I hate trying to photoshoot people- like sitting there and having to face to face with them for photos. They get so embarrassed it's physically painful for me. They protest and whine and fidget and talk about how ugly they are until I want to scream and run away and shoot dolls for the rest of the day. Dolls don't immediately start self-deprecating at you when you're trying to work.
Drawing people is bad enough, and they always mumble a bunch of stuff about "get my good side" and "can you fix this" but they have this idea you're going to "make them pretty" so they allow it. I try to draw people exactly as I see them and leave nothing permanent out,* but as long as they believe Artists Make People Look Good they will let me draw them. (* my rule for this is if it's a thing that's gonne be part of the person for a month, it gets included. Injuries,yes, blemishes no, braces yes, scars yes.)
Photos are not forgiving and people know it. People are sure a Photo is going to show them just as they are, and they are convinced that they are ugly, and that they HAVE to tell you this while you are trying to just get some homework done and shoot some images. People are utterly horrified that I am going to show other people their face. The exceptions to this tend to be other artists, or people who Model or enjoy being photographed.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Monday, February 10, 2014
Venting- Auditory Processing Disorder.
Venting.
I have an unofficial (read: undiagnosed but it’s as diagnosable as a missing limb- utterly obvious) auditory processing disorder as a part of my diagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome. I’ve always had it but these last few years it has gotten worse. And now I have a new problem socializing, instead of just a serious fear of males and a bizarre sense of shame and self consciousness around groups. Now I cannot communicate hardly at all if in a room with more than about 6 people. Here’s why.
Auditory Processing Disorder means my ears are physically fine. In fact they’re incredibly sensitive. My brain, however, takes in everything the ears can possibly pick up, all the time. There is no filter. I cannot “ignore” a sound. I cannot hear just the people talking to me in a busy restaurant. I have to hear everything around me all at once, all the time.
I always had trouble enjoying myself at dances when I was growing up because the music was too loud and I couldn’t hear anything anyone said. Now I’m a young adult and it’s making dating and socializing darn near impossible.
My main place to meet other people my age is at my church, and in the time between services we tend to socialize. That is, everyone else does. I stand there looking pained and dazed because I’m drowning in a sea of sound and I can’t handle 40-80 conversations happening around me at once. No filter. None. And then people will try to talk to me, to be social, and if I say I can’t, i have a hearing problem, they try SHOUTING. Which of course makes it worse.
If this gets bad enough my brain panics and shuts down my language comprehension. Suddenly my own First Language becomes gibberish. I can think in it, but I can no longer understand anything being said to me. The first time this happened I had a minor meltdown- it was horrifying. Luckily now I know it’s temporary. It tends to last several minutes, or until I remove myself from the situation that triggered it and calm down.
Every social activity around here is done in large groups of six or more people, in loud places. This last year I gave up even going to most of them because I end up just standing there drowning in sound until I have to leave. There’s no possibility of conversation.
And I am finding out if you cannot hear people or talk to them, and you can’t Sign, you’re up the proverbial creek, to put it delicately. What do I do? I am so lonely. I have a very few close friends, and that’s all. I want to make more but I cannot speak or hear in public gatherings.
I have an unofficial (read: undiagnosed but it’s as diagnosable as a missing limb- utterly obvious) auditory processing disorder as a part of my diagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome. I’ve always had it but these last few years it has gotten worse. And now I have a new problem socializing, instead of just a serious fear of males and a bizarre sense of shame and self consciousness around groups. Now I cannot communicate hardly at all if in a room with more than about 6 people. Here’s why.
Auditory Processing Disorder means my ears are physically fine. In fact they’re incredibly sensitive. My brain, however, takes in everything the ears can possibly pick up, all the time. There is no filter. I cannot “ignore” a sound. I cannot hear just the people talking to me in a busy restaurant. I have to hear everything around me all at once, all the time.
I always had trouble enjoying myself at dances when I was growing up because the music was too loud and I couldn’t hear anything anyone said. Now I’m a young adult and it’s making dating and socializing darn near impossible.
My main place to meet other people my age is at my church, and in the time between services we tend to socialize. That is, everyone else does. I stand there looking pained and dazed because I’m drowning in a sea of sound and I can’t handle 40-80 conversations happening around me at once. No filter. None. And then people will try to talk to me, to be social, and if I say I can’t, i have a hearing problem, they try SHOUTING. Which of course makes it worse.
If this gets bad enough my brain panics and shuts down my language comprehension. Suddenly my own First Language becomes gibberish. I can think in it, but I can no longer understand anything being said to me. The first time this happened I had a minor meltdown- it was horrifying. Luckily now I know it’s temporary. It tends to last several minutes, or until I remove myself from the situation that triggered it and calm down.
Every social activity around here is done in large groups of six or more people, in loud places. This last year I gave up even going to most of them because I end up just standing there drowning in sound until I have to leave. There’s no possibility of conversation.
And I am finding out if you cannot hear people or talk to them, and you can’t Sign, you’re up the proverbial creek, to put it delicately. What do I do? I am so lonely. I have a very few close friends, and that’s all. I want to make more but I cannot speak or hear in public gatherings.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
A Proverb
Forgiving
is one thing. Forgetting is another.
Once upon a time there was a man who was walking on a trail, and he found a rattlesnake, and since it was cold the snake was nearly dead. "Pick me up and put me in your shirt, Man," says the snake,"I'm cold and sick and you will warm me up."
"But you are a rattlesnake- if I put you in my shirt and you get all warm and wiggly, you'll bite me," says the man.
"Oh, no I won't, I promise," says the snake, and so the man picked the snake up and put the snake inside his shirt.
After a while the snake got warm, and being a rattlesnake, he bit the Man.
Man throws the snake on the ground and says, "Why did you do that? You promised!"
The snake shrugs, and says, "You KNEW I was a rattlesnake when you picked me up."
Part 2, the important part:
Man is sick and he goes to his medicine man to get cured of the snake bite so it doesn't kill him. He's sick a long time, and he talks with the medicine man.
"Medicine Man," he says, "Our Creator says we need to forgive those who've done us wrong. I want to forgive the snake. That's good, right?"
And Medicine Man says, "Yes, that's good, you should forgive him... but next time you see that rattlesnake and he asks you to pick him up, are you gonna?"
Once upon a time there was a man who was walking on a trail, and he found a rattlesnake, and since it was cold the snake was nearly dead. "Pick me up and put me in your shirt, Man," says the snake,"I'm cold and sick and you will warm me up."
"But you are a rattlesnake- if I put you in my shirt and you get all warm and wiggly, you'll bite me," says the man.
"Oh, no I won't, I promise," says the snake, and so the man picked the snake up and put the snake inside his shirt.
After a while the snake got warm, and being a rattlesnake, he bit the Man.
Man throws the snake on the ground and says, "Why did you do that? You promised!"
The snake shrugs, and says, "You KNEW I was a rattlesnake when you picked me up."
Part 2, the important part:
Man is sick and he goes to his medicine man to get cured of the snake bite so it doesn't kill him. He's sick a long time, and he talks with the medicine man.
"Medicine Man," he says, "Our Creator says we need to forgive those who've done us wrong. I want to forgive the snake. That's good, right?"
And Medicine Man says, "Yes, that's good, you should forgive him... but next time you see that rattlesnake and he asks you to pick him up, are you gonna?"
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