"Oh, yeah, I was depressed once. I was so sad I couldn't go to this great concert that I stayed in my room for, like, three days."
Traumatic as that maybe, I'm sure, it's not Depression. People can feel sad for what they think is a long time without having depression.
Sadness is when your life is difficult.
Mourning is when you lose someone or something you love and you go through a long process of the emotional effects of your loss.
Depression is when, even if your life is fantastic, multifigure salary, great car, easy job, you can't FEEL anything BUT emptiness or misery or pain.
Having money does not solve it.
Other people do not solve it.
Positive Thinking and getting told to Snap Out of It or Just Keep Trying Harder does not solve it.
Even the wonderful things you used to enjoy doing take effort and will you no longer have. Some people lose the will to live. You physically cannot experience sustained contentment or happiness.
To someone who is Depressed, Do NOT say:
Can't you just quit being so selfish? (Depressed people are often lonely and want a connection with other people)
Well, set your alarm, and just get yourself out of bed!
Power on through it, yeah? You gotta keep trying harder and it'll go away. Try not to be so miserable.(You would never say this to a person with cancer, would you?)
You're not fun to be with anymore. (Or this?)
You're only hurting yourself. You're missing out on so many wonderful things in life! (As if they are doing it on purpose, or need to be told how much joy other people can have that they can't.)
Have you tried yoga/prozac/not being depressed? (Helpful suggestions are rarely helpful, and there is no magic pill to make it just vanish.)
If you exercised more you'd be fine. (While activity releases endorphins, this is not helpful to someone who barely has the will to get up each day and move about, let alone go work out, alone in their mental emptiness)
If you don't get your act together, how are you ever going to get a date/be there for your spouse/raise children? (People with mental illnesses are well aware of what impact that has on their relationships in life. Trust me, they don't need reminders of their loneliness and the social stigma they have to live with.)
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Life's not fair. It isn't all about you. There's always someone worse off than you are. (Other than accusing the person of low moral character, these words accomplish nothing.)
If you'd just take my advice and ----- you'd do so much better! (You're probably not a psychologist and odds are good you do not understand what this person is going through completely enough to give them a simple cure.)
You're at a party/with friends/with family, can't you be happy? Don't you love us?
It's your own fault, you know.
You do this to yourself.
People with Depression have to hear these kinds of things every day from their own inner demons as well as friends and relatives. Don't add to their pain by "helping" like this.
What to say if you CARE about someone who has Depression:
I'm here for you.
Even though I don't understand what you're going through, I'm going to stick with you.
I won't give up on you.
Is there anything I can do for you to help you? (DON"T SAY IT UNLESS YOU MEAN IT. They may need help that is not convenient or easy, like handling chores at their house, or having you watch their kids or pet for a little while)
Do you want to just come over and spend some time here with me? No strings attached. (Sometimes a depressed person doesn't need hugs, or advice, but just someone else around who cares.)
When this is over I'll be here, and so will you. I know you can hang on through this, even though it hurts.
You're not going crazy.
You don't need to worry that your pain might hurt or offend me. I understand this is nobody's fault.
You are important to me, and I just wanted to take a moment to see if you're doing okay.
What you are going through is not just an inconvenience to me. I don't mind making a little time for you.
I care about you.
I don't have to understand it to know that it hurts you, and I'll be here for you.
People with depression don't need very much. They don't need coaching from you, or clever solutions, or for you to try to fix a problem that you cannot fix. They need a few minutes of your time, to know you care, to know you are willing to be there for them as just an anchor and support. Don't try to fix them, just support them, and sometimes help them get help from qualified sources. Most of all, Be there, with empathy and compassion.
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