Almost never is.
After I've gone and done something, I get so worked up into a nervous knot over what someone will think, and then I get to standing there in front of them and it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I imagine this cloud of disapproval and disappointment. I think I'm terrified of being a disappointment. I have this hunger for pleased approval. Do I think I don't get enough of that or something?
I am making some changes. I have signed a lease to a new apartment of my very own. I have also cut my hair short again. It was rather long, and just today I had it cut to very short- Almost a pixie cut. I've had this haircut a few times before, and I like it an awful lot. It makes me look cute and capricious. Younger. More my age.
I'm all set to have myself a Quarter life crisis. The idea is starting to sink in: I'm turning 25. No longer just-after-20. Officially "Older" for an LDS single girl. In this culture, especially here in the Rockies, girls get married on average between 20 and 23. Some hang on a little longer, some earlier. When you get to around 24, 25, people start to get the Look. The look that says they nod and ask, "so, you went on a mission?"(instead of getting married, that must be why you're still single, right?) or "So, still looking for Mister Right?" (Because you must be awful picky since you haven't found a guy good enough for you yet) Or the "Oh, she's just not married Yet, but she has a Sweet Spirit!" (read: Is a good person who is mentally retarded, socially unlovely or inept, other deficiencies physical or mental)
If we're going to be literal, yes, I am one of those "Sweet Spirit" people. I do in fact have medically documented issues that add to me being terribly insecure about the whole dating thing, because I've seen how the LDS culture (NOT the religion, the Culture, which is a separate thing) treats the mentally ill or people who aren't normal. With fondness, pity, compassion, but not thoughts of romance or eternal partnership.
At what point in a relationship do you tell someone about your real problems, beyond daily frustrations and into issues that are likely to be a deal-breaker for most guys looking for sturdy stable eternal relationships?
Maybe this is too personal and will get edited later. I just needed to say it somewhere, I guess.
Hopefully, it's Not as Bad as I think it will be. I'm more or less ready to try trusting people and maybe dating again. We'll see.
