Martial Arts: Why I don't Kiap

A Kiai or Kiap is a shout you traditionally make in martial arts in order to give your motions more power, draw a bit more energy into your movements, distract the opponent or just focus your mind. However, I do not hardly ever use them. Most people will be awkward using them because they feel like it's embarrassing or sounds silly. There are lots of people who feel uncomfortable making those weird sounds.

I have “problems” with this myself, but for other reasons. I can either focus on making a noise, or I can focus on what I am doing. I cannot seem to do both. I hate making loud random noises.

Probably because I really hate loud random noises. And I call it “problems” because it isn’t something I am choosing to “fix”.

Being Autistic impacts martial arts study in so many ways. I have serious hypersensitivity that means sharp loud noises hurt me. I have a problem with my flight or fight response that makes me seriously hate being startled. I don’t like the sensation of being slapped in the ear that a sharp noise gives, and I don’t like it when people shout near or at me. 

Being autistic, I spent most of my life smiling when people tell me to smile, saying what society tells me to say, moving the way I am supposed to move, laughing when I’m supposed to laugh, speaking when I’m supposed to speak. Say this. Now say that. Say this to her. Say that to him. Good girl. Good girl says what she is supposed to say. Say the words.

Life has been about doing things that cause me distress, fear or pain because they are little gestures other people will appreciate. Shaking hands when my hands are easily hurt. Hugging when I can’t stand to be touched and panic to be trapped against someone else. Clapping on days when sharp noises hurt. Every day I do something or many things that are upsetting for me because it’s what other people expect of me. Ever since my family has become more aware of this, they appreciate when I put myself through things that are painful for me, like concert performances, in order to show support for them the same way other people would. They support me through my problems with these things and are deeply grateful when they can see I am doing something difficult for me in order to show my love for them.

So: I hope people can see that it’s more than just me being stubborn when I say I will not shout just because it is traditional or helpful *to everyone else* to shout.

I am not like everyone else. That’s the truth of the matter. I am not going to pretend that I am. I am an exception. I accept that. It doesn’t make me better  or more “special” than anyone else, but I am DONE pretending I am like everyone else. 

(Insert commenter with well-meaning “everybody is different” speech here, rebutted by actual diagnosis and brain scans, and moving on. Autistic people are people but they are not Like Everyone Else in some very significant ways. It’s just the scientific truth.)

Martial arts, for me, is about me finally being the one who is deciding what my body does and what I do. It’s about me deciding, for once in my life, when I will speak and when I will be silent. 

Until forced, I will not shout. I decide now when I make the obligatory gesture which pleases others but causes me pain, and when I do what is safe, comfortable and right for me.

So if someone you train with will not shout, see if they are comfortable telling you why. Maybe they have a reason about shyness, or things they’ve been through, or they worry about looking foolish. Or maybe they are like me, making a choice because they have finally learned how to own their bodies and choose for themselves whether they will do a thing that is painful to them.

walkies

I love my dog…. but I love my bed. But I love my dog more.

She needs walkies. I treasure our walkies together. But but butbutbut…. BED. Augh I did not get enough sleep. 

Come, fluffy cute thing, we shall walk together. 

And so you know what I mean, this is the dog in question:

I mean how could you not want to play with her forever?

Maddie is a 15 yr old American Eskimo Dog, which is a German breed formerly known as Spitz. Their name got changed when we went to war with Germany. The breed has less than nothing to do with the Inuit people.

She is 15, yes. Years, not months. Her breed looks like a Samoyed puppy their whole lives. It’s stinking adorable.

Her closest relatives are the other Spitz dogs of NW Europe, like the Pomeranian, the Schipperke, the Finnish Spitz and the Samoyed. If you’ve ever wanted a Husky/sled dog breed, but do not want 80 + lbs of powerful adult sled dog, the Eskie is a good bet. Just be ready for being very firmly The Boss of The Dog or they will turn into a nasty lil’ tyrant, and for OH CRAP THAT’S A LOT OF FUR. 

Minor epiphanies (warning, sexually motivated violence discussed)

I kind of gave another Martial Arts friend, who is Male, a minor epiphany earlier this last year.

"Look, there is a difference: How and Why a statistically probable attacker comes at you ( A Male) is not going to be the same as how and why he comes at me ( A Female). 

Statistically, if a guy attacks you, he’ll be some dude you don’t know, and it’s because he wants to start a fight- It’s a male dominance thing. There’ll be a bit of posturing and he’ll do the come at me bro thing, or he’ll be telling you to give him your wallet. 

On the other hand, statistically, when I (female) am attacked it will be someone I know and it will be sexually motivated. He won’t be aiming primarily to  damage me or take my money, he’ll be aiming to drag me somewhere, control my body position and ability to escape, and try to touch or rape me, then probably murder me to keep me from talking. 

The techniques I use are learned with this mindset. You’re defending your wallet and your ribs and face. I am defending my body and my Being from violation. A guy who grabs you wants to hit you a few times and take your stuff. A guy who grabs me, I have to assume, is there for rape and murder, in that order.”

He’d never considered that before.

Getting crap done with Depression

Some of the people who follow me might find this useful.

With Clinical Depression, you’re not sad exactly. Your feelings are BROKE. They don’t work properly. Now we are conditioned in this modern world and in “western” culture to let our FEEEEEEELINGS rule our lives. 

"Do what feelz right!" "You gotta feel it!" "I just wasn’t feeling it today, so I didn’t do that thing I was supposed to." "I know, it I just feel it!"

So what do we do when our feelings are medically borked? What other people in many cultures, including our own in the past, used to do or have been doing- they had other motivations. Duty, family honor, personal decisions, or just the fact that there’s no one else gonna do stuff for you, so you Get Sh^# Done.  Necessity is the Mother of Holy Crap Look What I Did.

One of my favorite book series is Terry Pratchett’s Discworld, and his characters often get told by each other, “Get past ‘I Can’t’!”

I am not saying that some kind of positive thinking crap will make the depression go away. It probably won’t. But what it will do is get you moving, even without happy feelings, it will get you to go do that crap. Kick the day in the teeth even if it’s just, Hey, I got up, I showered, I put on clothing and went to my class. Like a boss. Now I am doing my homework. And now I am going to rest, take a hot bath and watch netflix until bedtime because I did hard things today.

This is how I narrate to myself when I know my feelings are not being helpful. I look right at what is in front of me, and make my hands just do it. 

Microexpressions

I’m autistic. I have a special fascination with body language and facial expressions, and I am not often very good at reading people i am directly interacting with but I can read people I am watching like they are a book, and people have been telling me for ages that the best strength in my art is my handling of expressions. It’s the difference between Observation and Application. I try to use my observational knowledge as applied knowledge, and I have learned something amazing and kind of awful.

One of the most bleakly horrible things

you can possibly learn as a skill

is how to tell a real smile

from a false one.