosity didn’t kill the cat- It took the cat’s innocence, coated it in spandex, glitter and black vinyl, beat it to a bloody, horrified pulp, tarred it, feathered it, doused it with kerosene and set it on fire. I didn’t invent this rule, nor have I bothered to test it, because I like my mind unscarred and functioning. Do not test this rule if you value your brain. Just know it is true.
When using a Search Engine, for the love of innocence and sanity keep your Safe Search filter ON. I sound dramatic but this is no joking matter.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
In Which I Have My Own Space Again, and All I Wanna Do Is Art
Phoo.
I'm supposed to be making phone calls of great import, and scheduling more family vacation arrangements, (Yes, I just got back from one, but this year we seem to have several. I like them, I just don't know what I'm going to do with so many of them- They're like pies. Awesome and fun, but more than one of them and you start wondering if you have room left in the metaphorical fridge of mental capacity.) but all I want to do is art, now that I finally have space to do it again.
I can't think very well lately. I can't seem to keep ideas in my head unless they are art ideas. I need to go shopping for food but I don't quite want to because I haven't showered yet because I was going to do that after walking the dog which I slept in too late to do this morning so I have to do that this afternoon and then run laundry while I walk the dog and see if Mom has the phone number to that one doctor I was supposed to call...
and all I want to do is put up sets and take pictures here in my apartment.
I feel like the world is moving too fast for me. If only I could stop time, so the people leaving me would not leave, the people wanting me to go places would not need to be in a hurry to go, and I could sit for a day or two and just Do Art. If only life were so simple.
I'm supposed to be making phone calls of great import, and scheduling more family vacation arrangements, (Yes, I just got back from one, but this year we seem to have several. I like them, I just don't know what I'm going to do with so many of them- They're like pies. Awesome and fun, but more than one of them and you start wondering if you have room left in the metaphorical fridge of mental capacity.) but all I want to do is art, now that I finally have space to do it again.
I can't think very well lately. I can't seem to keep ideas in my head unless they are art ideas. I need to go shopping for food but I don't quite want to because I haven't showered yet because I was going to do that after walking the dog which I slept in too late to do this morning so I have to do that this afternoon and then run laundry while I walk the dog and see if Mom has the phone number to that one doctor I was supposed to call...
and all I want to do is put up sets and take pictures here in my apartment.
I feel like the world is moving too fast for me. If only I could stop time, so the people leaving me would not leave, the people wanting me to go places would not need to be in a hurry to go, and I could sit for a day or two and just Do Art. If only life were so simple.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
In Which It's Never as Bad as I Think it Will be, and I Make Changes
Almost never is.
After I've gone and done something, I get so worked up into a nervous knot over what someone will think, and then I get to standing there in front of them and it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I imagine this cloud of disapproval and disappointment. I think I'm terrified of being a disappointment. I have this hunger for pleased approval. Do I think I don't get enough of that or something?
I am making some changes. I have signed a lease to a new apartment of my very own. I have also cut my hair short again. It was rather long, and just today I had it cut to very short- Almost a pixie cut. I've had this haircut a few times before, and I like it an awful lot. It makes me look cute and capricious. Younger. More my age.
I'm all set to have myself a Quarter life crisis. The idea is starting to sink in: I'm turning 25. No longer just-after-20. Officially "Older" for an LDS single girl. In this culture, especially here in the Rockies, girls get married on average between 20 and 23. Some hang on a little longer, some earlier. When you get to around 24, 25, people start to get the Look. The look that says they nod and ask, "so, you went on a mission?"(instead of getting married, that must be why you're still single, right?) or "So, still looking for Mister Right?" (Because you must be awful picky since you haven't found a guy good enough for you yet) Or the "Oh, she's just not married Yet, but she has a Sweet Spirit!" (read: Is a good person who is mentally retarded, socially unlovely or inept, other deficiencies physical or mental)
If we're going to be literal, yes, I am one of those "Sweet Spirit" people. I do in fact have medically documented issues that add to me being terribly insecure about the whole dating thing, because I've seen how the LDS culture (NOT the religion, the Culture, which is a separate thing) treats the mentally ill or people who aren't normal. With fondness, pity, compassion, but not thoughts of romance or eternal partnership.
At what point in a relationship do you tell someone about your real problems, beyond daily frustrations and into issues that are likely to be a deal-breaker for most guys looking for sturdy stable eternal relationships?
Maybe this is too personal and will get edited later. I just needed to say it somewhere, I guess.
Hopefully, it's Not as Bad as I think it will be. I'm more or less ready to try trusting people and maybe dating again. We'll see.
After I've gone and done something, I get so worked up into a nervous knot over what someone will think, and then I get to standing there in front of them and it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I imagine this cloud of disapproval and disappointment. I think I'm terrified of being a disappointment. I have this hunger for pleased approval. Do I think I don't get enough of that or something?
I am making some changes. I have signed a lease to a new apartment of my very own. I have also cut my hair short again. It was rather long, and just today I had it cut to very short- Almost a pixie cut. I've had this haircut a few times before, and I like it an awful lot. It makes me look cute and capricious. Younger. More my age.
I'm all set to have myself a Quarter life crisis. The idea is starting to sink in: I'm turning 25. No longer just-after-20. Officially "Older" for an LDS single girl. In this culture, especially here in the Rockies, girls get married on average between 20 and 23. Some hang on a little longer, some earlier. When you get to around 24, 25, people start to get the Look. The look that says they nod and ask, "so, you went on a mission?"(instead of getting married, that must be why you're still single, right?) or "So, still looking for Mister Right?" (Because you must be awful picky since you haven't found a guy good enough for you yet) Or the "Oh, she's just not married Yet, but she has a Sweet Spirit!" (read: Is a good person who is mentally retarded, socially unlovely or inept, other deficiencies physical or mental)
If we're going to be literal, yes, I am one of those "Sweet Spirit" people. I do in fact have medically documented issues that add to me being terribly insecure about the whole dating thing, because I've seen how the LDS culture (NOT the religion, the Culture, which is a separate thing) treats the mentally ill or people who aren't normal. With fondness, pity, compassion, but not thoughts of romance or eternal partnership.
At what point in a relationship do you tell someone about your real problems, beyond daily frustrations and into issues that are likely to be a deal-breaker for most guys looking for sturdy stable eternal relationships?
Maybe this is too personal and will get edited later. I just needed to say it somewhere, I guess.
Hopefully, it's Not as Bad as I think it will be. I'm more or less ready to try trusting people and maybe dating again. We'll see.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
(Almost) Daily Pearls of Wit, 5/24
Courtesy of my little brain:
"This internet connection. I hate it so much.
It's like a camel with a death grudge and a shot knee."
" I rerouted any accounts I have to a different system now. What a hacker may have thought was a whole-checking-account heist becomes the equivalent of a mothballed purse with a few crumpled dollars and subway ticket."
"The pinky is not strong enough for much use. All it does is seal off your grip if you grasp, say, a bar. And it makes you look elegant gesturing or drinking tea."
"This internet connection. I hate it so much.
It's like a camel with a death grudge and a shot knee."
" I rerouted any accounts I have to a different system now. What a hacker may have thought was a whole-checking-account heist becomes the equivalent of a mothballed purse with a few crumpled dollars and subway ticket."
"The pinky is not strong enough for much use. All it does is seal off your grip if you grasp, say, a bar. And it makes you look elegant gesturing or drinking tea."
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
In Which I Set Priorities
I'd rather be accepted than corrected.
I'd rather be loved than helped.
I'd rather be listened to than instructed.
I'd rather have love and security than order and structure.
I'd rather feel safe than well-adjusted.
I'd rather be cared about than looked after.
I'd rather be happy than be productive.
I'd rather feel peaceful than successful.
I'd rather be with a few people I like than a lot of people I have to pretend to like.
I'd rather say what I feel than lie and make polite conversation.
I'd rather be honest than walk on eggshells.
I'd rather feel safe and accepted than feel accomplished and productive.
I'd rather be loved than helped.
I'd rather be loved than helped.
I'd rather be listened to than instructed.
I'd rather have love and security than order and structure.
I'd rather feel safe than well-adjusted.
I'd rather be cared about than looked after.
I'd rather be happy than be productive.
I'd rather feel peaceful than successful.
I'd rather be with a few people I like than a lot of people I have to pretend to like.
I'd rather say what I feel than lie and make polite conversation.
I'd rather be honest than walk on eggshells.
I'd rather feel safe and accepted than feel accomplished and productive.
I'd rather be loved than helped.
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